My DS (Y5) is the naughtiest child in class- how can I help him behave?

[festivefailingparent]

Long and I have name changed as I am worried that I am a bad parent and this is all my fault...

About 3 weeks ago I got called to see DS's teacher (new to the school this year). She said that after a great start to the year he has become very silly and is disrupting other children. She has tried to move him to sit next to different people but that has not worked and she has now put him in an alcove to one side of the class where he sits on his own. She has also started writing a note daily in his home link diary telling me how he has done each day. There seems to be a pattern emerging where he will be good for a day or most of a day and then be silly. The silly behaviour includes doing "rude" drawings, trying to make jokes, pulling faces etc, nothing nasty, just all quite childish and I can see how it must be annoying to the teacher and potentially disruptive to the class. This week's (more serious)incident involved him putting the scissor blades on either side of his nose - he said he didn't want to cut himself, he just wanted to know what the metal felt like. He is right at the top of his class academically but he does not have loads of friends. I don't know if he is being silly because he is bored or as a way of getting attention or trying to make friends, but I feel awful that I have no idea how to help him. Is this normal nine year old behaviour? How can I help him see that if he is doing this out of boredom or to draw attention to himself it is counter-productive? I thought that making him sit on his own might bring him to his senses but after three weeks I am starting to worry it may just be isolating him further. We were told he was silly last year too but he had a a succession of supply teachers so hoped that some consistency might sort it out, there were no real problems in Y3 when he had a fantastic teacher who really engaged him.

Bumping this up, as my DS is almost this bad. Luckily there are a couple of worse boys, so he gets away with it.

I think that I would make real use of the link book and take things away if he gets bad comments and give him treats if he has good days.
If he is bright you should be able to sit down with him and talk about friendships and how to be a good friend, DCs of that age will avoid him if he shows that sort of behaviour. I would have some of them home after school to encourage friendships and do outside activities that encourage responsibilities like cubs or martial arts.

Lots of boys are silly at least some of the time - my DS being one of them

He might well be bored, and probably does want attention. Maybe the teacher is a bit weak?

You say he doesn't have many friends. Have you got any idea why this is?

He won't have many friends if he behaves in an inappropriate way; the rest will be happy to have him as class clown and laugh at him but they won't choose to work or play with him. I am sure there are books to help your DCs make friends-perhaps someone will come up with one-I'm sure it has been mentioned before.

What is he like at home?

Hmmm... first impressions (as a teacher, secondary though) are that he/teacher/rest of class are simply tired.

As a teacher, I would be planning my day/lessons to take this into account. Eg more arty/physical activities, and opportunities to BE silly...

Well done to him for maintaining 'good' behaviour for most of the day , as a teacher I would want to be bigging this up and then grabbing him before he gets silly. Not sure about sitting him on his own, sounds like it is working but

For YOU. It depends what his reaction is. I would be tempted to downplay his silly behaviour and talk about what he is doing really well, myself.

I'm with Umlellala on this one. I've got a boy who is on the sillier side of sensible. The best advice the head teacher gave us was to stop focusing the bad behaviour (just wish he'd given ds's teacher the same advice). Within a week we were less stressed as a family which in turn calmed ds down. He's still on the sillier side but is gradually getting his behaviour on track.

It's only a few days till the holidays. Treat the holiday as a holiday. Try not to talk about school unless he brings it up. It's really hard when it's your child being the disruptive one.

Thank you for all your comments so far. I was OK about him sitting on his own to start but it seems to me that if it is not working the teacher should stop as it may just be isolating him further. We have tried star charts, taking away toys, praising for everything good, asking him what he thinks he did well each day to build his self confidence, everything really and none of it seems to work for any length of time. He can be silly at home but it is much more rare and he is really great when he has other (non school) friends over. I wonder if he has maybe carved out a role for himself as the class clown and can't now find another way to relate to the children there. I can see how they then don't want to play with him (although seems more an issue with play dates rather than at school)but as the silliness mainly happens when he is in large groups rather than 1 to 1 playing I am not sure how to help because we don't have that situation at home. I can't invite half the class round just to do role play with him!

Do any teachers have this situation and how do they help children to play/interact with class mates?

Can you encourage him by rewarding him with tokens at the end of each day that his behaviour is good/acceptable, which he can trade in for a reward at a later date?

Maybe talk to him about how he is finding school, and what prompts him to be silly.

It's hard to comment just given the details in your posts but personally, I think the isolating will be giving him the role 'the bad one' in the class. As a teacher, I would be trying to find new labels/roles for him and ways he can help others. I am a drama teacher and insist on children working with all members of the class. If a child was struggling in a large group I might give them a specific task - eg, 'can you, x, collect everybody's number cards?' etc. The teacher should have lots of strategies to try...

Being silly is fun! I would prob be utilising that silliness (but then, I am a silly drama teacher).

It sounds to me like a) not that big a deal (but then, I am used to v challenging kids and b)easily dealt with by the teacher and c) something you could sort of ignore. By all means, say 'that's not a very good idea' with scissors example etc but save the admonishing/punishments for the dangerous/rude stuff IMO. Go overboard on what he did that was fun that day, did he nearly do something stupid but not etc...

Thing about any rewards etc, they need to be maintained. Just keep the smiles and the enjoying his silliness going and all will be fine (kids and adults will always misbehave occasionally). Re the friends, how does he feel about it? Is he trying to push people away?

I agree with the other poster that such silly behaviour is unlikely to get him any friends. However, it might get him attention he wants from his classmates, and any attention is better than being ignored.

I recently got the book "The unwritten rules of friendship". It's got lots of good advice about how to help your child make friends. I can't do links but I got it on Amazon.

My son was the "naughtiest boy" for several years. It was very hard for him and for me as a mother. He had no friends because other parents heard about the behaviour and would not invite him to parties etc. Good teachers could handle him, but not average ones. A couple of points re rewards/ sanctions an ed psych told me that all systems will often appear to work at first then the child tests them for a while so you have to stick with them even when they look as if they have stopped working. Also any signs of something like ADHD which is not just jumping around the class or not paying attention - it can mean poor impulse control. If so then rewards and sanctions do not work and you have to try other methods to control behaviour. We used cognitive behavioural and that plus maturity mean that he is better behaved and happier now (he is y8 and hit rock bottom in y4). Another prob was that he was bright and bored - you mention that your ds is bright so he might just be trying to keep himself amused. Good Luck - i know it can be really tough