feeling anxious about sending ds private

[oneofakind]

hi all - would welcome some advice on my longish post.
my ds (3.4) has been attending a local nursery since he was 14 months old p/t. he is extremely clingy with me and although he 'tolerates' going, there are usually tears. he does not mix particularly well and is now in a room with around 23 children - i think he feels a bit lost. we have been offered a place for him at a private school but he has to start this sept in their nursery - it is very difficult to get in at any other stage as this is a very over subscribed (competitive) school. we love the school but already ds is becoming anxious about moving. i am trying to introduce the notion slowly - short talks about going to a new place with a garden etc and then will start taking him to see the outside. i am dreading the transition as i think he will take a long time to settle down and I'm worried that they may ask him to leave if he is a 'difficult' child.
my other concern is whether we will 'fit' in as we are from a working class background - we have no problem with this but it is in a very middle class area and from the parents i am aquainted with from this area I dont feel i 'fit in' and am certainly a lot less well off.
My local state primary is ofsted satisfactory and most of the children on my road attend, but it has little outdoor space and a high turnover of children and staff (amongst other difficulties). we can just afford the private school fees but will have to cut back on eating out etc. secondary schools in our area are dire (3rd worst in country) so thought private ed. at primary will give us more options as children all go on to grammar out of borough or to private sec. on scholarships/bursaries.
sorry for the muddled post but just looking for advice/reassurance we are doing the right thing!

I don't want to sound negative, but if your child isn't bright enough, going private is not going to guarantee a grammar place/scholarship. And if he is bright enough, he'll probably get it anyway. But if you really love the school, surely that's justification enough?

If the secondary school are not good in your area and you can only afford primary or secondary privately, would you not be better off sending your child to a state primary and opting to go private at secondary?

I'm surprised you can't just defer his entry until Reception. tbh I'm not sure I'd really be discussing it now if he is already hesistant, a few months can make a big difference. Has he visited , will he have the opportuntiy to do so and attend events like open day and a picnic for new starters to familiarise himself with the people and place?

hi thanks for quick responses. yes, impossible to say how bright he'll be at 10 but I think that the private school will give him good support if we had to make the decision - thinking far ahead, system for out of borough grammar is that you need to score really well to get offered a place and then they will offer to those nearest to the schools so already at a disadvantage. moving not an option as we have low cost accommodation.

to ladyGP - most private secondaries in this area are academically selective and competitive so not sure whether he would make the 'standard' at our particular state primary (perhaps with lots of tuition? thoughts are that may as well send him private if extra tuition needed as all of the past 4 yr school leavers at prep seem guaranteed to get into grammar/private secondary).
to Lizs - yes, we were surprised also as i thought some of the nursery kids would leave at reception to attend the excellent state primary nr this prep school (out of catchment for us unfortunately). The school have categorically said that no places will be available at reception as they fill them all with nursery intake kids (reception class has fewer pupils). ds will be visiting in May and meeting some of the other kids starting in sept.

cant help feeling that sending him 'private' might isolate him too. i grew up in a very diverse area and really enjoyed being at my state schools with local friends. private school not too far away (5 min drive, 20 min walk uphill!) but might just be too far to have local friends and too far metaphorically!

I would stop discussing it with him tbh - 6 months is a long time to a 3 yr old.

But would you consider just sending him to private secondary school if things are going to be a struggle? Its not just the fees you have to worry about its everything else that goes with a private school, trips, uniforms, extras etc

The class sizes will be smaller and teachers are used to one or two being clingy or tearful. You are trying to do the best for your child - don't beat yourself up over it! Speak to the school - sometimes they have 'open sessions' before term starts so that the children can come into the school and see their classroom and teachers. That will help.

Our school gives out a leaflet to help new parents. It advises walking past the school with the little one and telling them that this is their lovely new school, and wondering aloud if they do drawing, reading, playing in the garden..., talking to them about the new school and what they will be doing there...

He'll be fine. Do you know any other children who go there?

thanks Racmac and georgiemum - good idea about the leaflet - will use some of those methods. we do know one other child starting but hav'nt seen him or his mum for about a year and actually this is where my trepidation about this school came from - she is lovely but we did'nt really 'click' ( met through NCT she is SAHM with a cleaner, cook and hubby with million pound bonus - not that i'm jealous!!) I know her daughter is very sociable and my little one isnt (yet) so it might be a good idea to meet up and she can introduce my ds to some of her friends!

In your position I would send him to the private school from September. On the whole private school nurseries are very good - they make a big effort as they want people to stay on to the school - you can often use the government nursery vouchers towards the fees until your child is 5.

In September apply for a state school place for the following academic year. You can then keep your options open longer. If your DS settles in well to the private school he can stay there. If you find out it doesn't seem quite what you'd hoped or he isn't happy you can give a terms notice and take up the state school place when he is school age.

The other thing is that if your son is overwhelmed in the room of 23 children he might be much happier in the private school as it will probably have a smaller class than that and he may be happier in a different environment.

It doesn't sound as though the current nursery is ideal for your Son so you have nothing to lose by trying out the private school.

Don't worry about the class part of it.
Me and DH are as common as muck and my kids have loved their private school in a very swanky catchment. Neither they nor us have ever been excluded from anything.

Ps - It doesn't matter a jot what the other mothers think of you. You are all paying the fees and have the same right to enjoy sending your children there.

lol litchick! thats reassuring for us to know actually - looking at posts on here re; private schools, there does seem to be quite an eclectic mix of parents which is great.

hapwom - yes, i was thinking of doing this and also feel that he might cope better in a small class environment - my mum (who lives 150 miles away) always describes ds as a 'granny reared' (think irish accent) child. we live in a 'quiet' way and dont have loads of contact with other mums or kids ds age - not a good thing but unfortunately I work part time and collect ds at different times to the majority. will have to make more of an effort to noisy things up!
will have to log off now as have totally neglected cleaning to be on mn!

Hi
I'd go with the idea of trying the nursery for one year and keeping state options open too.

Try not to base your assumptions of what the parents will be like on the woman you know - there will probably be many with more moderate incomes too (unless it's Eton or similar!)

And besides in the past year she might well have found herself without that million pound bonus and cook and cleaner given everything going on!

There are rich nice people and poorer nice people and rich idiots and poor. Hopefully no-one will give a monkeys whether you live in a mansion or a tiny flat or something in between!

Hi
I'd go with the idea of trying the nursery for one year and keeping state options open too.

Try not to base your assumptions of what the parents will be like on the woman you know - there will probably be many with more moderate incomes too (unless it's Eton or similar!)

And besides in the past year she might well have found herself without that million pound bonus and cook and cleaner given everything going on!

There are rich nice people and poorer nice people and rich idiots and poor. Hopefully no-one will give a monkeys whether you live in a mansion or a tiny flat or something in between!

oops

oneofakind, i am facing similar decisions to you but the other way round- dd1 currently at a lovely private nursery but in order to get a reception place at the outstanding RC school up the hill (wonder if we live at the foot of the same hill ) she'd have to start nursery there in september.

i have spent many nights agonising what the right thing to do is, and have decided (until i change my mind again!) that i will send her to the nursery attached to the school (provided she gets a place, we are still waiting to hear) because the school feels right to us, it's our best option, she would fit in well there and contrary to you i'd rather save the money for tuition + private secondary.

i think you have to follow your instinct- whatever it tells you! if the school is right, and you are confident about your decision, you will be able to support ds through the transition, and in the long run you'll all be happier...