Private school?

[KPSnacks]

DD is 5 and has recently started at our local (state) primary school. She knows a couple of girls in her class but I wouldn't say they were friends per se. She's not particularly excited about seeing them in the playground each morning. I earn well (maybe not by MN standards, but just under £100k). DH is an average earner.

No one in my family, nor my husband's family, went to private school. I always thought that it was elitist and wrong, and that children should mix with other children from all walks of life.

DD's school has a mix of kids, including those with parents from lower socioeconomic backgrounds. Picture some parents vaping in the playground, wearing PJs to drop the kids off, and parents who don't work. That's no reflection on the kids, who I'm sure are nice enough.

The school itself is scruffy, but obviously there's no money to improve it. One of my friends said DD won't notice that stuff.

I always thought that the school just has to teach DD how to read and write. But I've found myself wondering if we should try to stretch to private school. In my job (finance) I'm surrounded by people whose kids are in private school and the opportunities sound amazing. I guess I'm worried that DD will be influenced by some of the other kids and will eventually start thinking that learning isn't interesting or cool. I don't want her to be disadvantaged. She's quite shy and I think she would thrive with smaller class sizes. At the same time, part of me still disagrees with private school and I'm not even sure we could afford it - isn't having money to save for her future and nice holidays etc better?

I know I'm a hypocrite but she's my first born and I genuinely just want the best for her.

If you cannot teach your DC reading and maths at primary level and, moreover, think it's arrogance, then you have a real problem.

Thanks, all. I really appreciate the different perspectives.

To be clear, I'm absolutely not saying that my DD shouldn't mix with the kids at state school, or that they're badly behaved because of their parents or that my DD is somehow better than them. It's hard to put my finger on really. Parents night was last week and I just felt so disappointed at how run down everything is. She gets homework which is basically a couple of pages printed from a website and scrunched up in her bag. Her teacher seems nice enough but not exactly inspiring. I don't know, DD isn't enthusiastic about going each morning and to be honest I don't blame her. But I'm trying to be encouraging.

We're in Scotland so no grammar schools etc, it's just the catchment primary school or private. Fees would be around £1400 a month, which we could do, but we wouldn't be able to save as much and god knows how we'd stretch to it for DC2.

I just really don't know what to do for the best.

im not in a grammar area, so the dynamic is probably a bit different, but I actually see the least value in sixth form. If you are looking at a-levels you are automatically in the top half in terms of academic achievement and mostly won’t have to deal with disruptive elements. I suspect that for an engaged, academically able child in a stable and supportive home results wouldn’t vary all that much between my local private vs state options. Private will have better facilities, more extracurricular and more 1:1 support, but core education will be pretty similar. at gcse level there is more of a gap, and at this age pastoral is so important, but if mine were in top sets I would be less concerned about my local state options.

late primary / early secondary I see a massive difference between my state and private options. Our private school offer subject specialists, have a much broader curriculum with far more hands on opportunities to engage a child that might not be naturally‘academic’. Pastoral and SEND support much more accessible. Just generally more opportunities for children to figure out what they enjoy, what they are good at, and what support they need to thrive.

if you have a child that struggles academically, then yes private secondary makes a massive difference but I guess I am trying to set dc up for success and think an early investment more likely to pay dividends. Dividends being a learning mindset, strong sense of self, and the right combination of confidence and resilience to see them through challenges. Not saying you can’t achieve that via state, but the private we have chosen gives such a boost.

To be honest, you might be able to afford prep but you are going to struggle with two in secondary. Save your money for that because it is a whole different level of fees.

This is why middle class people who can't quite afford private, instead use the budget they do have to move house to a "naice" area where the riff raff can't afford to buy a house. The schools in those areas are all full of children whose parents are well off (and probably work in finance). I know because I live somewhere like this.

Realistically OP, private school from yr 7 onwards, for two, will cost you at least £50k p.a. plus uniforms and trips, so you're looking at £350k+ in today's money for the two. Primary school all the way through, for two would cost another £200k+

It would be better to support your dd in her current school. Buy her reading books, support her with reading practice at home, choose a couple of extra-curricular activities (dance, karate, horse riding, swimming?), do a project each long holiday (nature or history or art etc). You can enrich her learning and offer her a wider range of friends quite easily at primary age.

See how she gets on.

My worry with private school is always that it ties you into your (relatively) high earning career. In ten years time, the job market and economy will change, you or DH might be in poor health, your parents might need more care and your DC will be teenagers, which in my experience is often when they need their parents the most. In an ideal world everyone will have perfect mental and physical health and your job will continue to be enriching and fulfilling, but what happens if you get a terrible boss, your DC have a mental breakdown or your mum gets cancer?
I think one of the biggest gifts we can give our DC is flexibility and I'd hate to be in a position where one DC needed a parent to be at home with them and the other needed both parents to be earning enough money to pay their school fees.

I’m don’t know what area you live in however there may be more options open to you than you realise.

My DS attends a single form entry village school. We don’t live in catchment, in fact only 4 children in his class do. The remaining 20 typically live 10/15 minutes drive away.

Over time the school has become what I would consider as at least equal to the local prep schools primarily because the majority of parents have chosen the school in favour of local default catchment options meaning they are very much engaged with their DCs education.

Of the year 6 group who left in the summer, over half went to selective private schools with the remainder going to the state secondary school that the village school is a feeder to. That school has the best results of any state school in the county and for many of the parents who can’t afford private secondary would be somewhere they also couldn’t afford if they had to live in catchment.

I spent ages researching school admissions data including multiple FOI requests to the local authority to help work out what the best option for my DS was. I was astounded how few parents do any of this and simply opt for their local catchment option.

The end result is DS is in year 1 of a state school that helps prepare pupils for selective private school entry (no grammar options locally), and failing that he will be able to attend to the best performing state secondary in the area. His catchment options aren’t even a consideration. He’ll never need to go to any of them.

Don’t underestimate how passive many parents are when it comes to education. There maybe a route to a better educational future for your DC than you realise.

We educated our DC privately, albeit some time ago now. DGC are now in private primary.

I think it's definitely worth it and I wouldn't allow moral qualms or feeling hypocritical stand in your way.

I would say that it only gets more expensive, each 'stage' of schooling will cost more than the last, and fees have increased above inflation for a long time. So those extra costs will compound as you approach them. Oh, and virtually everything outside the standard school day is extra. It is worth doing an analysis about whether it is cheaper to move house etc. to enable you to use better state provision.

Anecdotally, although I think the atmosphere is much more pro-learning at private school and it is easier to expel disruptive pupils, I wouldn't say private school pupils are perfect. You're unlikely to see parents in pyjamas, but you'd be naive to assume there won't be any bullying, poor behaviour or kids who don't like school in attendance.

@Labraradabrador I did say my DD2 went to a prep at 8 and she went to one with subject specialists and fantastic facilities that she really liked such as art and dance. They had many DC getting scholarships to top senior schools but DD wasn’t likely to be one of them.

Other preps here sell the 11 plus element and many parents who don’t get into the grammars, have to take the local secondary schools as there is a very limited choice of private day schools and they are selective too. This leaves many parents struggling to find a school that they like but they take a big risk by thinking the prep will turn dc into academic dc. It’s just not possible.

At the prep my dd went to, most go into boarding schools. They almost never come out and try for a grammar 6th form. The parents don’t need that and these dc have accessed Wycombe Abbey and similar schools. That’s why destination schools really matter and money for secondary matters. I can honestly say there’s a big difference between a top private school and any state school, even most state grammars. It’s not just about results either. It’s about far much more than that. From what I see, it’s about who you are. People who struggle with prep fees are never going to afford a high class senior private school these days.