soggy accidents at school

[Katherine]

DS started school last week and today for the second Friday in a row the head called me aside to explain that DS had an accident. Last week it was at lunch time. He was meant to have gone before going in for dinner but 5 minutes after sitting down he wee'd without warning. I didn't make a fuss and just put it down to tiredness at the end of the first week. But today it happened again - this time in afternoon assemby, without warning and all over the children sitting nearby. The head did not seem at all impressed. I personnaly felt reprimanded.

I felt embarrassed for me but also for DS. Several children commented that he was wearing his shorts (sympathetically) and when one of the older boys said goodbye and DS didn't answer he kindly said "Don't worry, its because of what happened". So I get the feeling it was publically humiliating, whether because of where it happened or because of the fuss that was made I don't know. DS isn't talking about it.

Now he never has accidents at home and never ever had any at nursery. I am sure it is linked to fatigue on a Friday afternoon but I'm not sure how to handle it. I've told DS he needs to make sure he goes at break or to tell someone but he's so shy that I think he's scared to speak out. He is loving school and I don't want him getting upset about this or for it to become an issue.

Do I just cross my fingers it won't happen again or is there something more positive I can do? The head didn't seem very understanding but everyone else was really nice about it but if it happens again I think I will crawl into a hole!

How about talking to his teacher or classroom assistant, or making contact with a sympathetic dinnerlady? I've no experience of this myself but as the parent of a preschool ds I do know that it is REALLY common for reception class children, especially boys, to have a bit of a wee relapse on starting big school. Quite often the toilets are less familiar/bigger and let's be honest, smellier, than nursery or home, as well. So I think it is insensitive of the head to imply that it is odd or wrong, it cannot be the first time he/she has encountered this.
I am sure he will settle down in a couple of weeks, I do hope so.

So sorry to read your message Katherine, for your son. As for the head forget him/her they probably are feeling tired and should behave better at their age! As for your DS does he seem upset? I only ask as I have seen it happen to so many children and your child may not be alone and it could well be linked to Friday tiredness as you think. Anyway, maybe you could make a game/more of a routine out of using the toilet regularly starting at the weekend. Sometimes they are tired or busy and just forget and from what I have seen he wont be the only one and it's mums who feel it more. Maybe that will be an end to it but also sometimes they put their hand up to go for what seems like an absolute age and don't get the attention so how about telling him it's okay to put his hand up and if he still doesn't get attention to keep his hand up and stand up saying "I need help" or something. Also what's your ds' teacher like could you speak to them about it? Sorry but hope some of this is of some help or gets you thinking of some way around it or hopefully that's the end of the "problem" now.

Thanks both of you. DS's teacher IS the head (its a small school) and she has a reputation for being a bit hard so I'm not that worried about her. I just really felt for DS today as the whole school knew about it. Accidents at home are VERY rare so I really don;t think there is a problem here that we need to dwell on as if he's got a toilet problem. He's even wiping his own bum at home now so I feel really positive on the whole.

It just seems to be Friday afternoons at school. I have spoken to DS about it and he's OK but obviously exbarrassed and doens't want to talk much. I plan to have a word with the head on Monday and suggest she be aware that there is more likely to be a problem on Fridays and to remind him to go before he goes in the hall etc or to watch out for the tell-tale fidgeting.

I really don't think I can do very much more - obviously he just needs a bit more watching when he's tired and I'm not there to do that. I'm hoping the other "nicer" teachers have sussed that out anyway. We'll just have to see what happens next week (fingers crossed!)

Katherine, I really feel for your DS. I wet myself a couple of times when I first started school (maybe I should've changed my name for this one ). Basically although I loved school, I was a bit scared of the teacher. I heard her telling children who asked at times that it was only 5 mins till break time and they could go then. The thing is at 4 1/2 as I was at the time I couldn't tell you when break time was or what time was on the clock so I was terrified to ask her in case I wasn't allowed to go and did wet myself twice or three times. I would hope in this day and age teachers are more sympathetic towards children but perhaps it is something as basic as this. Hope it doesn't happen again. (To your DS that is, I hope I am past wetting myself ).

Surely, if it only a small school they would have time to toilet all the children before they go into assembly - our school manages to do this (with military precision I might add!!) with approx 70 children in the reception classes. I feel that I would raise this with this teacher and ask her to ensure that he goes before going into the playground and definitely before he goes into assembly, he is new for heaven's sake, if he is a bit shy then he would not dare to ask to leave the assembly hall and he maybe was not confident enough to go to the loo during a lunchtime when there are probably lots of other, larger & louder children in there too. In the meantime, could you leave him with a spare set of clothes in case it happens again?

I do feel for your ds, Katherine. When mine started last year, he kept saying that there was no paper in the toilet at school so he didn't like going. When I eventually went in and investigated closely I discovered that there were two boys toilets - one a cubicle but an open one with a stand-up urinal, the other a 'proper' toilet, complete with door, paper, the works. Ds was genuinely amazed - he'd clearly forgotten whatever he'd been shown on day one and never thought to push open the door next to what he thought was the only toilet. He was much happier after that!
There are so many little rules and routines when you start school that the new little ones just can't keep up, and so many get upset about going to the loo. And by Friday half of reception are usually falling asleep in storytime so tiredness must be a big factor. I'd agree with the suggestion of talking to a classroom assistant or dinnerlady - they tend to be more focussed on the general welfare of the kids and might have time to remind him separately (and quietly!) to go. Also, yes, a second set of clothes in the bag so the incident can be forgotten quickly. Good luck to him (and you!)

I really feel for you. My DS will be just 4 when he starts school full time and I'm already panicking about this issue and he's only 2.5 and still in nappies. But your DS is not the first to have an couple of accidents and certaily won't be the last. On a lighter note worse happended at our local school a little boy did the 'other' under a picnic table!! Are we to be provided with poopy scoops and fined!! I don't think the head handled you situ very well. X

Katherine - has he been reassured that he can ask to go to the toilet at any time? Children of that age should not be restricted to intervals for going to the toilet. My mum, who was a teacher, says that children must not be prevented from going to the toilet whenever they ask. Perhaps he hasn't needed to go earlier then has tried to hold on because he thinks he isn't allowed to go.

Ds1 started school in September and had a few accidents at first. I put it down to tiredness, being unsure of the teacher and having to go to the loo on his own (a helper always took them at playgroup.)

I'm amazed that the head is making a fuss though. Having been a reception teacher, I can tell we kept a pile of spare pants and trousers in the classroom, and had to change children on a regular basis. I'd be very surprised if your ds is the only one to have had an accident.

As my ds has got used to school and the new routines his confidence has grown and we have had no more accidents. The only thing you can do is to try and remind him to go at lunchtime, and maybe role-play what he needs to say when he wants to go, with you pretending to be the teacher or dinnerlady. But I wouldn't make a big deal of it. It's perfectly normal.

DH and I chatted about this and both agreed that neither of us would EVER have put up our hands in assemby and asked to go to the toilet. I'm going to have a word with teacher tomorrow. Hopefully a little friday vigilence on their part just till he gets the hang of things will improve things. I'm also going to send in spare uniform just in case so he doesn't end up wearing different problems. He's had no other problems so far so hopefully this will solve things. Thanks for all your feedback though. Its very reassuring. Update on Friday!

And nor would I Katherine!

Poor thing!! Nearly ALL children have an accident at school at sometime - especially in reception. I'd just reiterate that a spare set of clothes is a good idea and perhaps a carrier bag to put the wet ones in?
It did strike me that being called in by the head seems just a mite heavy handed? Even if he should have gone 5 minutes before, it was still his first week in school! Thw woman is a witch!!

Oh Katherine, Lots of good advice here. I do feel for your ds too, and the head does sound unsympathetic, how unkind of her. I hope it goes better this week and he manages ok. Poor chick!

Lara2 - you are right - she is indeed a witch. I tried to approach her yesterday. Offered to send in clean clothes on fridays but suggested that perhaps a member of staff just check that he has been before he goes into the hall on Friday afternoon. Stressed that he had never ever had an accident at nursery and I'm sure it is tiredness that is behind the problem (too tired to even eat his breakfast this morning!).

Her response "Well they are meant to go at playtime". Oh well if she wants to keep mopping. Hopefully DS will adjust soon anyway and hopefully the other teachers are kinder and will be more "motherly".

Have spent every day this week bitching with the other mums at the school gates about Mrs X! One little girl burst into tears doing her homework in case she got it wrong and Mrs X shouted at her. Think her mum is now questioning her choice of school which is such a shame as otherwise it is a wonderful school and DS obviously loves it

I cannot believe her - she sounds like a dragon, is she really trying to frighten them or what? Apart from his Friday toilet problem does he have any other problems with her? Is he still happily going to school etc.
Well Friday school day is nearly over - let's hope he is ok today!!!

Yipeeeee! DS come out wearing his own trousers today - I was so proud of him. NO MORE ACCIDENTS.

He seems to love school and has no other problems. I asked if the teacher ever shouted at him and he said "Only at the naughy children". He seems fine with her. Maybe its just me thats the scaredy one! I think there may be a bit of a personality class with the other little girl and her mum which is a shame, but touch wood my little chap is fine.

Katherine - really pleased for both you and him - I think we all can build up an image of what your kids first teacher will be like - it is often our own reception teachers we imagine - they all seemed to be lovely, older, grandmother type people. When they turn out to be the complete opposite - we struggle to deal with it. My dd had a young, pretty, tall, leggy blonde - thinking about it - no wonder dh was always happy to take her to school.