Shall I persevere with pre-school or leave it until Nursery in September?

[jodee]

Sorry for the long-winded title and very long message but I'm hoping for some advice. DS turned 3 at the end of March and started pre-school for 2 mornings a week. I thought he would be fine, as when we went for a trial run to see what he thought of the place, he was happily painting and said 'goodbye Mummy', which I took to be a positive sign that he was enjoying himself and would be happy for me to leave him there.

On his first 'proper' day, the pre-school was short of a helper, so I volunteered as I had intended to stay for most of the first session to see how ds got on anyway. He seemed fine, doing his own thing, whilst I was reading to some of the other children. So the next day, I decided to leave him straight away. I kissed him goodbye and said I would see him later. I came home, then got a call at 11am to say that he was 'still' crying. I thought - 'I didn't know he had been crying to begin with', so I went straight back, and he was being consoled by another Mum, eating toast. I wasn't too concerned as he wasn't screaming, just gently sobbing.

The next week dh had to take him, and I told him that maybe he shouldn't leave him for the whole time - stay with him to start with then go for half and hour max. DH's 'half hour' somehow turned into one hour, and he was called back - this time ds was much more agitated, and hadn't wanted any of the helpers to console him.

DS has only being going there for 4 weeks but he has got progressively worse - if I mention that I'm just popping to the shops for a few minutes, he bursts into tears. I tried leaving him for literally 5 minutes, and came back to find him wailing on the floor.

I know they can be manipulative at this age, but the leaders have given me no hints as to the best way to deal with this, they only say that others were like it but 'got over it'. I'm not that happy in general with the pre-school as the brochure I was given says each child is allocated a keyworker, and there has been no mention of that and there doesn't appear to be any gentle integration of new children, they seem to be left to get on with it themselves. This wasn't my first choice pre-school (I was let down by one I wanted ds to go to). A friend has a son at another pre-school and I thought some familiarity would help ds, but there are no places until September.

It probably doesn't help that ds is struggling with his speech at the moment - he understands everything and he says a lot but has huge trouble with pronunciation, so he is not really able to communicate that well with his peers/leaders. He is awaiting speech therapy (long wait).

To get to the point, DS has a place at an excellent Nursery School in September, so I'm wondering whether to pull ds out of the pre-school altogether and wait until September, when he will be a little older and better able to communicate.

I would appreciate your views ...

Hi Jodee, I'd wait. It doesn't seem to be doing anyone any good at the moment and he'll be that bit older in September. It's not that long when you consider that term ends in July. It sounds like that's your gut instinct too, is it?

My personal view would be to take him out and wait, simply because he would only have a term here and it may take that long to settle in and then another change.

I took DS out of a good nursery a few weeks ago and he is much happier at home (I am more exhausted though) and he will now stay off until September. It was a difficult decision though and I took lots of advice, particularly from mumsnetters.

Jodee - definitely leave. Your story sounds just like ds1 - who also had problems with pronuciation. (He's since had loads of speech therapy and is pretty clear now - he's nearly 6). He went to playgroup for a month, and it just got worse and worse. He didn't necessarily cry when I left, but he was always crying when I picked him up. (He was only 2.5 though). We left it completely for nearly 9 months, and even though I had a baby at home as well, I didn't regret it at all. When he went back that much older he waltzed in, loved every minute of it, and never looked back. DS2 was like this when he started too - as they should be.

A couple of friends decided their kids had to 'stick it out', and a year later they were still clearly not happy at playgroup, whereas my son was.

If he doesn't have to go.. he doesn't have to go!

Giggler- how did you get loads of SALT. Are you in the UK?

Jodee - take him out until September. It's not worth it. DS1 will be 4 next month- doesn't have a single comprehensible word except daddy. The first nursery he went to was absolutely useless- to the point where 2 years later we are still undoing the damage. I pulled him out of there and very nervously sent him to a new nursery a year ago. They have been absolutely fantastic since the beginning. If your son has language problems a key worker is particularly important. My son's key worker can translate quite well for him now - I know the other staff rely on her.

I would take him out. I took my ds out of his 1st playgroup afetr 5 sessions, I think.

I didn't feel convinced they were honest with me regarding how much he was crying.

But the main thing was, as you seem to be describing, he would get very upset about it, even when we weren't going eg on a Saturday afternoon. If we even drove past a building that looked like the pg, or we were in the area he would start crying I say "I don't want to go"

& Like Giggler said, if he doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to. People seemed to think I was being over-anxious, but I just knew it wasn't working & wasn't going to deep down.

He started at another, a few months later & has been absolutely fine from the word go.

Hope you're all well.

Another vote for taking him out, Jodee. You did the right thing to try it out for him but it does sound as though he and this pre-school just haven't "clicked". I bet he will be happier at nursery in September - we found ds grew up so much from 3 to 3.5 and was far more able to express feelings about friends, keyworkers, etc, by then. Good luck.

My ds is a bit younger, but also started nursery for 2 mornings a week - it did take him ages to settle (most of a term in fact), but he got there in the end. That said there were times when I was on the verge of pulling him out but he did have a key-worker and the staff were all very supportive. But I only perservered because in all he will be at this nursery for almost 2 years.

I'm not quite sure of what your intentions are, but if in any event you would start him at this other nursery in September, then it probably isn't worth trying to settle him at this pg. Your heart probably really isn't in it, and with only 10 weeks or so of the term it doesn't seem really worth the effort/heartache. Enjoy the summer and it will be easier to be positive about the nursery in September

Jodee - definitely agree with the comments so far. If he's going somewhere else in September, then he'll have to get used to somewhere else very soon; it may just not be worth all the heartache for such a short time. Plus, you don't seem comfortable with the nursery so far, and I can understand why. The key worker system is there for a reason!

My dd (now aged 25 months), was impossible to leave 6 months ago, in things like the creche at the local sports centre, no matter how hard we tried. She just cried non stop. I was really concerned, thinking that I would never get her to settle at nursery. I therefore lined up a childminder for her for when I was due to start doing more work, thinking that that might be more 'her'.

Then when dd turned 2, my prospective childminder decided she didn't want to childmind anymore (agh!), and so I was faced with having to find a nursery and get her settled, in a very short space of time.

I was lucky, in that one of the local ones had a space. Although it's more expensive than some of the others around here, I picked it because of the low overall numbers, and the fact that it was busy, without being too noisy. I thought dd would have a better chance of settling in a more personal environment.

Much to everyone's surprise (family and friends!!),she has settled in really well. It may be that she's just that bit older now, and ready for new challenges. However, the nursery's approach has been fantastic, and I think this is key.

DD was 'settled in' over a period of 1-2 weeks (and they were prepared to take longer if necessary). Each day, she stayed for a little longer, taking in new activities and part of the routine. Importantly, they started her off with sessions designed to coincide with really 'busy' stuff, like arts & crafts. As she got used to it, she then stayed for some of the quieter activities (free play), and things like snacks and lunch. The final thing she got used to, was the after-lunch nap.

Both my husband and I are amazed that she settled in without a single crying session. We really feel that with the right nursery and the right approach to settling in, it's possible. The other thing though, was that the nursery liked us to come, say goodbye (so that our dd knew we were leaving), and then go. No staying around. I know you were doing your best to help your child settle, (and believe me, I'd have been tempted to do the same) but it may have given him the impression that this was like a mum and toddler group, rather than something he does on his own. (IMO the nursery should have pointed this out to you!!)

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thank you, everyone, for all your replies - the decision is unanimous then, which has reconfirmed my gut reaction to stop taking him. Family members were giving me differing opinions so I'm grateful for Mumsnetters' unbiased opinion!

It's very encouraging to read that those of you who took their children out of one nursery for whatever reason, found that their child settled in much better at the next one, after waiting a period of time before restarting again.

There is a Family Room attached to the nursery that ds will start at in September - I had been taking him occasionally quite a while back, but he was then at a very disruptive, hitting stage and I found it very stressful when he would constantly make a beeline for babies, so stopped going. But even though I would still be staying with him in the Family Room, it would get him used to going to the Nursery building, so hopefully it won't seem so strange to him in September. Thanks again, all.