Why do people find it so difficult to talk to their children's teacher?

[seeker]

There are so many threads on here from people in real distress because they are worried about something going on at school - and they don't seem to have taken what seems to me to be the first logical step, which is to go and talk to the teacher. And presumably this applies across the population.

Now, why is that? I am a governor at a school that is trying to improves its home/school links. What stops people going up to the teacher at home time and asking for a word? Or popping in in the morning and asking the teacher to ring them when they are free? Or sending in a note asking the teacher to phone?

From the other side.....parents make appointments and don't turn up. I have lost track of the times I have sat at parent's evening until 2000 waiting for people to turn up who had slots booked, and then didn't have the courtesy to call and say they couldn't make it / had decided not to come. That meant I didn't get to pick ds up until 2030, unless my mum took him over from school to my place, and I didn't get to eat until 2130 on those nights. It's a long time from lunch until then!

The same applies to after school meetings arranged with parents or phone calls. They are just not there/don't turn up, and some things are better not being communicated by email, but need face to face or at the very least a conversation.

Real time email is hard to achieve if you are teaching incidentally! Some of my emails didn't get dealt with until after the end of school, especially if I was teaching 5 periods, duty at break, and teaching a revision class at lunchtime.

Real time e-mail is possible but it's the exception rather than the rule. But for parents who wish to communicate a concern, and for teachers who rightly resent sitting waiting for inconsiderate parents who haven't shown up in person for scheduled meetings, e-mail is a very useful tool, and the same goes for in-depth, scheduled phone calls, which my DC's school also uses. They are effective and time-saving tools that make everyone's life easier. A teacher who takes parental concerns seriously will find the time to respond in a timely fashion, and I don't think any reasonable parent should expect instant replies. It's understood, for instance, in my DCs' school, that an e-mail sent after 8 pm will not necessarily be answered that night. In a school where there is a culture of responsiveness, where teachers are encouraged to model the courteous behaviour and attitude they wish to see in the community they serve, (even in the face of outright hostility) there would be encouragement from the school leadership to be timely with responses. And phone communication works both ways a teacher can call parents and ask them if they have forgotten the scheduled meeting, or even conduct the meeting over the phone if it's going to be fairly straightforward. As a parent, btw, I have always found the formal parent teacher meetings inadequate for a great many reasons too short, mainly, if there's any real problem to discuss, and too unnecessary if there's no problem.

You also need to factor in that many schools don't have the facility to allow teachers to pick up emails from outside school, and many parents, especially in a poor rural area may not have a computer, and if they do, it may be dial-up and not broadband. I didn't see any emails from school once I had left and would not have answered them until the next day once I had left for the day at 1830 anyway.

See above for phone calls; I would try for an hour at most if the parent wasn't there for a pre arranged call, and leave messages, but I had to go home eventually.

At parent teacher meetings I saw all those who wanted to see me; but I didn't need to see all of them. The ones I really wanted to see either didn't turn up or only saw the English, Maths and Science teachers.

I love your phrasing 'encouragement from the school leadership to be timely with responses'; polite euphemism for rocket up the backside, or interview without coffee?

I am fascinated by what you say about your dc's school. Is it state or private? Primary or secondary? The former I'd guess (primary that is). It must be in a part of the country where the Govt have upped the amount per head they spend on students; unlike where I taught, one of the poorest regions in the UK, and one that qualified for Objective 1 funding from the EU, we had a spend per student far less than other areas of the country. That was what really riled me - you have to make the playing field level in state education before anything else.

his teacher only goes to the playground when the bell ring. she prefers parents to fix an appointment with her to talk about any issues. so far my communication with her has been notes which ds passed to her or a quick and really short Q&A at the door at pickup time.

in fact, we are encourage to write notes/letters to teachers.

There are many reasons why people don't want to talk to teachers. The main one for me is confidentiality. I know that staff at my DD's primary school repeat confidential information to their friends. I have, in the past, had friends of the teacher say things to me, about my child, that were only known to me and the school. Staff at the school have also said things to me about other children and other teachers.

So I tell the primary school as little as possible.

On the other hand, my DS is at a wonderful secondary. He lost his coat at school on the first day; the school staff found it, and rang me to tell me before 5pm on the same day, in case DS was worrying (which he was). I feel I can phone the school at any time, no matter how trivial the concern, and that people will respond because they actually care about my child as an individual.

So, in short, if a teacher seems to care about my child and be serious about confidentiality, then I will talk to them. A lot of my judgement about the teacher will be based on the culture of the school as a whole, and not on the competency of an individual teacher, as I can't know that as a parent.

Agree with MillyR. I would trust the staff of dd's school with a lot, simply because I know they are expected to keep to very high standards. Everything I have seen from there suggests the same thing: that a teacher who did a bad job of communication/inclusion/following guidelines would stand out like a sore thumb.

From what I saw of her old school, there was less reason to trust the ethos of the school, and I did not meet a teacher there who had the integrity to stand up against the headteacher, though no doubt they were nice enough people in their own right. The board of governors convened at regular intervals to agree with what the headteacher told them. Once he had left, lots of people came out of the woodwork to say what a shame it was that dd had been so badly treated. But not a single one stood up for us at the time.

I did go in and speak to teachers and other staff members at regular intervals. It had no effect.

I had five years of that. I was always polite and reasonable, asked opinions, gave information requested help rather than demand it. I even remembered my pleases and thank yous. In return I was told I must not speak to teachers before or after school and had to make an appointment (often several days later - not much good if there was a pressing issue). I was lied to, deceived, even ridiculed and my ds with Aspergers got next to no support, and I was branded as difficult.

On one occasion I had to go and apologise to the school secretary, when I was told by a teacher that 'my attitude' had upset her. That would be when I'd asked her politely for a copy of the school's bullying policy, with a smiley face and the aforementioned pleases and thank yous, and I stayed polite even when she sneered at me with contempt for daring to ask.

At the end of Y3 we moved schools and got the same thing again, only worse. That's why we now home educate.

Gawd, I could tell you some tales .

I'm glad for those of you who have good relationships with your dcs' schools but my experience has left me bitter and cynical. I wouldn't trust a teacher within a mile of my child again.