what do you consider more important, a tutor to help with literacy and numeracy? or football coaching?

[stitch]

i was rather shocked when the father of a child in ds's school canceled his son's tutor because he was placed in the bottom set, so thought the tutor wasnt worth it, and because'i cant afford it'. the mom is now getting her mother to pay for it as she feels the child really needs the extra help. however the dad is still paying for three separate lots of football coaching, rugby, and golf lessons, as well as gym membership for all the family.
this man's attitude is always very negative and selfish about a great many things, but i just felt really bad about this. what would your priorities be?

I wouldn't feel a tutor was vital just because my son was in the bottom sets. If everyone followed that thinking then the bottom sets could be mainly made up of children whose parents couldn't afford extra tutoring which seems a bit skewed to me.

If I felt my son wasn't making progress or I was unhappy with the teaching at the school then yes, I'd consider a tutor. Also if my son was nearing the 11+ time.

In the situation you describe, it depends on the age of the boy, how good the teaching is at school and how good the tutor was. Perhaps the tutor was fine, but the father feels his son should not be pushed more academically?

Perhaps the father felt it was better to concentrate for now on the things his son is good at like football etc?

I can't say the attitude is negative or selfish, as I don't know the full story.

I don't think a tutor should be anyone's 'priority' - it's a luxury. I also don't see anything wrong with paying for football coaching etc instead of a tutor. However to give up a tutor for the reasons you have explained is a bit

It would depend on the child. Maybe the father is right and they are flogging a dead horse wrt the tutoring. You can't make him cleverer by throwing money at what may be an incompetent tutor and I suspect the child enjoys the sports more. When he says he 'can't afford it' he may mean 'its not good value', which it isn't if the child is not gaining anything from it. People who are into sports and are good at them get an immense amount of pleasure from them for their whole lives which may be more beneficial in the long run in terms of happiness. Personally I wouldn't pay for a tutor if it wasn't helping the child's performance, I do pay for football coaching for my sportingly challenged ds as although he doesn't love it, he enjoys it a bit and it has improved his confidence as he feels he can join in with the other boys which he wouldn't do before. He is not the worst player now but before his coaching he stood out like a sore thumb. If he was still the worst player and he didn't enjoy it, I would stop the coaching.

Being in the bottom set is not necessarily a problem that needs to be fixed. Some people are not as academic as others and academia is not the priority of every parent.

this man's attitude is very selfish in lots of ways, for example, never givning enough housekeeping money to the mom, yet demanding expensive dinners.
i dont think there is a problem with being in the bottom set either, the teaching is excellent there. but he was paying for the tutor specifically to get the child into the top set, and through a huge fuss at the school last year, and becaus e of his fuss, the school didnt do the setting this year until they had done another test of the whole year, so they would have solid facts to back up their decision when he came along to make a fuss.
i just think he has his priorities skewed up. yes, the football etc is lovely, and the kid is good in footie, but surely there is something else he can cut down on, other than his kids literacy and numeracy provision, to make his monthly budget work?

but i would like to know, all thing s being equal, would you choose sprots activitites over academic activites when it comes to the financial crunch

ladyconstance, the mother feels the tutoring is benefiting him. which is why thegrandmother is continueing to pay for it.

Unfortunately it sounds as if he just wanted instant results and when he didn't get them fired the tutor!

how old is the boy? Is he very young? IME some children develop academic skills naturally more slowly than others. Girls are often ahead of boys in reading and writing to begin with. My ds1 was in middle to bottom sets when he first started primary school and it all the top sets by the time he left. He only had tutoring for the six months leading up to his 11+.

No easy answer to your question about paying for tutoring as a priority over unacademic extra curricular stuff. Depends on the age of the child and what else is happening in their lives. Also if a child shows a particular talent for music, sports or something else it could be unfair to make them drop this in favour of tutoring.

However we will soon be paying for some tutoring for my ds2 who is now in year 5. This will (at the moment) take priority over non academic stuff for the next year. However I will do my utmost to get him involved in sports/fun stuff as well.

stitch - agree with you. I would put tutoring above football coaching any day. Obviously both parents could say that the other one could teach (themselves) what is being coached (rather then paying for it)but if it came down to it - academic all the way. It doesn;t sound like I'm in the majority though! We've been down the tutor route and I was unsure of the results for the first 6 months - in the end though he had a tutor for almost 2 yrs and they made a massive difference in all aspects of ds life - academically but also socially as he felt he could cope with school and stand next to his peers as opposed to feeling inferior(which had previously led to problems making friends) Worth every expensive penny!

I would be more concerned about the home environment here rather than tutor/ no tutor. The relationship btwn mother and father doesn't sound normal imo.

I have a son who was until recently in bottom set and I would put football coaching first any day, despite being a completely bookish academic myself, with no interest in sports.

The reason being that my son needs to develop his confidence first. Also that I feel his slow developing of reading and writing is due to him not being ready; pushing him would only stress him out.

If the boy in the OP is in secondary school, then I'd feel differently about it.

I would have to know a lot more about the situation to comment, it is impossible to say from the information given.

I agree with Ladyconstance actually. I think as parents we need to recognise that it is ok not to be academic; the world needs all sorts of people. Sounds like the father's initial idea was to try to turn his son into something he was not; now he's realised it's not working.

btw my son is in Yr 4.

Well, somebody's got to be in the bottom sets. Not everyone is good at everything. If he enjoys football or whatever, and particularly if he's good at it, that'll give him confidence and pleasure.

Short bursts of tutoring aiming for something specific like GCSE or 11+ entry are a bit different (says she, whose son is doing 11+ tutoring); that's about making sure the child's familiar with everything they need to know and also with the format of the exam.

I'm afraid if there was a choice between tutoring for a child who was struggling and football coaching, the tutoring would definitely be the one I'd pay for.

As a maths tutor of primary school children I feel that getting a child to understand the core subjects of english and maths is essential. A good tutor will boost that child's confidence by having the time to explain and deal with questions that the child may not feel able to raise at school. Some children feel intimidated by their peers and won't put up their hand to say they don't understand. Being in bottom set is not the end of the world but not progressing in a subject is serious, so depending on the reason for the tutor they should still continue with that if they can afford to. If the child is truly not academic but shines on the football field then that too will boost his confidence but whatever he chooses to do in his life, he will always need basic maths and english!

But in primary school, surely you can help your child with reading and numeracy at home when he's doing his homework- assuming you are able to read and do basic maths, as a lot of us are. I felt this was a better route to go down, as it helped ds without putting the pressure of a tutor on.

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Even if the boy was sucessfully coached into the top set he would struggle to keep up with the pace.

I am paying for my son to be tutored in a group and paying £22 for an hour and 20 minutes. I am doing it as I feel my son needs help with his hand writing. It certainly won't be for ever.

I am paying a for tutor because a tutor can get my son to practice his letters without arguement. It is a lot less emotionally heated. My son adores his tutor, but I can see if there was a personality class it would be a waste of money.

Football coaching is very cheap in comparison. In our area you can football coaching through the school for £22 a term! As far as the gym goes family membership maybe that family's luxury.

I would chose which I thought would best aid my child for HIS needs.
If tutoring would help him feel more confident it might be that. If sports coaching was an area where he was developing self esteem and confidence then it might be that.
It would depend on the child
And I think I would choose that based on my knowledge of them - not because academic is considered worthy whilst sport is considered fun.

In pre teen children confidence can sometimes be everything.
Actually for teenagers too sometimes.

In our family I would (and do) pay for football coaching because DP and I are good at literacy and numeracy and useless at football.

But in general I'd pay for whatever made the child happier. The one they enjoyed and wanted to do.

We pay for DS extra help in school four times aweek because of DS having dyslexia

But its Football that he loves and does twice a week and thrives at

At the moment its his footie that is giving him his confidence .

It really would depend on the child.

If their passion lies in sport and football, I'd rather pay for extra tuition in that tbh.

Academic ability id not the be-all and end-all of life.

It does sound like the dad is putting unfair pressure on the boy though, by getting a tutor in order to move him up a set. Some children are in a particular set because that is the level they function at, and no amount of tutoring is going to change their abilities.

There's more to this situation than the simple choice, imo.

Over the years, we've spent a lot of money on sports for our three, but we've never considered tutoring at any point.