AIBU to suggest that dd1's teacher lets her sit next to someone different?

[jollyholly]

DD1 has been unhappy at school since the beginning of the Autumn term. She's getting better - she was crying at night, in the morning, sleepwalking, and generally displaying anxiety symptoms verging on OCD. She says she's lonely and isolated, and has no friends.

The problem is that she goes to a very small school, with only 8 year 3's, three of whom are girls. The other two girs work at a different level to the others and sit on a different table, so dd1 sits with five boys.

We've been going to school on a monthly basis to talk with the Head, as we felt the situation needed intervention, particularly when she was waking for several hours a night, every night and crying every morning at school. School have tried a couple of things - asking the whole class to write down their favourite things and walking around the room till they found someone they had something in common with (no-one had the same things written down as dd1) and pulling dd1 to the front of the class and telling them that "dd1 has no friends, who will play with her at playtime" ()

We've been thinking about moving her, but dh is dead against it. So, I've been wondering whether to suggest to the Head on Friday when we next meet, that the teacher lets her sit next to the boys she likes (at the moment she sits next to a particularly obnoxious boy). This would mean a rearrangement of the six children on the table. I know teachers position children for certain reasons, and normally I wouldn't interfere, but she's been so unhappy.

Additionally, I'd like to suggest that the dinner ladies engineer seating plans at lunchtime - this doesn't happen at the moment, and I know for example that there have been occasions where dd2 has been sat at a table on her own as the other tables were full.

But am I out of order?

Why is DH against it? Even if the teacher changes the seating she is going to have problems-she simply hasn't got a big enough pool of potential friends. 3 is a very bad number for girls-one will get left out.

That sounds like a perfectly reasonable request.

re moving her - the dh's always seem against it (mine inc when have had probs) - why is that?

I think you should at least look at larger schools and see if you think your dd wouldbe happier there

has she been at this school since reception? if so, that's a long time to give it a chance to get better

Thank you, I'll suggest it then. She's been there since reception, but was happy in the infants, it's only since she's been in the juniors that we've had the problems.

I've looked at other schools, and the only ones that I would be happy with are either full or independent and therefore out of financial reach! But a couple of the Heads said to call again after Christmas, so I'll do that. But if we can make it better in the meantime at her present school, then all the better.

In a smaller school your child will have much more direct teacher input than in a larger one. This could realistically lead to your child achieving much more academically.

I would certainly speak to teacher or head to address your immediate problem, but I would be cautious about moving. It is a huge deal for a child to move school and you may well find yourself with a whole load of other problems.

Absolutely Raalix, I know it would be a big deal to move her from the only school she's ever known. But, although it's a small school, there's still 35 in her class with one teacher and one classroom assistant, so I know that ratio is a lot better in other schools.

Small schools don't always mean small classes. Is she in a mixed class of 35 with year 4?

I think this sounds awful - I would move her. Imagine standing her up in front of the class and telling them she has no friends! How could that be anything except a disastrous idea??

What does dp like about this school? I hate it already!

She has no friends because, unless she is a real tomboy, she has a very limited choice. It doesn't matter where she sits, the problem is a lack of girls.

piscesmoon, she's in a class of 35 mixed years 3-6.

I know really the only long term option is to move schools, but it's such a hard thing to do. I think I find the thought a little easier, as I'm the one that takes them to school every day and sees the effect that it has on them. But the worry is that you'd move them and they would be the same (as there's dd2 to think about too) and then they've lost everything they've ever known.

I know I'm coming to this a long time after the original message, but I have a few queries.

If she's in a class of 35, I don't understand why there are only 2 other girls she could sit with.

I've taught mixed age classes, and good practice is that children should be taught by ability, not by age. I would very surprised if all the year 3 boys were at exactly the same level, and that there weren't a few year 4 girls or boys they could be mixed with.

Will things improve next year when she is not in the youngest age group?

Hi Littlefish,

I agree with you completely. When she was in the infant class, some of the children would work with the year above for some subjects, why can't she do that now ?

I don't know whether things would improve next year - I don't really expect so as if they keep them segregated, she'll still have no one.

She's told me tonight, as she went to bed, that she really doesn't want to go to school tomorrow, and will I try to make it better for her? Will I do what ever it takes? . If only she could understand I'd walk on hot coals for her

I'm going to ring some other schools next week, and make some appointments to visit. Then if she hasn't settled down within a couple of weeks I've got a plan B.

Sorry, it is me, I've namechanged!

Hi Bustle - would it be possible for you to speak to the classteacher again about this, or even, the headteacher to find out what the school policy is on children working in ability groups, rather than age groups. As a school with extremely mixed age classes, this should have been well thought through. If the infant class have got it sorted, then it may be that this junior teacher is choosing to teach in this way and needs some guidance and support on how to teach mixed ages more effectively. Has the teacher been there long? Are there any parents of older children you could talk to, to see whether she has always taught in this way?

I've worked in a job share in a mixed year 3 & 4. I love teaching mixed age classes and can say honestly that I really couldn't tell you which children were year 3 and which were year 4 because I always taught by ability. My job share partner, however, really struggled with this, and continued teaching them strictly by age. It was a complete nonsense - giving children homework according to their age, rather than what they could actually do etc.

I really would urge you to go back and talk to the school again because what she's doing really is bad practice. The only way I can think it through in single age class terms would be a teacher who put all the children with birthdays in Sept, Oct and Nov on one table, Dec, Jan and Feb on another etc. and taught them accordingly, regardless of ability, skill or talent. Can you imagine the outcry on mumsnet if that happened!

Thanks Littlefish, we're due to go back and see the Head again at the end of the month, but I think we might need to go back before then.

She didn't want to go back today - when she did go in they had not moved the children around, so she's still sitting in the same place next to this boy. FOrtunately, he's off ill at the moment, so she says she had a bit better day.

They also did an activity today, where they had to describe someone else in the class - on her table with the boys, B described J, J described B, dd1 described H but H also described J instead of dd1. She's quite upset about it.

So, back to my OP, what should i do now? I've asked school if they could move and the Head said yes, but it's not been done. Should I remind them, or is that too much?

Remind them!! This is your daughter and you can never do 'too much' in this situation