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Original poster

Not very popular boy....

11 replies

Flowertop · 13/12/2008 13:25

DS2 started a new Independant school last year which although is great school I have some concerns about his friendships. He does not have any real friends and struggles to even think of anyone he can invite home. I have tried to ask some boys home but they never seem to a)want to come or b) if they do come home they never ask him back or seem to want to know him. The only thing I can think of is that he might be quite needy and in his desparation to want to make friends puts people off. We have discussed this (he is nearly8 8) but not sure if he really understands what I am saying. A couple of new boys have started in the class and I was really pleased thinking that could be the turning point but alas they don't seem to want to be friends with him either. Has anyone experienced this and any advice please. I don't really want to discuss with the other mums as don't want to come across as desparate either. thanks.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 13/12/2008 13:35

Did he have friends in his last school?

PortAndStilton · 13/12/2008 13:54

Have you thought of trying Cubs or similar? That would give him another social avenue. And if he does make friends there it would probably make him less "needy" at school.

Original poster
Flowertop · 13/12/2008 14:17

thanks. Yes he did have friends at his last school but he was younger and they all seemed to muck in together so I have no comparison. He goes to a football club and is pretty good at it. He meets other kids there and because he's good at football and likes to impress they do seem to get on with him. The probem is we all come from different areas so difficult to strike up friendships. I really want to address the school issue as he is there for most of his time. I have noticed a big difference in his self esteem and a friend mentioned that his has lost his 'sparkle'.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 13/12/2008 14:19

get that book from Amazon

hang on a tic will find it

Twiglett · 13/12/2008 14:21

here

neversaydie · 13/12/2008 14:21

We have found the cubs to be absolutely wonderful in similar circumstances. None of the little sods in his class are in this particular pack, so he has gone in on his own merits and loves it.

Twiglett · 13/12/2008 14:21

and speak to the teacher too .. they will have strategies

he's only 8 .. where did his old friends go?

wilbur · 13/12/2008 14:23

Sorry to hear your ds is having a difficult time, flowertop. Have you asked his teacher about who he plays with at school? Maybe that's somewhere to start for the next playdate invite? FWIW, my ds1, also almost 8, doesn't have a particular friend, despite being at his school for 3 years, but he is happy to play with most of the children and has a number of kids he sees for playdates (although not on a regular basis). I think boys place less emphasis on special friends - they just want someone to play with. I also vote for Cubs/Beavers as a great way to bring some sparkle back - ds1 loves it, he gets to hare around like a crazy loon and be a little boy, when at times he can be quite an anxious soul.

Original poster
Flowertop · 13/12/2008 14:33

Thanks so much for your responses. It is getting to me of late as he keeps talking about sitting on his own on the bus, nobody wanted to play his game with him etc. He is a lovely boy and would do anything for anyone - part of the problem. NSayDie - how does he handle the fact that at school he doesn't gel with anyone particularly?
Wilbur - the teacher says that he is friendly with everyone and all the boys play together - so why is it that everyone has playdates and he doesn't? I think the school just want to brush it under the carpet as it isn't a bullying problem.
Twiglett - thanks for the book suggestion. He didn't have a particular friend at his old school and we moved villages so we kind of moved on.x

OP posts:
BingleJells · 13/12/2008 22:57

My DS is a similar age and in a very similar situation. I wondered at first if it was because we're not as rich as the other families at his expensive school. Luckily he's made a couple of local friends so that's helped to stop me worrying about him having no real school friends. Whereabouts are you?

neversaydie · 13/12/2008 23:33

We were able to keep contact going with one friend from his old school (and still do, 2 years on). After about a year, he palled up with a super little boy in the new class and is great friends with him. But he still seems to struggle with the rest. DS was being bullied by a particularly nasty child (all verbal, undermining everything DS said or did). This child left the school a month or so ago, just after we finally got the school to take some action to stop the bullying (unconnected, I think). DS commented that the other children are much nicer to him now. It probably is worth checking out that your son has nothing similar going on - it was quite a while before our boy told us about it. This particular class seems to have been a very stable group from nursery - my son is still 'the new boy' after two years. Also, there is a little girl with Down's syndrome in the class. The school has done absolute wonders and all the children are very protective of her. I sometimes wonder if that is where all their compassion goes, and am very tired of being told that such and such a child must be alright really, because he treats 's' so well.Talking through strategies for dealing with things has helped, as has me taking a step back at work and going part time. My major regret is not tackling the bullying sooner and harder - once we talked to the head, action was taken very quickly.

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