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Education

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Original poster

Does it matter if your dc goes to a school where you really don't fit in?

26 replies

anonymous35 · 10/10/2008 18:02

For whatever reason.

If there is an option where you would fit and one where you wouldn't e.g. because you were much poorer/ wealthier/ had a totally different lifestyle, would it be problematic.

Would it matter if you as a family were a bit different and people might judge you for it?

OP posts:

schwotz · 10/10/2008 18:18

Its hard to say, the bigger the school the larger and more varied the backgrounds. Also you might not feel you fit in, but she actually might and visa versa...IYKWIM

seeker · 10/10/2008 18:21

But most schools have a huge mix of parents - I wouldn't be so sure that you wouldn't "fit in" Can you say a bit more about it?

TotalChaos · 10/10/2008 18:25

got similar issues with DS's school. It's a lovely small caring school in a deprived area - as I live slightly outside that area and am not from that city I find the other parents near all stand-offish. at the moment it's not affecting DS at all, apart from making it nigh on impossible to organise playdates etc. DS loves the school, and it deals well with his mild language related SEN, so I want to keep him there.

Original poster

anonymous35 · 10/10/2008 18:37

Can't quite bring myself to say it as it's so horribly un PC (not about race or ethnicity by the way)....oh ok here we go....we'd probably be one of the only 'professional' families with a big house and i don't think there'd be many people I can imagine normally hanging out with.

Will we not fit in as we'll be viewed as too 'posh' and on another wavelength?

I'm sure the children won't care but I don't really want to stick out like a sore thumb or feel awkward about certain things e.g. when people come round to our house.

(had to name change for this as too embarrassing!)

OP posts:

sarah293 · 10/10/2008 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Overmydeadbody · 10/10/2008 18:41

You don't know you'd be one of the only 'professional' families though, loads of professions don't pay well, especially in academia, so you might be pleasantly surprised by some of the other parents.

Big houses doesn't always mean more interesting/more educated etc.

schwotz · 10/10/2008 18:42

You'd probably be surprised that you are not the only professional family. I mean, how do you know that? Of course it doesn't matter, especially to children. When I was little I mixed with all children and all manor of flats, houses, mansions (and i mean mansions), all at the same school. Young children aren't that bothered. Just don't make excuses and have them to play.

Sanctuary · 10/10/2008 18:44

You should be accepted for being you

Original poster

anonymous35 · 10/10/2008 18:45

Sorry I should not have put big house and professional next to each other in that way - really it is two separate things. Awkwardness of disparities of lifestyle and then the fact we would have quite different educational backgrounds/ jobs.

OMDB - very much agree with big houses not making for more interesting people. Didn't mean that.

I know the parent make up of the school as I have links to it. If it were truly socially mixed I wouldn't have a problem - say it were 50% middle class 50% not but it's more like 5% middle class as most of the local professionals send their kids private.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 10/10/2008 18:54

I dont' think people will be bothered about you being on a different wave lenght - they will probably all have people on their own wave length to talk to.

It's weather you might feel left our.

Firstly there are only a few parents a DS's school with big houses ( and yes I am aware of who they are) and I would love an invitation to tea just to be nosey. Sadly Ds only makes friends with people who live in ordinary houses

There was one mum (who has now sent her Dc's to private school) ex public school type - who became v' good friends with another mum who was, how can I politly put it, um...a bit rough.

It certainly isn't abut how much money you have... I think you will always find one or two mums you clik with (and there will always be one or two you really can't stand) and then there will be loads you really don't bother with, and who don't bother with you.

If it's the right school for your DD, then it should be the right school for you.

LynetteScavo · 10/10/2008 18:54

Did that smile seem patronising?

LynetteScavo · 10/10/2008 18:55

Apologies if it did.

TotalChaos · 10/10/2008 18:57

well you've got to balance whether the benefits of the school for your child outweigh the perceived risk of you being different from the other parents. and bear in mind that just because parents at another school are professionals/have a similar background to you , that is no guarantee that you would form a genuine friendship with them.

fullmoonfiend · 10/10/2008 18:57

I have the opposite problem...almost the whole rest of the shcool population seem to be considerably wealthier than us.
ds2 has a friend round right now who is lovely. But he walked into our house and said: ''oh. is it bigger upstairs...? Where are all the other rooms?''

nooka · 10/10/2008 19:02

It can cause big problems in my experience, but it depends on how monocultural the school is. The more diversity (of any sort) the more accepting of differences the children (and parents) will be.

My siblings and I were sent to a (very good) state Catholic primary school. We were brought up Catholic, but in a different parish, so went to a different church. Most of the children had Irish roots (generally at least one grandparent) my family are fairly "pure" English (something I see as very boring). Most if not all the children lived in the local large estate, and walked to school. We lived in a big house half an hour drive away.

We were all fine in the infants, but struggled to hold onto our friends in the juniors, and my big sister and I were bullied. Not because the children were nasty, but because we just really really didn't fit. My mother didn't notice that we were struggling, but did comment many years that none of the other mothers talked to her...

The school my children went to in the UK (we are now in the US) was probably less diverse than I would have ideally liked, but the children have found plenty of friends, and so have I. It's quite a mixed area, but I have noticed that over time you can see the social divide in the friendship groups (both parents and children).

nooOOOoonki · 10/10/2008 19:06

are you talking about class rather than money?

If you are then I think it is all down to how you act, if you get stuck in and be friendly, open-minded, say hello, invite people round as you would at a school where your 'type' were I bet you find some people will be really receptive and that you will get on with them, and those that aren't wouldn't be worth bothering with anyway.

DH and I have completely different backgrounds and yet we get on really well with each other's friends and family (apart from my FIL is a twonk, but that is another issue all together!... or perhaps it's not... he is a pratt and I would think that whatever his background)

but if you go in and be standoffish, because you expect people to treat you differently, I'm afraid they will. And if that is because you are 'posher' they will view your shyness/unfriendlness etc as you being snobby and having a problem with them.

It may take a while but hang in there and it should sort out.

pointygravedogger · 10/10/2008 19:09

It's the parents who might have a problem with this, especially if they want to form a social life with other parents.

But schools are for the children rather than th parents. The kids will probably be fine.

seeker · 10/10/2008 19:21

My ds goes to a school which has part of its catchment in one of the most deprived areas in the country, and part in a very working class part of town - and we are quite posh. I find I have to be a bit careful not to get people's backs up - I do sound a bit like Princess Anne. But once the other parents got to know me they seem to quite like me! Oh, and my children learnt VERY quickly indeed to speak completely differently at home than at school. It's nothing to do with money, by the way, lots of the other parents are much better off than we are.

nooka · 10/10/2008 20:54

Seeker that's fine if you can. My middle sister has a good ear for languages and always did fine at school (she is also very good at sports, which helped). She picks up new accents very fast. I don't, and never managed to de-posh as a child. Not nice when every time you open your mouth you get "fwah fwah fwah" (especially if it's from children who a year or two before were good friends). We have just moved to the States. dd sounds very "New Yoik". ds sounds even more "Sarf London". Luckily that's not a problem, but it is unfair to assume that your children will be fine. I'm really glad that your children are enjoying school, but it doesn't always happen. I really think that children should have the choice to stand out if they want to, not for things that are outside of their control.

Quattrocento · 10/10/2008 20:57

I've always deliberately avoided schools which were predominantly one type of person - eg Catholic, Muslim, Jewish. CofE, WASP or whatever. Principally because I wanted the DCs to have a good diverse mix.

Anna8888 · 10/10/2008 21:01

Yes, I think it does matter - because I think it may well affect your child's ability to make and maintain friendships.

I send my daughter to a school with a huge mix of nationalities/cultures/religions. It's as mixed as you could get. But if you were very conventional/religious you might not like it.

OrmIrian · 10/10/2008 21:02

I don't think it has to matter.

We don't have a much larger income than most of the families in our school, although I am probably one of the few mothers that has a 'career' rather than just a job. But I am quite well-spoken and for want of a better word 'posh'. I think that if you are approachable and pleasant, and free of pretensions and snobbery, you will be fine. And if your children are the same they will find plenty of friends. My children don't stand out, or not in any way that makes life difficult for them.

seeker · 10/10/2008 21:04

Puzzled, nooka. Are you saying that I should have send my children to a school where everyone talked as 'posh" as they do? You're not, are you?

nooka · 10/10/2008 22:35

No, I'm just saying that you shouldn't assume that your children will be able to moderate their accents (and therefore not stand out). I know that as a child I sounded very similar to my mother (people used to ring up and talk to me as if I were her, which could be very awkward). Now I am older I sound much less like her (15 odd years with dh have taken their toll ) but I am also aware that she does sound very patrician. If that's really what I sounded like I am not surprised I stood out.

I would have been much happier at a school which had more diversity, not neccesarily lots more "posh" kids, just more of a mix, so that being different wouldn't have been such an issue.

nooka · 10/10/2008 22:42

But if your children are happy and have friends then it's obviously not a problem for them

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