Deciding not to do 11+

[strawberrykat]

My dd is year 5 and has been preparing for the 11+ this year. The grammars are super selective in our area but dd is bright and does as well in English and Maths as the others in her class who I know are doing the exam.

However recently she has become so stressed by it, not wanting to do the homework and already worrying about the exam, it is even affecting her sleep. I don’t care about her going to a grammar but I thought she would thrive there so encouraged her to continue. Now though I think it’s for the best to stop her tuition and to just forget about it and she will go to our local comp which is also very good and highly regarded. I am just worried she will regret it or it will set a precedent for giving up when she finds things stressful. What would you do in this situation?

Forcing it won’t help her if it’s causing her so much stress already, so maybe forget the formal tuition but see if she will do practice test papers regularly instead? It would take the pressure off, she would know what to expect, and if she has the aptitude then she will pass.

DH has worked in the grammar system for 30 years and he doesn’t agree with tuition but to absolutely try and do practice papers.

We also live an area with leading grammar schools and DD was all set to try and then changed her mind, ultimately I let my DD make the choice as she was the one who would have to go to the school. In the end she went to the local comp and then college - she got x2 A stars and an A at A-level. She went onto a top 3 Uni and graduated last with a good job. I am glad I didnt push her, she was motivated enough to work hard anyway.

Maybe put her in anyway as you’ve done so much work already - but take the pressure off, change the message and tell her she’s going to the comp which is great and the 11+ is just “good practice for future exams” or something like that.

I went to a grammar and whilst I did well, I don’t think it changed much for me. I’d have still got to where I wanted to be. I’m not going to push my son to try for a grammar, I’d rather he was happy and well rounded. Once in a grammar there is a lot of pressure and also subconscious pressure to keep up. I think I’d have been happier at the local comp in all honesty. I was pushed into university and I recall being completely burnt out by year 13 a levels so much that I nearly quit. I think it would have been different had I gone elsewhere. Do what feels right but ask your daughter too. go with your gut feeling.

Similar here. DC1 sat the 11+ and failed it. I knew at the time it was the wrong result. They went to the local comp, were very happy and came out of there with 4xAstar at A-Level and a place at Imperial College, where they got a 1st. They are now working full time.

Due to nearby grammar schools, there were not many super intelligent kids in their comp and consequently DC1 was a superstar at their school and got a lot of special treatment from the teachers. DC1 was offered a place at a super-selective grammar for the 6th form but turned it down because the A-level classes there had 30 in them. In the comprehensive, not many stayed on for 6th form and the classes were tiny - like a private school.

Thank you, all of these replies are useful, my instinct is to just give up the tutoring and preparation and not sit the exam. I think she would be hugely relieved if I did that. I only worry that she will regret it later or that it might show her that she can gove up whenever she feels anxious as she is an anxious person so I know that she will feel this a lot in the future.

The test is very different to the curriculum.

If your child is bright and used to getting things on the first try it can be very demoralising. They do need to get familiar with the types of questions.

My son struggled with the 3D Nets. They often frustrated him. And at times really discouraged him. He spent ages trying to master them but could never get there. Then they never even appeared on the tests he did. 😂

My point is to find out what is triggering her. It might even be one section. Or perhaps the tutor/platform. Or it could be something else like the idea of going to a school her friends aren’t going to?

Have the two of you visited the different schools? Which one felt right - results aren’t the best indicator of the school that’s best for your child.

sounds like you've already made the right call tbh, dragging a year 5 kid through something that's stressing her out this much isn't worth it long term. My dd went through something similar and stepping back from the formal tutoring helped a lot, she still does little bits here and there but no pressure on it. If she ever fancies dipping back in without the heavy tutoring, worth trying the Ace 11+ diagnostic (ace11plus.org/diagnostic), it shows you where the weak spots actually are rather than grinding through endless papers. But honestly local comps are great too, she'll be fine either way.

She can’t truly regret something she hasn’t experienced. She is more likely to remember mom put her first.

Your instincts are right.

In DS's primary school class, 7 of them went on to get first class degrees. Of those 7, 5 failed the 11 plus, which shows what a ridiculous test it is.

If your DD is anxious anyway, an all girls grammar school would, in my opinion, be the worst possible place for her. So many eating disorders and self harming, which of course the schools wouldn't tell you about. The school you have in mind might not be single sex of course, but there will still be a lot of pressure on students, primarily from themselves and each other.

Thanks, yes all the grammars here are single sex. We have taken the week off any preparation while we think about what to do and she already seems so much happier so it probably is the right decision to not enter her. I don’t know why it stresses her out so much, she isn’t like this about tests at schools. She has become so fixated on it and convinced she will fail and everyone will be angry with her. I have obviously told her this isn’t true.

Give her a proper long break of a few weeks and then see how she feels.
I did it 4x with all 4 DC. With DC4 who refused to do ANY prep all through year 5 we started in the summer holidays when he asked to, and he passed and for the most selective ones.
Your DD is probably just exhausted right now, it has been hot etc.
11 plus prep is extremely dull and tedious.

Also the reason I did the prep myself is that all the local tutors are completely nuts and do not let the kids take time off even during the holidays. None of that is actually required.

That’s true, most of her friends are doing it and seem to spend every weekend doing mock tests. Lots are booked into summer school in the holidays. I think it’s adding to the stress as her friends talk about it and compare. They also seem a lot more resilient and keen to go to these schools than her though.

We were just outside of the 11+ area but eldest wanted to do it, and did, passed and went to grammar school. However her sister just wasn't interested. Having seen both sides of the coin I think that if they want to do well they will wherever they are as long as the teaching is good. The eldest had a friend who was tutored for the 11+, struggled through nearly every subject and had to continue with support right through to A levels.