5 year old writing hatemail!!!!

[Chuffinknackered]

Help! I just got back from my 5 year old's school. His teacher asked me to stay behind when I picked him up as she wanted to talk to me. Turns out that the kids had been at a table doing a 'writing' activity, sending letters to each other earlier on in the week.

Now DS1 is very bright, is reading at age 7+ already and can write reasonably well. Having spoken carefully with him, it sounds as if all of the kids were pretending to 'write' nasty messages to each other. Problem is, my bright spark actually wrote 'I haite you' (spelt just like that!) and then it got put in one of his friends bookbags and went home.

Problem was who it went to. This child is the DS2 of an old school friend and someone who I got reacquainted with at a Post Natal Group. We have always got on really well.

A few months back she had left DS2 at a birthday party which I was at with my DS. Her DS hit another child and the mother of the hit child was purple and wanted to haul him off the play equipment. To calm the situation I said to her DS, 'Don't do that again or I will have to tell your mum'.

Being an anxious sort, I then agonised for the rest of the party about whether my friend's DS would tell his mum what I had said.

I decided to tell my friend what had happened as I didn't want her to be upset if her DS mentioned anything and the result was that she went ballistic!

I really felt I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I hadn't said anything, her DS might have mentioned it and she would have been cross OR I mention it and she will go mad. (Note to self - NEVER try to help calm down a situation again!)

Since this event, she has been civil but whereas before we would meet with another friend at our DS's swimming class and all chat, her and the other girl make a point of sitting on another table or in another area of the viewing area.

And now, the hate mail thing!!!! Obviously, DS had no idea what he was doing or that it wasn't a good thing to do.

So, do I ring and apologise? The school have sorted it and spoken to my son and made him write another letter saying he loved him!!!

What do I say?

Arghhhh!! Help!

Hi It seems quite unfair that there were other children involved yet only your son was singled out, its also normal childish behavior. I would certainly not be happy about him being forced to tell another child he 'loves' him, apologies yes but telling him he loves him is a bit odd.
I wouldn't call but make your son apologies in person and remind him about being careful not to hurt other children's feelings.
The issue with this other mother, well if she keeps be so precious and ignoring friends after the kids have a dispute she is going to end up very lonely!

Cheers sleepyeyes. She actually accused me of being precious over the incident at the party, but I totoally wasn't. DH keeps reassuring me that she is just being very immature over the whole thing and to forget it but its hard.

I will get him to apologise in person though, thats a good idea. I feel he knows very well now that he shouldn't write nasty notes so I will probably leave it with regards him now.

Don't get him to apologise in person chuffin.
DS didn't write the note intending it to go to this little boy did he?
Did he put it in the bag?
If no to both, forget it. School have dealt with it. Don't even mention it to the other mum. It will just make it seem like it's a bigger deal than it really is.

I think thats the best way to deal with it showing your backing up the school but not punishing him any further.
She sounds a bit mad you handled the situation really well but then people are soooo touchy about daring to tell of their child yet go mad the minute anyone dares to upset/harm their own.

can't make out if he did intend it to go to this boy. he can be rather boisterous and my DS has said a thing or two before. thing was, it was a game but my bright little boy can actually spell. the other mum has made more of it by taking it to school anyway, and i guess i would have too.

Will ring and say I have spoken to him about it and that I don't think that there was any intent with it.

Who put the note in the bookbag? Did the trachers do it without looking at it?

Doh - "teachers"

I have to admit sleepy, that I was really surprised at her reaction, too.

I've purposely not made too much of it with DS. I have told him that it is unkind and that it would have hurt the other person's feelings. Gonna leave it there I think.

Have no idea SusieD about who put it in the bookbag. Can't quite understand why, if the activity was a writing one and the aim to send letters home to each other, that a member of staff didn't click on to what was happening.

Chuffin - the other mother went ballistic at you for saying "don't do that!" when her DS was clearly in your care?

She sounds unbalanced - like really unbalanced, to me. If my children are left with another adult in charge of them, then I expect the other adult to deal with bad behaviour. If I trust them enough to leave them in their care, then I trust them to deal with 'on the spot' behaviour.

Then to sit else where at swimming - that's what little girls do in years 1 and 2.

I think she's toxic and you'd do well to put some space between you and her, to be honest.

Luckily, it was his dad on the phone. He was great about it.

Doodle2U - I agree with the toxic bit. It does my head in every swimming lesson. I blame myself and think I am a horrid person and deserve to be ignored. It's useful to air the problem and see it from a more balanced perspective.

Also confused about why your x friend was upset that you told her son not to hit anyone again. And why on earth did you agonise about whether to tell her or not.

There is something réally strange about this whole scenario..

Sachertorte - there's nothing strange at all. I have no idea why she was upset, I can only assume things. We have seen each other often over the past 5 years and we have got along really well in all that time. We have never had any problems before, and I was honestly quite blown away by her reaction. She's always been level-headed and I've always admired the matter-of-fact way in which she has raised her DS1 and DS2. However, I don't know the inside of her head!

You sound shocked that I was agonising over whether to tell her or not. Well, I am the kind of person who likes to be honest and doesn't want to upset anybody. I have a huge guilt complex about most things in my life anyway and would have been mortified if my friend's little boy had said anything to her without me having mentioned it. I don't think there is anything strange about that at all.

It seems that in my efforts to do the right thing I have upset her - well that's what happens I suppose. You can't win them all.

There is nothing, in my mind, that is strange. I posted on here because I wanted other people's perspectives in how to go about dealing with this in the right way. Unfortunately, my relationship with my own mum is really poor and I had no one to ask for advice. So I turned to Mumsnet in the hope that people might help me gain perspective and deal with it in a way that wasn't going to upset her anymore or make more of the situation than was required.

Thats all - nothing less, nothing more.

Chuffin, I´m sorry if I´ve offended you. You seem to be over-thinking situations though. To me, it IS strange to hesitate telling your friend that her child hit someone. And to consciously consider keeping this news from her. WHY?! And it is even MORE strange that she was so furious with YOU and has isolated herself from you! YOU didn´t do anything wrong did you, the child misbehaved, you told the mum, end of (where I come from anyway!)

I agree with Doodle in a nutshell, as do you.

You haven't offended me, sachertorte. Don't worry.

You are absolutely spot on about over-thinking though. It is a dreadful habit I have and it benefits no-one. It stems from a massive lack of self-confidence and a desperate need to be liked I guess.

I guess I hesitated to tell her because I wasn't the adult in charge at the party, I was just accompanying my DS. My immediate instinct after he hit the boy was to step in as the other mum was apopleptic with rage. I was very gentle in the way I spoke to him too. It was only afterwards that I actually considered what his mum might make of me saying something to him.

I just wish I had never said a word now. The girls give me the cold shoulder every Monday and I dread going to DS's swimming lessons. No matter how much I say to myself before hand to rise above it, it still cuts when they seem to give me the cold shoulder. I can't understand what I might have done that was so wrong.

To be honest, I am just a fragile old soul who wants to find a peaceful path through life!

Rest assured though, you didn't offend me, I guess I was just justifying myself to somebody else once more - frigging headcase that I am!

Other mother 'went ballistic' because you explained her ds had hit another child at a party and you'd said 'don't do that again or I'll tell your mum'?

She's nuts. Take a good book to the swimming lessons and IGNORE. (Perhaps one with a pointed title such as 'dealing with overprotective parents' or 'bolshy people and how to avoid them'.

That tickled me, Edam!

I wish I had a far tougher exterior to deflect things like this. About some things I have, but not this.

I will take your advice though - although I will print off an imaginary title cover and read something far more juicy instead!

Hi Chuffin, thanks for your message. Can you aim towards getting people to respect you rather than like you? Because it´s impossible for everybody to like you and unlikely you will never upset people. But if they respect you you will not be badly thought of in the same way.

Hi Sachertorte. Thanks for replying. How do you win respect? I thought that reflecting on what would be the right thing to do would be something that people respected.

And besides respect these days means different things to different people.

But you are right, you can't please all the people all the time. I guess I have to get ballsy and believe that I behaved in the best possible way I could, which is honourably, and that I continue to be able to hold my head high, despite other people's actions.

I'm trying to be a good girl I guess!

You have no chance of gaining respect from someone like your x-friend. I dont understand people like this, if my DD does something wrong when Im not there I would be greatful if someone stepped in and handled the situation as well as you did. She is probably just upset that you handled the situation well.

You can gain respect from NORMAL people by doing the right thing and sticking to what you believe in. Im a bit like you in that I want everyone to like me but I have resigned myself to the fact that some people just dont like me, for whatever reason. I console myself by knowing that I dont like them very much either :D

Thanks Kelix.

You are right!

I think this touching story is repeating itself a thousand times up and down the country every day.
I think it best to go and talk these sitation through with the other mother as you will otherwise always be selfconcious whenever you meet her. Use you thick skin somewhere else I would say

Your friend over reacted on all counts!

Firstly, if my dd came home with a note like that in her bag I would ask who the child was & speak to the parent, not immediately involved the school. I would have involved them only if I didn't get a satisfactory 'ending' from the other parent.

I may have been inclined to mention to the teacher that it wasn't a great thought out lesson, tho! Or at least that the work should be checked before sent home.

I know at least a handful of other parents would have done the same, re talking to other parent first.

Then there is the party. I have 'reprimanded' a child for doing just what her ds did, while mum was in the same building! Simiar scenario...at a large soft play centre, mum having a coffee/rest while I kept an eye on her ds & my dd. I told him off, just saying pretty much what you did. His mum was mortified at HIM for doing what he did & grateful that I stepped in on her behalf & apologised etc.

The swimming...she is chilish! No self respecting adult acts like that. Children, yes...adults, NO.

You do not need respect/friendship from someone like this. She is unreasonable & toxic. Imagine the rep you may get from being her friend!

She sounds like a loon! Don't say anything to her about the note hoo-haa. She is being a cow to you and you don't owe her an explanation for what has happened. Don't think about it any more. There is nothing you could have done. It wasn't your fault.