Sensitive son

[bettylou]

Hi - I'm new here, so not sure if this is the right place for this message, but I'm a bit concerned about my oldest son who's 7.5. He's always been quite sensitive and is happiest when he's surrounded by all his family, although at school he is very popular. However, he doesn't really like going to play at friends' houses by himself, and I've tried him at gymnastic and football lessons (he loves football), but have had to drop them as if the people he knows don't turn up he just bursts into tears and wants to go home.

He's always had a problem going back to school on the first couple of days after a holiday - weepy and clingy, even though his mates are running up to him and cuddling him. But we've just had an especially bad couple of weeks. He's been ill with this nasty virus that's going around, giving fever and bad coughs. We sent him back to school when he was over the worst, but he's been quite lethargic and hasn't wanted to run around and play football with the others. So his teacher is letting him play chess or on the computer at lunch and break. But each morning he's really tearful and upset and keeps complaining that he doesn't feel well and clings to dh like a limpet in the playground when he's being dropped off.

I don't think he's really ill still (and the doctor said last week that she thought it was just the aftermath of the virus), but worst case scenarios keep running though my head (eg leukemia). Also, I don't want to change his personality as he's delightful and loving, but I'm wondering if there's some way we can help him to cope more with external pressures. His two younger brothers are much more robust personalities.

I'd be very grateful for any suggestions, especially from people who've been through similar.

Sorry bettylou - mine are too young for me to offer any help, but I read your post with sympathy, empathy & concern, cos I reckon that's what I'll be going through in a few years' time - my elder son is very sensitive & hisyounger brother is very bouyant & lively & confident.

Is this a common first-child trait? All the best for you & ds

Can't help with the bigger picture but I can totally sympathise with the really ill still bit. My lively bouncy 4 year old has been totally felled by what sounds like the same virus - high temp for several days, no other real sypmtoms, except now a cold, heavy eyes, grey skin, deep dark circles and unbelievable lethargy (doesn't even want to play with her best friend, just wants to cuddle me all day). If other kids in her class hadn't had a similar thing I'd be in casualty demanding lumbar punctures. So hope we can reassure each other that while our kids may have other problems to overcome (don't get me started) hopefully leukemia isn't one of them at the moment!

bettylou - you have my sympathies, one of ds' good friends sounds just the same (he is 8), he won't go to football training 'on his own' and his Mum often has a nightmare getting him into school. Ds is very outgoing and I am often surprised that they get on as well as they do. I often get a call from his friend's Mum to check that ds is going to football training or whether he is going to another friend's party etc. We have an agreement that if her ds is playing her up in the morning she brings him to my house and he walks to school with ds - this does seem to avoid the clinginess in the playground.
Is there another child that he could pair up with to go to football training etc. maybe one parent take both and one pick up - at least he will know that his friend is going if they travel together. To be honest, if he never played you up when you took him to school I would be concerned now but, he sounds like he is reacting similarly to when he returns from being on school holidays etc. He may be feeling a bit more tired than usual (clock change won't help either).
Does he have any contact with school friends during the holidays? If not, this may be a reason why he finds going back so hard.

Thanks for all your repsonses.

Jaybee - the idea of going to school and activities with a friend so they actually arrive together is a good one. Ds does play at friends' houses during the holiday - it's always a struggle to get him to go, but once he's there he thoroughly enjoys it.

CII - Thanks for your concern. I'm totally hacked off with our GPs' response to the illness and have actually gone on the health board to see if anyone can recommend a good paediatrician so I can get him checked out thoroughly.

Monkey - I think according to classical Adlerian theory on birth order, first borns should be strict and authoritarian and generally Maggie Thatcher clones. I think we've both proved that one wrong!

Bettylou - I do wonder if it is a first child thing, as my ds is very similar, although quite a bit younger (4). He is quite clingy and it took me absolutely ages to settle him at nursery. He is much better doing things/going places without me if one of his friends is there, otherwise he is very wary. I am not looking forward to him starting school soon, but then maybe he will pick up on my vibes, so perhaps I should try to be much more positive about it! As for dd (15 months), she is much more willing to get stuck into things. I am sure that when she gets older she will definitely be the one bossing him about!!