Feel so sorry for my DS2....

[Flowertop]

My DS2 changed schools 18 months ago. He is with a group of boys in his class (only 15 in class in total) whose parents are very close and socialise a lot together. It has always been hard since day 1 breaking into the circle both for him and me. The trouble is he is not included in the play date rota even though I have asked the other boys back here. It's almost as if they do not acknowledge us in a social way at all. I get really down about it and have to stand and watch all the others being taken home by different parents and we just get in my car and go home. I think I feel it more than him because he never mentions it. I know he gets on with his peers as I watched him in the playground today (was at school helping) and he was interacting fine. Do you think that the reason he is not invited is because of the cliquey parents. Will this every change? He is 8. I have never mentioned it to any of the parents as don't want to appear needy but it is getting me down.
Any perspective on this would really help.
Thanks.

I had a similar problem with my DS last year. We sent invites out for a bbq/garden play date to 4-5 friends, saying mums could stop too. I got chatting to some of the mums that way too.

When arranging a pick up for a playdate, ask the mum to come earlier and stay for coffee?

Another suggestion - if there is a local park close to you perhaps ask one/a few of the mums if they would like to go for a picnic after school. Or visit a soft play area after school.

The best for you would be to organise playdates at your residence, and then leave it open for mums to come and have a coffee too. You will definitely join in then.

Thanks for your help so far. The mums just aren't interested in opening up the circle I think that's the issue. I have asked them for playdates and they either say x isn't available and when I ask for some dates they don't come back. I just don't want to appear too needy (which I am feeling of course). I am just wondering whether to leave it but don't want to socially hinder ds2 in any way. I suppose what I'm saying is if he is ok at school with his peers and we don't have playdates will this have any long term affect on him. This may sound dramatic but it really does worry me.
Tnks

Is it an option to join Beavers or a group out of school where he can make other friends?

I don't think it's a problem that he doesn't get playdates unless he feels left out. If he hasn't got any specific difficulties with his social skills I wouldn't worry, he will get around to asking children back himself perhaps when he's older, or they will ask him.

I don't know what else to suggest about the mums who don't want to include anybody else in their circle. Just keep on making an effort, I suppose, they are probably busy socialising with the people they know and can't make the time for others. You must feel quite snubbed. But also, if you go to after school clubs, you could meet other mums there who are more friendly.

Forgot to add, would it be an idea to have a quiet word with the teacher? Tell her your concerns and she may be able to make some suggestions.

Keep pasting a smile on your face and making conversation at the school gates. It is hard work breaking in to a n established group.

I felt a bit like this when ds started in Reception. Lots of the mums (some dads) knew each other from their children going to nursery for two years before school. They seemed really cliquey but, I think it was more that they just gravitated together because they all knew each other well.

I would say it took a good year to feel I knew them all well.

Maybe some of the children will have more free time to come over during the holidays?

Helping out at school is a good idea as you will get to know the children and they will talk about you to their parents.

Keep at it

Can you use the fact that you help out at school to break in? Say something along the lines of 'Oh your little Johnnie was so good/clever/funny today....' Parents like talking about their kids, and I bet they'd love to get to know someone who can give them some info on what they actually do at school other thatn 'Nothing'

DS2 came home last night really upset as one of the boys he plays with at school has dished out party inviations to everyone apart from him, which includes boys outside of the cliche'- they play every day fgs!! I feel very low today and am wondering what to do as feel that something more is going on with the parents. Why would they invite everyone but him knowing he plays with their son. It's not a mistake as the boy told DS2 he wasn't invited and that's that. TBH it's not the party I'm concerned about it's why he has been excluded. May be he has done something that I am not aware of. Teacher knows nothing - bloody useless actually! Do I ask one of the other mothers if she knows what is going on? Do I just leave it and hope that things improve which can't see if not sorted out. What sort of woman leaves just one boy out in the whole class. I feel so sorry for him and need some advice please.

That is awful.
I really feel for you as my DS1 goes to a local playgroup and we are not part of the clique there, even though he is popular.
I dont really have any advice, the parents (and kids to some extent) do sound very unaware in terms of the party invite, which IMO was very rude.
Are there other kids not in the rota who you can get to know?

poor ds2 Flowertop!
Has he had his birthday yet?
Are you very brave? If so, I would ask the mum if ds2 has upset the boy in some way. I'd say, It's not a problem that he's not invited but I would just like to explain to ds2 why he's not invited as he doesn't understand.
It sounds extremely mean and thoughtless to me btw.

Inviting everyone but him is not on, and I would go back to the teacher. I'd prob ask the mum as well, but I'm pretty thick skinned in these matters; not sure if it's actually a good idea or not.

Thanks for your support which has made me feel much better. The mum of party boy is very scarey and I just couldn't have the conversation with her. I was wondering if I should approach another mum just to see if there is an underlying problem in the class. My concern is that he is going to be with this group of boys for a long time and really need to get to the bottom of what is going on. DS2 wouldn't have a party and now wondering if he knows they don't like him. Although saying that he does play with them at break etc.

could it be as petty as you didn't invite this boy to a party?

Where are you? We're in York. Can't really help you but I do support you and feel your pain!

DS2 is a bit quiet and immature (not in a silly, show off way, more in a not recognising he IS being snubbed way!) He's almost 8. An unfortunate class mix up at the start of this school year meant he was effectively separated from all the boys ALL of us would have regarded as his 'gang'! DS2 is quite unphased by it, but I have seen how his gang of erstwhile 'friends' have deepened their friendships (sitting together all day, same Beaver pack, same swimming teacher etc!) and how that gang doesn't include him any more. DS2 has never had a close friend which doesn't seem to bother him (though DS1, Y5 DOES tell me, 'Oh, DS2 spent lunch hour wandering around by himself' from time to time which breaks my heart...).

To be fair, DS2 is still on the party circuit, such as it is at 8, but not on the playdate 'roster' any more. I DO wince a bit when I'm standing with the parents waiting for the DSs to come out and it's all 'Oh, Mrs X, I'll pick up X after school tomorrow and give him tea then take him to Beavers if you'll pick up afterwards, OK?' and 'Here's Y's swimming kit from last night!' ALL the time! BUT I am aware that a) the boys' friendships are ALMOST enforced by the parents who are VERY close, b) that, knowing the parents separately I KNOW they have quite differing aspirations for their DSs come secondary!

Finally, we are about to move house, a short but school-altering distance. I admit I AM getting DS2 into the same Cub pack as these boys as DS2 wants that but I DO have an advantage there in that I am quite involved in Scouting thus will be there lots!

This sort of thing has happened to us.Lots of parents at Ds1's primary knew each other from nursery/other activities/were related. Invites to play dates and parties were never reciprocated and i was often left out of the loop because we weren't invited on the "let's all go to the park/soft play area/cinema" type events. The school does have a policy that party invites can only be handed out at school if the whole class is invited. if only a few child are invited then the parent has to hand them out separately (ie the child cannot take them to school at all).
I basically badgered mums until I arranged a playdate eg
Me: Hello x, young worried would really like y to come over to play sometime -
Mrs X - how lovely- i haven't got my diary here, let's speak tomorrow/next week/never.
Me: i know it's manic at the school gates isn't it. I can never remember my mobile number, but if you give me yours I can text you to arrange a date.

Also grab a child your DS likes and ask him if he would like to come over for some fun activity then walk over with him to ask his mum so hopefully he is standing there saying please please. (Not really too keen on this myself but I have seen children use it to great effect at pick up time) Also in your case it would show the parent that their child actually likes this new boy and you go into the school to help so you are not a stranger approaching their child.
re clubs is there anything that only one or 2 children do - if your ds was interested he could gain a shared interest with them and you could offer to take/collect the children once in a while to br
Find out about the PTA and who your class rep is. You can ask if the ever arrange class coffees/meals out as you would love to get to know the parents in your class better but pick up is so rushed etc.
Volunteer to help at school fetes - at least you should get to know the other person on the stall at the same time as you.

Looking at other threads breaking into new groups seems to a problem for lots of people so I hope that means the cliques are just not thinking and not being welcomining and haven't closed ranks against you.
Once you break the ice with one or two mums you find that you can walk up and join in the conversations without feeling needy.
In the end I have made some school friends and some of my closest friends are parents of children at DS's school. However I am always nice to new people!

Yes, clique forming has to be seen for what it is- a form of insecurity, and I speak from within what might be seen as a bit of a clique although my DS isn't really benefiting to any huge extent any more (see above). If our DCs did it within school it might even be called a form of bullying! The thing is, cliquey parents would MARCH INTO SCHOOL TO SORT OUT if they thought their DC was being excluded in that way!!

Had something v similar with ds1 - a cliquey group of mums who have done everything together since reception and before. They grudgingly sometimes let their dss come for a play at our house but we never got any return invites. They weren't the only mums in the class but it felt like they were. Tbh I wasn't sure if it was me or my ds, perhaps a bit of both. Anyway, I managed to find 1 or 2 mums who weren't in the clique and whose ds ds1 was half friendly with and pestered gently approached them for dates, sometimes even 2 or 3 before getting a return invite. I had no pride left.

Finally this year (Y5) ds1 suddenly seems to have become properly friends with 3 or 4 other children and is getting invites which aren't just return invites. I am so pleased for him as I was almost on the point of giving up. It is completely different in DS2's class which is very inclusive and where everyone seems to make a conscious effort to include everyone else, so much nicer and less stressful. It isn't you, it isn't your ds, it's them!