Need advice on 3yr old starting nursery and post natal depression...pls help!

[kutilputil]

hi pls bear with me as some of this may not make sense...i have a 3 year old born dec 05 and just had another boy dec 08, he is now aout 5 wks old. my ds1 hasn't much experience with playgroups and i have never left him at a childcare setting. he has however been left with friends and family many times and he was ok. i have been feeling low since the birth of ds2, arguing with hubby and just generally unhappy, sometimes not knowing why, other times being upset over the dust on the floor!ds1 has been offered a nursery place for 2.5 hrs a day, mon-fri.we started on monday and today was day 3. i have been with him mon and tues and hubby went today. he is more clingy with hubby but didn't have any problem with either of us leaving for the short test times when we told him we were leaving and then returned. i'm finding the whole job really difficult, managing baby, breast feeding, time and emotional turmoil, even on my part. what should i do?i feel like it may be too early for him to start and i have not had the chance to get myself together after the birth to be able to give him and the nursery idea my best effort and attention. he can always start in september cant he?in the mean time i can get him to go mother and toddler classes and stuff and build his confidence that way...what do you guys think...pls advise me as i am teary every day, today being the worst....i feel like i have so many worries and yet i cannot put a finger on them and deal with them, i just cant be happy at the moment and feel its unfair on ds1 and 2 to give them any less than they deserve...i may have post natal depression as i cannot be happy and besotted with ds2 i just about feed him and clean him...just the basic duties really....pls help

OH dear, first things first - have you talked to your Health Visitor or the GP? They will be able to diagnose and treat PND Secondly, does your DS enjoy the nursery? You can always start with a day or two if you feel uneasy with him going 5 days straight away - DS went 2 days, now 3 days @ 2.10 building him up to 5 when he is 3. Does your DH know how you are feeling?

I feel for you. I think its really hard having a second. You are expected to know what to do and no one seems that keen on offering help second time round. You say that DS1 is happy at nursery. I can understand that you might feel guilt for putting him into nursery. I think though that you need some bonding time with DS2 and DS1 possibly needs some time away from his new brother.

In terms of your mental state, it maybe that you have pnd but it maybe that you are just starting to get to grips with managing a new baby whilst trying to manage a toddler and a house. It can get tough. I would sya the first 6 months post DS2 were the worst but it did get better. I was on the verge of being diagnosed PND but my HV was very good and recommended that I tried new things for myself. This help boost my non mum me.

I hope that things get better soon.
Spoo
xx

I have a 3 year gap, like you, although mine are both girls. I found the first few months after DD2 was born very difficult. I had expected it to be easy as I felt I would know what I was doing second time around but in fact I found doing the right thing for two children at the same time was much harder than I expected.

I agree that talking to a health visitor or GP is a good idea. PND or not, you sound like a great mum who wants the best for her children. I'm sure you are doing a brilliant job.

With regard to nursery, my DD1 was already at nursery for a couple of mornings a week when DD2 arrived and I seem to remember we than increased it to every day. I felt it was important for her to have a life away from the baby, where she could mix with others her own age, while I gave myself time to get to know the new arrival. My advice would be to stick with nursery and give DD1 lots of attention in the afternoons.

It WIll get easier - I promise! Good luck

By the way, they are 13 and 10 now and are the greatest things that ever happened to me!

thankyou for your advice, i have talked to hubby but when has a man truly understood these feelings?he said today he is helping me out so it should be abit better but he just cant understand my feelings...fair enough...talking to HV and doc is scary as they go into depression and i'm not sure i want that on my record...ds1 seems happy when he is there but has a hard time sharing and has not made a friend (has girls who are mothering him occaisionally cos he is so small!). he just looks so cut off from the rest of them, but then he has only been there three days and the other kids have been there for some time...does he eventually fit in..i have so many anxieties around this..i just cant let go and let him advance maybe...i know he needs time away from us to to get positive and fruitful things done because he doesn't get that much when he is at home...and i need time with ds2 as i have not bonded with him at all...its just i wish he had gone in earlier and we had all the settling in over and done with so we can move and and all be happy...i just cant juggle EVERYTHING {SAD}...

As a mother of three who suffered postpartum depression after each and every birth I am here to tell you sometimes it gets better and sometimes it doesn't. Call your doc immediately!!! Depression after the birth of a baby is not a character flaw or a sign of weakness-not seeking help might be though.

I agree with isenhart7. There is absolutely no shame in having PND on your record! A vast number of women experience it and getting help and support is the most important thing. My HV diagnosed PND and suggested I see my GP for medication but I was lucky mine was relatively mild and so I resisted. However, knowing support was there for me did help a bit. I believe that for many people, medication can be a lifeline and I like to think I would have accepted it if it had been necessary for me.

It is good that you can talk to your DH - but you're right that he will find it hard to understand your feelings. A professional will be better equipped to do so.

I would suggest you take a deep breath and get the help and support your family needs to get through this difficult time.

It sounds like your DS is just settling in and I'd wait before making any decisions about reducing his nursery time. Few children are immediately happy and fully involved at nursery - he is probably just finding his feet.

kutilputil - you sound as though you are having a hard time.

And it sounds as though (IMO) your anxiety about your ds1 at nursery is actually part of how YOU are feeling and not necessarily how HE is feeling.

If you were in a better place emotionally you would prob see that your little ds1 being mothered by some little girls at nursery after only 3 days is a very GOOD sign that he is doing OK at nursery. And that it gives every sign that when he settles (and he will!) he'll spread his wings and love it!

BUT it is you that needs some care and attention. Go to your GP and have a chat. Tell your HV if you want that you are struggling.

Good luck.

I would like to echo everything the others have said. It sounds as though your ds is settling quite well into nursery. If you read the threads here you will see that many or even most children have some tears separating from their carers in nursery, reception and even further along in their school life. I also know that the logistics of getting a child to nursery with a young baby in tow can be difficult. You can guarantee that as soon as you are ready to leave, your baby will either need a nappy change or a feed. All this is normal!

I would certainly mention your feelings to your doctor or HV. For many people, having a diagnosis is reassurring. Remember also that it is still only 5 weeks since you had your ds2 and that PND is very treatable. Get as much sleep as you possibly can and remember to eat well to keep your energy levels up.

ds1 has an upset stomach and so have not sent him to nursery today. Had a little lie in till 9 but it was all broken sleep as ds2 was crying and winging throughout from his 6am feed. now he sleeps but just when we came down he cried and cried and the ds1 cried for fear of soiling his underwear and now i feel like crying!

i just cant sleep, i dont have a habit of sleeping in the daytime and when i think o could its impossible as someone or another is playing up, usually ds2 as he seems to be wide awake for most part of the day...dh is at work so no one around to watch over them for me, at night the endless night feeds and nappy changes and carrying means the odd hours i get to sleep are pointless as they are disturbed and not solid chunks of sleep. i just feel i should get the rest and recoup and chill out for a bit and maybe wait till september to put ds1 in nursery, in the meantime i could take his to playgroups etc to build his confidence and give him time out. i'm torn between many thoughts and feelings and it these things that i cant seem to organise in my head and they make me down.

Wouldn't it be great to get a good night's sleep and have clarity in your thinking again? You can and quickly too if you get some help. Please call today!

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postpartum_depression

kutilputil - I really feel your GP could help you. Also, do you have anyone nearby you could talk to? A good friend? Any family? I'm sure there are people who care about you who would love to help if they knew how you were feeling. Admitting we are struggling is often the first step to getting back on track. You have admitted it here, to us, but we can't provide the practical support you need.

I was told that PND often hits perfectionists - we can't understand why we aren't sailing through and living up to our image of the perfect mother. Take it from me - there is no perfect mother! Please, please, get some help with both the emotional and practical sides of being a new mum of 2 children.

I hope your feeling better and the day away from nursery has helped you see things more clearly. I understand that you might be afraid that the doc or HV will just want to put you on drugs. It is not the only answer to PND there is other stuff you can do too.

I think you are confused and cannot 'organise your head' due to lack of sleep and lack of support. I agree with the others when they say that just by mentioning that you aren't coping as well as you hoped it will releive a lot of the pressure.

Please please give yourself a break you DS2 is only 5 weeks old and whilst some like to give the appearance most of us are not super mums and cannot always hold it together all the time.

I hope things look brighter soon.

Spoo
xxx

PS one of the things I did when I thought I had PND was write a diary. I also did lists of things taht were good about the day. I will try to find a suitable link for you.

Sorry its a Netmums link!! But I found the diary bit was really good and great to look back on.

this is it

sometimes the kindness of strangers is baffling compared to those we call our loved ones...i have thought about mentioning some of these problems to members of the family and close friends but there seems to be no one suitable as they are either going through something themselves or they just stand back and judge you or have a 'see how we feel/felt' look about them. i mentioned the waking early and not sleeping enough to a member of the family and she sniggered and made a comment like 'now you know what it feels like' and i was shocked. you all have taken the time out to advise me genuinely and yet you owe me nothing, but those people we accociate with on a day to day basis seem to not have the time or the energy for us...or maybe its just me.
Spoo, i thought of writing it down in a diary as i used to do this in my teens and it helped me sail through much of the issues at the time, but now there doesn't seem any time for writing, and its become quiet frustrating, thought of doing it on the PC but thats also not possible....i even considered putting it onto a voice recorder but that seems balmy!Anyway i appreciate all your kind word and hope that maybe i can pluck up the courage to speak to GP...HV is a bit weird...she seems to talk over you and is somewhere else when you are talking....but i might just keep my head down and bear it for a little longer..i dont know...

Good Morning! Hope you had a better night's sleep.

Sorry to hear you don't feel you have support from family and friends. I can't imagine any of them would have the attitude you describe if they really knew what you are experiencing right now. I also know how difficult it is to share feelings of inadequacy (you're NOT inadequate but that's how I felt in your position) with people close to you.

Sorry also that you don't have a good relationship with your HV. You'd hope these people would have better people skills!

We all have our own ways of coping and you must do what you feel is right. however, I would strongly urge you to open up to someone who can help you. GPs see this every day and can help you - and as Spoo said, not just with medication.

Hang on in there!

Hi Motherofgirls, thanks for checking up on me...today wasn't a good day at all...just been bust on my feet with ds1 being unwell and ds2 constantly crying and wanting to be carried i have not had time to breathe...and now am sitting trying to switch off by watching tv and eating choclate....and crying....even if i were to speak to family they either wont have the time tofully listne and hear me out or just wont understand...i truely believe if you have not experienced something yourself you wont be able to empathise at all....i feel so aone and what hurts the most is my dh pretending this is not happening and carrying on with his life and work as normal...

Okay-the weekend's coming up so that dh of yours can take care of the children and let you get some rest? If not-why not?

but i have to provide the breast every two-three hours!

Yes, I remember it well as I nursed for a solid decade! Hubby's got arms and legs though and he can bring babe back and forth to you-while you get some much needed rest. Otherwise, let hubby know that you'll be pumping milk all week-stocking up the freezer-and staying alone at a hotel next weekend!

lol!Isenhart7 you're crazy....but right!

We had a family bed with a crib next to it-I had one baby who would roll back and forth from our bed to the crib-I never burped anyone who breastfed while laying down but that's probably because I was always falling asleep!

Here are some thoughts from: www.easybabylife.com/new-mom.html

Dad's night UP!

Someone told me (don't know if it's true) that a new mom wakes up on average every third minute to check on her newborn. That is some 160 times a night!! The mother doesn't remember more than maybe 6 or 7 times, but guess what - she gets really tired.

So, every now and then, go to bed early with earplugs. If possible even sleep in your own room. Let dad take care of the waking up at night and let him carry the baby to you for nursing. If possible even let him handle the burping (whether the baby is breastfed or not).

Let dad handle the first nighttime feeding

Being a new mom, a friend of mine used to put her baby to bed at 8 pm. Then she went to bed at 9 pm and let her husband bottle feed their infant at 11 pm. That meant that she had undisturbed sleep from 9 pm to 2 am without asking her husband to take responsibility at night. Great!

This can be done even if you breastfeed (and even if your husband has to be able to think clearly the day after). Pump just before you go to bed. The milk can be stored in the refrigerator for a several hours without deteriorating. Or you can use formula if appropriate for your child.

How's it going, kutilputil? Hope you have found someone to talk to and that you are getting some help....

thanks for checking up on me Motherofgirls, the lastmtime i spoke was on saturday and since then its gone from bad to worse, suddenly my wisdom tooth decided to come through and since saturday night i have been in agony!the worst i have had, from severe pounding/lightening like headaches to swollen glands and tonsilitus....and on monday just as i was getting ready to go dentist i was doing a quick spot of cleaning...vases!and it cracked and i had cuts and glass sprays all over my hands!i felt lke i am being battered in the last couple of days...the only good thing that has happened is my hubby and i are reconciled a few things and i have told him how i have been feeling and he has made some agreements with me and bless him, he is trying to live upto them, he wakes very ealy and settles baby till he leaves for work, giving me some time to rest in bed alone...and he has been more sypathetic and attentitive around the household duties...so....well lets see eh?i just want to recover and begin again...