Am I being unreasonable?

[flustered]

I have volunteered to help on a School trip in reception class. I found out from another parent today that I will not be allowed to be with my Daughter. I am going to find this very hard. Part of me wants to go to her teacher and say that if I can't have my own child with me then I am not helping. The other part keeps telling me not to rock the boat and when we actually get on the trip the teacher won't be able to stop her coming to me. None of the parents are particularly happy about the set up. I can understand it with older children but these are 5 year olds that have only been at full time school a few months. Why can't we have our own children with us?

But the OP did not say she wanted to be with her DD in case there was an emergency situation. She said, "I just want her with me so we are both happy and have a good day." But, as so many of us have pointed out, the two of them being happy together is not the main objective of the trip. The teachers need to endure the collective happiness and well-being of the whole group and, if they've gone so far as to state that helpers will not be placed with their own children, it will be because experience has told them that, for them, it doesn't work. Their trip, their responsibility, their call.

Just to add that on our nursery trips we do allow parents and their children to be together but it is usually these children who won't have their seatbelt on, sit down for lunch etc etc and then the others follow suit. It can make it harder work as what you allow your child to do as a parent is completely different to the rules we have to impose on trips for safety.

I suppose, Clam, I was projecting a bit there as I can imagine it might well spoil dd's day. Alas, I am clearly woefully inadequate in my pathetic and sufficating parenting as dd tends to be glued to me and I'm sure would be much more independent if I wasn't there at all. So I wouldn't want to help out if it would actually spoil her day and perhaps (speculating wildly) that is a bit how the OP feels. In any case, it's all new to me so I am just exploring.

Interesting that different schools have different policies - can't be that cut and dried then.

And I can't but be skeptical about the whole health and safety angle that relies on unchecked parents untested abilities. I suppose it only works because there's actually no danger involved in the first place which is why we all miraculously survived our own childhood schooltrips without helpers.

I think if you're not willing to go to help out the class you shouldn't go at all

a parent volunteer needs to give all the children equal attention and not just be on the look-out for their own

really I'd back out now because you don't sound like you could be fair in your treatment of all the children

You were asked for help, you said yes and now suddenly you are issuing conditions for your help. You come across as spoiled.

And what if the teacher does not agree to your demands, and you then don't go, are you then also going to forbid your daughter going?
Something is really not right here.

Ups, yes yabu.

And I'm sorry to say, but many teachers operate an unofficial boycott of certain parents when it comes to considering who to ask on a trip. There are many "tried and tested" mums who are valued and appreciated for their common sense, community spirit and willingness to do whatever is needed, but one or two who, frankly, are there for the wrong reasons, and would therefore be avoided in future. So, the OP might win a victory this time and be put with her DD, but I'd dearly love to know if she ever gets to go on another trip, even if there are few other mums available.

I think that there is a big difference between knowing that your child is on a trip and assuming that she will be okay - which often involves not thinking too hard about it, and actually being there and thinking "oh I hope my kid gets across the road safely" etc. In school children are generally safe as schools are pretty safe buildings. I have worked in schools. In the last one I worked in a child died on a school trip. It did not even make teh national papers as there was no question of anyone sueing, it was just an accident, but it happened (child fell out a window) becaseu school trips are far more dangerous than just being at school. Risk assessments or not, try serching on the internet under "deaths and school trips" loads come up, far more than "deaths at school".

So Clam - that's why I've been on every flipping trip for both DCs since reception

OP will most probably find that she is not asked on future trips.
You can't worry about what might happen on a school trip! Most accidents happen at home, I expect if you googled 'child death and home' it would be alarming in the same way that 'child death playing field' would be alarming! Unless you are going to constrain your DC to a padded room you have to take risks in life-a school trip is very low risk!

Absolutely agree with Abbey. We have had a fair few trips to A&E in our day (dd being particularly accident prone) and every single one of those accidents has happened under my immediate supervision. Seems my presence does not provide any sort of protection.

And I might add that none of the activities during which dd has injured herself have been particularly reckless ones: falling down the stairs (when aged 10 or older), falling off a climbing frame designed for her age group, tripping over her feet and knocking teeth out against the safety gate (!) when little, tripping over said feet and banging head against the wall, falling and banging head against patio. I am not a careless mother but you can't keep them in a padded cell.

Am beginning to wonder if she isn't really safer without me...

The vast majority of serious accidents to children happen in the home. The second biggest danger area is the family car. Public transport comes well down on the list as do school trips.

Not sure what you're suggesting then, catking. That all parents should accompany their DCs on all trips, because we are the only ones who will truly take proper care of them? Or that no DCs should go at all, in case someone falls out of a window? In order for normal life, with all its inherent risks, to go on, there has to be an element of trust (and the fact that no parent sued in that tragic window accident was presumably because they acknowledged the random nature of the circumstance). A school trip is the ideal place to start, because the staff are trained and well-versed in how to take good care of the kids outside the school walls. If you don't trust them to do that, then how can you bear to send your DCs in to class in the mornings?

X-posted with cory. Should perhaps have written: "all parents should accompany their DCs on all trips, because we are the only ones who will truly take proper care of them, except cory, of course."

Yeah, that's probably about right, Clam. But she's safely on the Isle of Wight now

what I am saying is that school trips are more danderous than school. Depending on how childproof you rhome is then they may be more dangerous than home. If your child just goes off on a trip and you stay at home then you can forget about it and not think about any extra dangers that your child may come across. This is one option. If you actually go on the trip then you cannot forget about the fact that your child is on the trip as it is staring you in the face all the time. this means that many parents will find that being on the trip makes them worry more than being at home unless they are with theri child. If they are with their child then they will not be worrying about theri child so they can concentrate on looking after teh whole group.

Lets face it, if people really were doing this just to "help", nothing to do with tehir child, then the school woudl be gettign parent helpers from different classes. Why not get Y2 parents to help with reception trips adn visa versa? They are askign you becaseu your child is going so they should take this into account.

After reading this I think that if I was a parent of a reception child I would most definitely want them in a group where the leader was not a parent of one of the group! I would feel that the parent was more concerned about their own DC and might easily be distracted. I would far rather have someone who was willing to help where ever needed. I must be a lax parent because it hasn't crossed my mind to worry about a school trip, I have just been pleased that they have had the opportunity.

I'm just surprised that you anyone would spend that amount of time obsessing worrying about their child. Surely we should be sending them off on their adventures in life with a cheery wave, and wonder now and again throughout the day how they're all getting on. Then greet them excitedly at the end and ask them all about it (although I acknowledge some will get a couple of non-committal grunts in reply). Obviously, there are some kids who need more thought than that, but those kids will have been catered for by the staff and helpers. What's the problem?

catkinq on Fri 27-Jun-08 17:21:52
'If your child just goes off on a trip and you stay at home then you can forget about it and not think about any extra dangers that your child may come across. This is one option. If you actually go on the trip then you cannot forget about the fact that your child is on the trip as it is staring you in the face all the time. this means that many parents will find that being on the trip makes them worry more than being at home unless they are with theri child. If they are with their child then they will not be worrying about theri child so they can concentrate on looking after teh whole group.'

Sounds strange to me. If I was so worried about my child that I couldn't relax if she was walking 5 metres ahead holding the hand of my neighbour, then I doubt I'd be able to relax if I wasn't on the trip at all.

And my point about detailing the nature of my dc's accidents is that there is no such thing as a childproof home. You can't stop a 2yo from falling onto the safety gate, a 4yo from tripping over her own feet and falling against the wall, or a 10yo from walking (and hence be at risk of falling) down the stairs. One of dd's school friends broke her leg from falling off the bottom step of their carpeted staircase. And the same girl had her leg broken when her little sister sat on it. Hard to childproof against that.

There is no point a Yr 2 parent going on a Reception school trip, they have their own class to invest their energies in.

Getting involved with the trip, in the school, is more than lending a hand. You are investing in your relationship with the people in the establishment where your DCs spend the best part of their day.

I enjoy the fact that my DCs like to have me there, but I suspect I take more care and notice of the other children in my group as I don't know what to expect in behaviour as I can predict with my own.

I do find this 'only care for me and mine' attitude a bit and a lot .

So foxy, you only want to help those directly influential in the daily life of your dc. That's hardly a selfless motivation, is it? How is that not basically about 'me and mine'? You're basically saying that for you, there would be no point helping the school if you were helping another class.

Is that how you read my post? Perhaps I didn't word it very well then.

That's not what I meant at all.

You said that it is not worth investing your energy in a class other than one your dc attends. What's to misunderstand?

OK, we all have limited resources, we have to focus them. We can bake for cake stalls, do an hour at the school fare, buy raffle tickets, but when it comes to spending an entire day we do have to be more selective.

Does that help?