How do schools handle difficult behaviour when parenting seems part of it?

[JadziaD]

If you work in a school, what do you think/ do about families where you suspect that part of the problem is the parent, but it's not abuse?

I have been thinking about this recently because we have someone in our extended family where the child's behaviour is very challenging. The mum is aware of this, but tends to not believe it's not the child's fault. She's one of those mums who, for example, says things like, "My child would never lie to me" so while she does agree her son's behaviour is difficult at school, she also believes every excuse he comes up with! She also tends to give in to whatever it is he wants for an easy life, whereas that's not at option at school.

And I know that the school have called her in multiple times.

I'm aware of a few other children that seem to have similarly ineffective parents although concede I don't know the details like I do with this one.

But I'm wondering how school manages/copes? I mean, if there's abuse I imagine there's a very specific path for safeguarding etc. But if it's just ineffective or obstructive parenting, what, if anything, can they do? And are there learnings I can take for how we manage things and/or support this family?

There was a point a few years ago where DH and I did actually consider a report to Social Services but since this child's dad has left the picture, ironically, that's less of a concern. But obviously, both mum and DS are dealing with the resulting trauma and that probably is partly why she's such an ineffective parent. We've had to take a major step back for our own mental health and to protect our DC (there were quite a few issues with how this child behaved around them and even now, when we see them, we have to monitor interaction to a level that's not normal with tweens and teens because otherwise it can go bad), but angry though all this makes me, I also feel very bad for her and the child who are clearly struggling?

yeah.

On a slightly lighter note, standing at school gates waiting for DC one day, I couldn't help overhearing a parent who had cornered the head teacher to complain that they were not paying enough attention to ensuring her child ate all the food in his lunch box. At one point, she suggested that a teacher could sit with him and FEED him - that was the moment I very consciously removed myself as far away as possible as I was worried I'd do or say osmething inappropriate and I was terrified that as this parent was clearly NOT embarassed to be having this conversation where anyone could hear, that she might then turn to me afterwards and tell me how outraged she was at the school's behaviour. Her child was in year 2!

I think it’s easy to blame the parents.
I have two very well behaved children and one very challenging one.
If I only had my easy children I would probably think it was not hard to set expectations and bring your children up to be well behaved, good mannered, respectful and considerate as I have managed that with mine no problem at all.
But then I had my youngest and it has nearly broken us, I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be hit and punched and screamed at but my child is neurodivergent and no amount of good parenting will change that.
The parenting that worked for my older two just doesn’t work for my youngest and unfortunately unless you have a child with behavioural problems you will never understand.

I always thought I was a good mum but if I’d never had my first two I would have blamed myself and thought it was me.

I don’t think people should judge really because not only do we have to live with it but we also have to cope with people looking on in horror to see what we are going to do to stop this behaviour and stare while we can’t actually manage to stop our child’s meltdown.

I am sorry you are experiencing this. And I do completely agree that different children are harder to parent. I said that upthread in fact. Certainly, in my case, the effort required to parent DS is x100 the effort required (so far) to parent DD. So I 100% get this. And I also agree that the parenting tactics that work for child 1 might not work for child 2. And, still in agreement mode, I agree completely that even when you're trying really hard, it often still doesn't work or you make mistakes or your child's behaviour is still challenging in these situations.

Where I disagree is that the parents can't necessarily impact these behaviours - for both better and worse.

Yes, but the decent parents respond to the child that's hitting/kicking/screaming, whether to remove them, talk to them, give consequences....whatever they find works. I don't feel even remotely bad for blaming the type of parents who sit there laughing at their "spirited" child hitting/kicking/screaming.

But all misbehaviour is ‘SEND’ now.

It's tricky because some kids' behaviour is at least partly down to parents. Eg a 6 year old who regularly use the worst swear words. They only know these words because either they have family members who use them or because they are allowed to watch content that for adults. I hear parents at the school gate effing and blinding without any thought for the kids around them, or using swear words directly towards the kids. (Eg "get in the f*ing car"). The kids grow up thinking this is a normal way to express yourself, especially when angry. The same with violence. Although some kids are naturally inclined to violence, a lot more see violence at home or on screens and it is normalised for them.

Even less serious forms of bad behaviour often come from poor parenting. Eg the child that doesn't think 'everybody sit on the carpet and be quiet' applies to them. I would bet good money they get that 'I'm special and the rules don't apply to me' attitude from their parents.

I know that sometimes schools frame it as "we don't use those words/behave like that at school" which is all well and good but you also don't want them out in the world behaving like that. I think schools can offering parenting courses etc but they can't make people go on them.

@FernFaeryAnd send dc can be excluded and are. We just need more special schools and these should be named on the EHCP.