Advice needed please

[Worried70]

What happens if a child damaged something at school?

Something happened today whereby by son pulled down one of the curtains in the dinner hall (curtain very very high up). The school are now asking that I pay for it, but as a single parent, this is something I may not be able to afford.

What do I do, how can I approach this, can they sue me?

I'm soo worried and embarrassed by what my child did.

Name changed for this!

he doesn't have any expensive toys and believe he WILL learn the consequences of his action. It will NEVER happan again, I can guarantee that.
I'm just soo embarrassed by what he did and worried about the payment

He's lost his TV time and that's for starters (he only gets to watch TV at the weekend)

Oh you poor thing. You sound really distraught. HOnestly, the whole point of 'in loco parentis' is that you cannot possibly be responsible when you are not there. As someone else said, it's not like you've been teaching him to do it. Don't take your fear, anxiety, embarassment and humiliation out on your son. As the parent of a child with special needs, to my shame I know how easy it is to redirect your fury inappropriately. I doubt very much at seven he had any idea of the real consequences of his actions anyway. For sure he had no idea that "the curtains are specially made and they don't have the correct ladder to use to put it back up again"
YOu don't even know what happened.
You do need to be assertive here. Say, you have no idea what really happened, but whatever happened, the school was in loco parentis and you are quite dismayed that he wasn't better supervised. You have told your son that touching the curtains is unacceptable and you feel sure he won't do it again. However, you will not be paying the cost of replacing them as a/you were not there and b/you can't afford it. You do NOT expect that your son bears any consequence from this, your decision.
If they start talking about exclusion (which would be obscenely ott) then you need to get even tougher. He is only seven!

Thanks so much for your support MsDemeanor, it really means a lot. Thankfully, my brother will be going with me to the meeting as I'm hopeless in situations like that.

As a lone parent, everything falls on you, and that's the hardest part.

Thanks for all your advice.

You sound a great mother Worried. HOnestly, our kids are their own selves and it makes no sense to beat ourselves up for every single bit of naughtiness/carelessness.
I think it is very wrong of your child's school to make you this sad and scared. You are clearly committed to helping him and them, and to be honest, I think the school is failing here, not you. Good luck.

From the outside it seems that they are blowing this out of all proportion - why is there a meeting at all? He is 7 - he made an error of judgement - but from this thread seems that is it....as a single parent you clearly care so much and have great values - don't let this derail your family.

What did he actually do?

I think this is terrible for the school to act like this.

Your son is only 7 years old and had pulled a curtain down. I would be looking to ask the headmistress why he was left unsupervised? I would also be querying how a 7 year old can summon up so much strength as to be able to yank a curtain down - I am getting at time v unsupervision here. In fact why dont you go and look at the matching curtain and note how strong or weak it is when you give it a yank?(IMO it sounds like the curtain was dodgy from the start anyway.)

Don't let this stress you anymore and don't penalise your son too much. I can't believe the headmistress has allowed you and your son to go home on a Friday with this clouding your weekend.

I agree with MsDemeanor and the others who think this is outrageous of the school; I can't beloieve they could make you pay it, and I think they're playing on the fact that you're behaving so well about it, apologising for his behaviour etc. You sound like the model parent, and the head is weilding a power that she absolutely shouldn't. It seems very unfair.
I would certainly stand your ground. It's ludicrous to ask parents to pay for something like this.

Hi, thanks so much for your kind messages, I really didn't sleep very well about this, but had a good think about it all.

The incident happened at the dinner hall whillst they were queuing up for their dinner. My ds said he pulled on the cord of the curtain and everything came down on him, although he wasn't hurt.

He also said the head told him that the curtain "could have been loose from someone else pulling it". It seems to me the curtain was on its last legs away and was a health and safety risk.
However, they were all warned not to touch or pull the curtain and he should have known better.

Don't get me wrong I'm not excusing his behaviour - believe me he has been punished and has lost all of his screen time for the weekend, no treats and he did his time facing the wall. I am not that type of parent that molly cuddles my child when he's done wrong.
I've told him before, if I ever get called into his school for something he has done, it will be hell at home for him.

Nice of you all to say I'm a good parent, sometimes I don't think so, its really really hard raising a man-child on your own.

My aim is to go to the meeting on Monday (which is to assess how much they want me to pay) and apologise profusely to them and ask a lot of questions about the incident.....

Thanks people, really appreciate it!

Hi Worried, well, it seems to me that the school is blaming your ds for their mistake. The curtain shouldn't have been up in the first place if it was dodgy, and it was up to them to make sure it was cordoned off or something as a matter of safety, if they hadn't got round to fixing it. These are young children.

Sounds like they're scapegoating your son a bit.

Tell them you will support whatever punishment they dish out to him, but you cannot afford to pay. Full stop.

As others have said- you weren't there therefore you can't be responsible. I am forever telling my 6 year old boy to unwind himself from our curtains -it's not crime of the century- in your son's case it had an unfortunate consequence, but curtains in a primary school should be able to wtihstand a 7 year old pulling on them. If they can't it sounds as if they were on their way out and you shouldn't have to fund the school's upkeep.

agree with jimjams- them asking you to pay is the wrong way to deal with it. You giving them support about how to deal with yourds's so called crime should be enough.
imo - they are equally to blame, and probably realise this, but are diffusing the issue by laying the blame on your ds and you.

It's the schools fault. If he has improved his behaviour so much that he is being awarded certificates then it doesn't appear to be possible that it could have been deliberate. Plus the teacher saying it could have been loose already means they knew there was a problem. If the curtain dropped on your son then the school should be the ones apologising not you.
Don't be bullied into paying for something which isnt needed to be paid by you. The school should have been supervising your son properly.
Maybe an inspection is due into their pastoral care.
Good luck

I agree 100% with JimJams.

He shouldn't have touched it having been told not to - but they certainly shouldn't be so flimsy.

Poor you - all v distressing, and the threat of a big bill is frightening. Speak clearly to the school along JimJams line - I run a building used by young people, and if a parent came to me with any whiff of a H&S problem - like unstable curtains - I certainly wouldn't be pursuing them for payment!! But I would als be pissed off if they came shouting the odds in a defensive / aggressive response.

But you sound like the last person to do that!

And be prepared for the story to be a bit more complicated than ds says - children are not necessarily the best witnesses! How do you know that the school want you to pay?

Thanks Blu, no I would definately not do that - that's not my style. However, I was thinking of offering to increase my voluntary contributions just as a token gesture. This is reasonable isn't it? I really don't want to antagonise them, it really is a very good school and my ds has been very happy there.

Seeker I spoke to the deputy head on the phone.

If the school said straight away that they could have been loose already, noway should you pay for them!

If the curtains had come down on your son's head the school would be looking at a whole different situation. Would they be asking you to pay then?

What has happened with regard to the meeting?

Hi,

We had the meeting which was very pleasant -my brother was also there.

Prior to the meeting the head took us to the window, so we can see the damage ourselves. The curtains are actually very high up, but there is a rope with a slightly heavy handle that they use to open/close them - this is probably down to my waist.

Anyway, at the meeting, I started by apologising for what ds did, and explained what punishment he got at home. They were quite happy that I supported them.

The head then went on about how this would cost them to get it repaired. My brother then ask about their insurance details and how come they can't claim it on their insurance.

They explained that they are reluctant to claim it on the insurance for fear of their insurance premiums going up.

My brother then said to them that he was surprised to see that the robes were within reach of the kids and he would have expected them to be about 1.5m high etc - he actually demonstrated how he would have liked to see them (he's a construction Manager and previously a secondary school teacher).
He also asked, how do the curtains get cleaned, if they don't have a suitable ladder to use, they said, the curtains have NEVER been cleaned in 5 years.

Oh by the way, the damaged curtain and rail were in the meeting with us!

My brother went over to the curtain (pointing at all the hinges etc) and said to them that he was surprised that everything from the curtain rail came off the wall.
They accepted that the curtain rail must have been loose from other children pulling at it. Then I said, "so it was on its last legs"

So in the end, they accepted that the curtains were an H&S risk and would probably have to check them all - the head's final words were "its lesson learned all round".

I'm very pleased with the outcome, but I will be increasing my voluntary contributions even though I didn't say at the meeting.

Thanks all for your concern and advice, I think I need to pamper my ds after all the punishments. He knows he was wrong to do what he did, he actually wet the bed which he hasn't done in a long time, So I think it was lesson learned all round.

Best

Glad it worked out well and is all over - hope your son moves on happily now - good luck