lonely boy

[Maple77]

am new.Hope this is the right place to post. My ds is in 2nd year of secondary school and although he is fine in class he struggles with break and lunchtime. He usually has lunch with a group of boys but told me yesterday he often feels awkward with them.He has no real friends.Saw one of the boys a few times out of school but that fizzled out. His bf from primary went to a different school and they haven't maintained contact although he could try texting him and try to meet up. My son is happy at home and fine with us and his wider family but I do worry. Has anyone got any thoughts on how I can help my shy bright boy?

sorry mine are much younger but hopefully someone will be along soon with some advice .
Does second yr mean nearly teenage ? If so I am sure if you look at the teenage topic you will find someone who will know better .

Good luck

Does he do anything out of school-follow interests?

Oh, maple - one of every mum's nightmares, isn't it?

But you have said he has lunch with a group of boys, and is happy at home and with family, so is he unhappy, or are you? We all feel a bit awkward with our peers at times, that is natural.

Have you thought about having a quiet word with his Form Tutor, as the school may have a different perspective.

Oh, how sad for you both.
Agree, are there any clubs he could join, either in or outside of school? What are his hobbies?
Have you asked why he feels he doesn't fit in with the group of boys? What is it about them that makes him feel uncomfortable?
I dread this, DS1 has only just started reception but has said "no one likes me" and my heart breaks for him.
Hoping some Mom's of teens spot this for you.

He doesn't really have any out of school interests. We make him go to the school Library Club,which he used to go to willingly.He has been very upset about feeling awkward and I am trying to be laid back and not add to his worries.
I think it has got to the stage (not got any better) when I may need to get in touch with school. Will post on teenage as well - he is almost one of them!!

I wonder what causes the 'awkward' feeling? Is he not interested by the 'in' things that they are all discussing, maybe?

Hello and welcome to MN first of all.

I do feel for you in this situation. My sons also have a history of not always fitting in. My eldest is the same year as yours and did not have friends throughout primary until we moved when he was in Year 4. He then, astonishingly after what had gone before, found acceptance with his new class, and made 2 very firm friends who are still friends with him today. When he moved to secondary school with these friends, he also made another friend and I am just delighted as they are all nice boys and he is so secure now after years of not fitting in. Like your son, he is very shy and very bright and does not share "popular" interests.

My second son is another proposition altogether - not at all shy, but way brighter than even his older brother, and unfortunately, he does not hide his intellect and has suffered a lot at the hands of his peers. He is in Year 6 now and I am hoping and praying that the transfer to secondary allows him to get away from his current classmates and to find just one compatible soul.

Because that is all that is needed: for your son to find one friend that he feels totally comfortable with. What interests does your son have? Is there anyway you can use those to introduce him to likeminded souls? I would second speaking to the form tutor about this as I have found teachers often have a totally different perspective on your child. Also, if you don't speak to the tutor, maybe because your son is quiet and good, he will not be noticed and his difficulties won't be addressed. I think it is important to address issues such as this as it is to address issues in his education.

X posts. Just to be clear, when I asked about his interests, I was not necessarily meaning school interests. My sons are not that interested in school activities either but they love the computer game Runescape, and playing games such as Pokemon on the DS, and my eldest in particular lives and breathes Warhammer. He is painfully shy with people, but if he found out someone had one of those interests, he would break through his shyness barrier to rabbit on about them! I was wondering what interests your son likes talking about?

Yes he is not really interested in things they discuss. He is not into sports. Is not interested in music or girls yet.
I did find a friend for him to walk home with a couple of times a week but my son has let this fade away although the other boy was similiar (quiet, likes reading).

I am not sure at the age he is now you can find friends for him. You can only guide him towards people who you think he will get on with. Which is maybe where the form tutor comes in because he/she will know the other children in the form.

He enjoys Wii and ds games and going on the internet.He is also into cluedo at the moment. I am sure he does talk to these luchtime boys about the wii games and certainly when one of the boys came round a couple of times they played on the wii and seemed quite happy but what went wrong??
If he had one good friend I would be so happy for him and he would be much happier in himself.

Could you foster the friendship with the boy who is similar and likes reading? Take them both out at the weekend to some short thing which keeps them busy and lengthen the time, if they get on.

Reading your posts carefully, it seems as if you might be contributing to your son's anxiety over this. Comments like 'what went wrong' suggest that maybe you are over-analysing the situation a bit. That may make him anxious in company, worrying about whether this friendship 'is going to work'. Too much pressure.

My impression is that boys bond and make friends based around interests/what they DO together - football, computer games, music, Wii. Girls make friends based more on what they SAY - secrets, confidences, jokes etc. Its a generalisation, but I am sure the answer will be for him to find people who like doing what he does, and not to push anything - friendships are fluid, come and go. Having a 'best friend' is not the be all and end all.

Maybe have a quiet word with the teacher, but try not to worry.