all of my friends send their dcs to private schools and i am feeling the pressure

[beforesunrise]

this is a badly titled post, i know. but basically i am looking at schools for my dd and i just realised i basically do not know anyone who sends their kids to state schools. i am considering what to do, not anti private per se, although a big financial commitment for us. However i do feel that state should be the default option but i am completely bemused by the lack of any experience in my friends and neighbours that i could draw on. although well-off, we are not rich, and neither are our friends, but we do live in central london where state schools aren't great by reputation or results.

i almost feel as though if we decide to send her to a state school we'll be completely on our own. i am desperate to meet other parents and i am coming across as increasingly mad, to the point of asking people at bus stops etc what schools their dcs go to

i am visiting ALL the local schools, state, faith, and independents, to try and make up my mind... hard though...

i know there are millions of posts on the topic of private education but i am wondering if anyone else has been in this position, and what have you done?

I agree with frogs. A primary school that slightly pshaws at problems as a barrier to education, while being sympathetic and not denying them, and gets on with providing all the kids, no matter what their ishoos, with a good grounding in the basics and lets them have fun too will suit most children just fine, ime. And there are loads more out there than you might think. Happy looking and good luck whatever you decide.

sunshine- i have tried and failed to get mnetters with inside knowledge... my stalking at bus stops (and playgrounds, supermarkets, etc etc) continues...

lol at stalking! Most schools have summer fairs which they publicise quite widely, that can be a good time to feel the vibe.

I think you need to visit the schools and choose that way. I felt a huge amount of pressure when choosing a school for my ds, having friends who chose state over private and vice versa and both sets being very vocal about it. Also as a single parent I had no one to help my make one of the most important decisions so far for my ds.

Interestingly the private school I thought I'd like (lots of friends with children there) I couldn't stand the smug head and the way the children seemed to be a bit under the thumb and too well-behaved. The private school I thought I wouldn't like (all boys and not keen on single sex ed) completely bowled me over. Head amazing and boys exactly the way I'd like my ds to turn out.

Out of the three state schools I looked at, the one that is in the top 20 in the country was my second favourite when I'd assumed it would be my favourite. My least favourite was one that I thought I'd worry about the catchment area but actually the fact that the head didn't even know the names of the pupils showing us round and generally had an odd attitude was enough to put me off without considering the catchment intake. The one that looked like a cross between a Victorian prison and the worst 1960s architecture impressed me most. Even though class sizes were large (35). Head very inspirational and I liked the school ethos.

In the end I chose the all boys private partly because of the head but also because it offered the wraparound care I needed. It was very close decision and one I agonised over for ages. Having thought I'd be influenced by my friends, in the end I chose what was the best fit for my ds and for me and chose the least fashionable school.

Basically a long winded way of saying you will know by the end of the school visits which is the right place for your dd irrespective of what others tell you .

Should also add that I did the stalking thing too in our local park playground! I got quite brazen about it and would quite happily go up to anyone there with school aged children.

I don't live in London but I have a friend in Camden. Their experience was:
-Primary was OK but people went very strange in Y6: very secretive about what they were doing due to competition for scarce places at good schools.
-You are better off if you have a DD because there are single sex schools for girls (but not boys). As a generalisation, girls are better behaved so those that are fussed go to girls' schools. Which means that the rump - boys and families that aren't fussed - get lumped together in the other schools which are then below par.

Sunrise - some thoughts:

• When stalking, go for the parents with the slightly older dc! They will have had longer in the school and probably give a good perspective, especially if they have more than one dc.
• Look at the documents provided by the local authority on its schools and see which are the most oversubscribed and then go and visit them.
• See if the schools you are interested in have a website, or PTA website. You can often glean useful information from them.

Finally, if you are considering a church school, find out the times of the family services on Sunday and ask parents there. Quite often they get together for coffee etc after.

If you are kilburn / west hampstead then I know that the church school on the corner of Mill Lane and west end lane is very good and have a number of friends doing the sunday church thing to get places with places like Northbridge House as back ups. You are right though, most people in that area do seem to go private.

visit all options in plenty of time, meet the heads, see their ofsteds and results, consider whether your dc's friends will live near, and if that's important to you. my bil and sil decided not to send theirs private even though all their friends were and they just about had enough money - instead they decided to use that money for extra curricular things like music lessons, stagecoach, ski trips etc.