Dd really not enjoying school-I can't home school, what can I do?

[Pawslikepaddington]

Dd started the school year very happy, with plenty of friends. We are now at the stage where she is alone in the playground every lunch time (she isn't shy, so it isn't an issue about her not approaching the other children) or playing with the year 3 or 4 children (she is in reception), and is coming home with badly bruised shins and saying that other children are kicking her. I help at lunchtimes, and haven't seen any of this going on, but she tends to come and stand with the teachers now anyway.

In the classroom she is excelling at maths and has a huge interest in science, but they are focusing on the reading and writing aspects, and she isn't clicking with it yet so is coming home very very despondent, and calling herself "stupid" etc. I have been trying to bolster her enthusiasm at home, but we don't get back until 6pm, and so she is so exhausted that she is easily upset, and I end up reading to her instead and just cuddling with her, and the following morning is awful as she doesn't want to go into school any more.

I have spoken to the teacher and they say they can't see anything going on in class, and think she is integrating fine, but she should be reading better by now. I feel so for her-she is so little, she shouldn't have to be fending for herself/sticking up for herself like this. This is the best school in our area catchment-wise, so don't want to take her out, but don't want her this upset either. A friend has suggested selling the house (I rent, but own a house in a different area of the country with £60k of equity) and going private, as they will concentrate on her strengths and help with her weaknesses, instead of just picking out her bad points, but I'm just in a mess over it all.

The reason I rent is that I can't afford even a basic one bed where we live, even if I did sell the other house, as the price difference is so huge!

Take small steps.
How about these suggestions;-
take an afternoon off and invite a couple of pals home for tea!
After school activity that some could take her to that she likes!
Tutor?
This should bump you up, good luck

Are you sure she is alone in the playground? Have you spoken to her teacher to find out what is going on, if anything? Ds is 4 and in reception. For the whole of this year he says (every day) that he has no friends and plays by himself. I mentioned it to his teachers but they aren't concerned and he is happy to go to school. I know he plays with the other boys at the various class parties we go to so I take what he says with a pinch of salt. He goes through phases on what subjects he likes and doesn't like. The only subject that is consistent is his love of French (probably my worst subject at school).

He is at pre-prep and the reading and writing abilities in his class vary hugely. It sounds as if you need to help boost her confidence and I'm not sure that changing schools would necessarily be the right thing to do.

Thank you. Thankfully my hours drop in two weeks, and have got some classmates lined up for teas already-some in her class, some in the year above, and school gardening club starts this week, so hopefully that may help! She also does a few activities that her classmates go to, and all has always been fine and giggly, but for the last few weeks they have all spoken to each other and left her in the corner on her own, so something has obviously happened at school that I'm not aware of.

Have been looking at kip mcgrath as there is one very nearby, to give her a much needed reading boost! Thank you starbear-you blow it so out of proportion when it is your own!

She is always on her own when I am supervising-don't know if she is purposefully doing it to make me feel guilty, but it is doubtful as it is every single time, and noone seems to approach her. If I take her over to a group and ask if she can play they will agree, but five minutes later she is on her own again. I just don't like the fact she is convinced she is "stupid" already-she is spelling and sounding words out, but still her confidence is so low.

I don't think you are blowing it out of proportion at all, she's being kicked regularly, are the school addressing this? She sounds quite unhappy

Do you have any ideas why she isn't being played with? Poor thing, and poor you.

I wouldn't move yet as it may all change next year. This is similar to my experience with ds in reception last year - complaining of being alone, victim of some unpleasant behaviour and not really doing what was expected in terms of work.

A different Yr 1 teacher has totally changed the atmosphere in the class - it is much more structured and ds does much better in it. He now has a small but failrly stable group of friends and reading has "clicked".

Not sure I would do extra reading with her yet unless she is really behind as you say she is already very tired. From what I observed with ds in reception last year and dd there this year - ability varies hugely with some children free reading and some unable to sound out short words.

I stressed out a lot about what to do with ds and of course, in reality, there is very little you can do as you cannot make friends for them. As others have said having people around for tea helps. One other thing I did with ds was I had very grown up conversations with him about what, if anything, he thought might be the issue and how people might perceive him and also how I felt as a child at the same age. Above all, I made it clear to him that whatever happened at school, I understood and was always there for him and to support him.

Paws, you sound lovely and are doing everything to support her. Do you work/volunteer at the school?

You may actually be making it worse by being there and trying to integrate her in groups. Hard though it is, she has to learn how to do it herself.

Oh! Must do some housework and get Ds off the telly.
Catch up later.

I don't know. She is a sociable little thing-very eloquent, happy and giggly. She is always clean and tidy, so it isn't an issue with regards to them thinking she is "smelly" or anything. She is very thoughtful with regards to other children's feelings and if we have anyone over to play they always have a lovely time-she never squabbles or anything. She can be a bit sulky with me, but I'm her mum-she isn't the kind of child you would think would be "bullied" or singled out, as she is quite strong in that she will tell other children off if they are being mean/hurting someone else, and will stand up to them.

One girl put a snail down her dress on Friday (a small thing, I know but dd was obviously not wanting the snail near her, and it is just one thing in a catalogue by the looks of it), and she had huge slime prints all down her stomach-and it was all done right in front of me. Thankfully another teacher saw it too, so she berated the girl as it would have looked bad coming from me, but it makes me feel so guilty for making her go every day anyway.

maybe have a could be friend over for tea or over on a weekend day if she's over tired in the evenings.

what about a weekend based activity or club, dancing, judo, something like that, where she could socialise out of school and gain confidence.. this may well spread into school time. And would give her something interesting to talk about, and you never know someone from school might be attending it too.
Lots of reassurance and routine at home, and see if there is anything that she can focus on liking at school and praise those bits.
Have another chat with her teacher. You may find that when she gets home she is tired and is releasing her hard day at school tension at home.. where it's a safe reassuring place to do so.
Maybe find out what she is doing the next day and go along the lines of .. ohh remember your doing such and such today.. that'll be great fun.

it's horrid when they are like this in and they have only just started school.

DD was like this in reception.. always at the teachers side.. dd was painfully shy.. she's in year 1 now and is quite the social person.

More often than not they do slot in okay at school, just in their own time.

not much help I know..

Have you talked to her teacher about the fact she feels 'stupid' Paws? Surely they should help her not to feel like that. + d'you think she might just be very tired? DS is in reception too and is scarily tired some of the time. He's a summer birthday and sometimes loves school and other times insists he hates it. We've noticed it varies massively dependent on how tired he is. I've kept him at home on the odd day (told him he's got a temperature and told school he's ill, which I suppose he sort of is as exhaustion is a sort of illness!) It's made a huge difference with his energy levels and how he felt about school. I won't do it when he's bigger, but I honestly think stamina's a huge part in how he copes with it all and he's still only 4. They're so, so little to be there full time imo.

Meant to say, DS very bright at maths, but not reading yet either. His school seems to deal with confidence by putting them into small working groups with kids of similar abilities. They don't seem to realise they're being streamed, but that's in effect what it is. He feels okay because he's in with others like him. Does your school do that?

We always intergrate any lone children we see dotted around the playing field-if they don't seem to be playing well with the other children after a few attempts that day we keep them with us as our "special helper", until they see a game they want to bound off to, and the next day they tend to be fine. They also have a scheme where the year 6's do a sports-based game for anyone that wants to join in, which helps too. All the children seem to think it is really cool to have your mum in school-I haven't seen any animosity towards her or me because of that, and three other mums do lunch duty too (with teachers there as well), others help with reading, art or baking, so it is "normal" within the school. I try and make sure it isn't me that integrates her-I usually leave it until another supervisor spots her, as I didn't want to make it worse, but nothing seems to help .

I think it is important to be guided by what her teacher says. If she says your dd is on her own then you should be asking her what she intends to do about it. In my ds's case his teacher said she would remind him when he played with someone, eg "I saw you playing nicely with X".

Do you know why she is calling herself stupid? Ds quite often says he can't do his reading but with a bit of encouragement (and fulsome praise from me) he usually manages it. Some of his classmates are very advanced readers whereas he is still on the most basic books. His teacher isn't concerned in the slightest so I'm surprised that your dd's teacher is making a big deal about it. There are some in ds's class who have only just started on books with words.

Paws - have to say, many parents I know volunteer at our school and it has never been a problem as far as I know, so please don't let my comment make you feel guilty (which I know is something parents excel at). However, if you see your dd having a problem, do you think it might help to get another person to deal with it (as you did with the snail)?

That is a good idea smee-our school is v small, so year 1's are in with yr R, which is giving her a "double blow" in effect, as she can't get why the older ones can do it, but there aren't enough little ones in the class to stream them. It is great for her maths, as she can do the y1 work, but not for reading. Oh well!

I have also kept her off if she was still fast asleep at 8.30 and dead to waking attempts-she has been waking up at 10.30/11am some weekends, and is quite happy to be back in bed at 7.30 that night-it takes so much out of them! Am so glad a lot of you have had this and it has improved-I am so worried that she will hate school forever and become a truant and terrible teen!! . She is going to have to go to playschemes over summer, so that may help her a bit, and is starting riding at the weekends, alongside already doing ballet, swimming and gardening, and out of school seems a lot brighter, despite being with mostly the same children-it's a mystery.

Aw poor kid - no wonder she's feeling 'stupid'. The teachers really need to help her with that. I think you should talk to them again, it's not fair that it's putting her off reading because she's in with the bigger kids. Surely they could praise her lots for her maths and tell her how bright she is, and explain about reading and the fact they're so much bigger than her.

Ds has 15 in his class and they seem to stream guided reading so children of like ability do their guided reading together. They also read every day to the TA and sometimes the teacher - ds's Weds to Fri teacher usually does his reading as he will do whatever he can to distract the TA! Do they do guided reading in your dd's class. It can help them to understand that there are others at the same level.

This thread has made me wonder what ds is good at. All I know is that he is doing what he is supposed to be doing, is an 'involved learner' whatever that means and other mums have said they think he's bright. I only have a clue what he does at school from other mums and the occasional comment from his teacher

Your dd sounds as if she will be doing a lot of weekend activities. I consciously cut down ds's activities to one as I was worried about tiredness. As it is he is up every day at 6.30am and in bed by 7.30pm to 8pm depending on what time we get home. Ds does holiday clubs too because I work full time, single parent etc.

pawslikepaddington She shouldn't be under this kind of pressure in reception and her teacher should not be making a big deal about the reading - did I read that correctly. Many children don't 'get it' until yr2, some click a bit later. She's probably 4 or 5 years old and it's ridiculous to worry about her literacy at this stage. Poor little mite. Make sure you boost her self esteem at home and whenever you can. Talk to the teacher - I hate mixed year groups. As for private, it's a huge investment and you could be looking at 7-9K per year depending were you are.

I had a talk with her tonight about books, and whether she enjoyed books, and she said she loved them as long as I was reading to her, so I said I loved reading to her and would do it until she felt she didn't want it any more, and that if she didn't read until she was 101 it wouldn't matter, as long as she was happy, and she seems satisfied with that. She has just gone 5-I spoke to a family friend who has three children who have gone to Oxbridge, and none of them read until 7-as long as we have quality time that is all that matters, so I took it as a cue to buy a water slide . Have arranged a few more playdates for dd, and she came out of the gates holding hands with a little girl today-hurrah!! Playdate was arranged then and there! All her activities are after school ones-she is a very boisterous child, so needs at least an hour's exercise after school or she never sleeps at night-she doesn't fall asleep before 8.30, but is in bed for 8pm (has always been the case from a day old!) but is a late waker-average waking time 7.50-8.10am, and usually having 14 hours a night at the weekends. Things seem slightly better than they did anyway.

I do want to go private eventually, but in 8 years or so-not right now, mainly for financial reasons, but if she was seriously struggling I wouldn't hesitate to change to a school that I could choose to suit her needs, as opposed to one that is randomly catchment based.

If my ds slept like that I'd be getting him to bed earlier so he woke up in time for school. If she is going to school tired and missing days because she is tired it won't be helping her to view school as a positive experience. Ds used to need about 8 or 9 hours sleep which meant he was up at 5am most mornings. Now it is about 10 - in bed for 7.30pm, asleep by 8pm and up at about 6 to 6.30am.

I would never force reading. You want them to develop a love of reading and imo that won't happen if she feels pressured. Ds's school gets good results and is highly regarded but I like the laid back attitude of his teachers. It helps to instill confidence in the children so they succeed without feeling under any pressure to achieve.

She is getting 12 hours a night, so is rested enough, and we don't leave the house until 8.45 as school is at the bottom of the road, so she has enough time to wake up-she is full of energy all the time, so she is totally full on the second she is up. Have also found out (from getting her up earlier) that if she has longer than an hour in the mornings she messes around too much and arguments start, as she wants to get a game out, or so some drawing, or watch tv, and then won't leave for school. She does get progressively more tired as term goes on, but all children do, and she would not wake up naturally if over tired-she is like me in that respect .

Wish we had that commute! I just wondered as you said that some days you kept her at home because she was tired.

I would have another word with the teacher and explain that whatever the teacher is saying to her is affecting her self esteem. I really don't think they should be putting pressure on her at this young age.