Unsure whether to consider private school for 13yo DS

[Strategies25]

My ex and I are trying to decide if we should move ds (13) to a private school.

he is exceptionally bright and not thriving at all at secondary. He starts yr 9 in September, so that feels like a good time to move him if we do.

he would have gone to one of the top grammar schools in the country, but we moved far out of catchment to support DD’s schooling. I was confident ds would thrive wherever he was. He’s super bright, good looking, finds it easy to be popular, and loves sport.

but strangely despite everything going for him he hasn’t found his feet at all.

but he’s trying his best, and has some reasonable friends- but seems to default to trouble making in the classroom, and hates most of his lessons and teachers and sees it all as pointless.

paying for private school would be almost impossible, but could potentially be an option. My ex went to private school and is appalled at how poor the provision is at what is considered a reasonably good secondary school.

currently ds has an idyllic 10 min walk to school from both our houses, and will walk home with friends.

private school would be a long day with a long bus ride everyday which I think ds would hate.

we want to make sure we’re sure about it being a possibility before we talk about it with ds. So wondering what people think of private school and how much it could help him?

Unfortunately being bright doesn’t mean that a child will do well regardless as a lot can be about their peer group and what they want to do.

i used to teach maths at secondary and it’s reasonably common for kids to come in as doing very well at secondary and basically get into a not great peer group and totally stop working and drop down the sets and do badly at GCSEs.

what’s his peer group like? Does he want to change schools at all?

His peer group is still a bit new really. They’re not bad boys, but tend to prioritise being cool.
he’s not really made any close friends. Any friends he’s been in a group with tend to be closer friends with someone else. So he doesn’t really have a solid group or best friend. He kind of straddles two groups, without being central to either.

it’s made him seem really unsure of himself which he never was in the past.

I guess I’m upset he really hates all his classes as he would genuinely love to learn. But everything is turning him off from it.

So wondering what people think of private school

The thing is @Strategies25 that private schools cannot be considered as one homogenous entity. Private schools have in common that they charge fees – beyond that they are very different. Some are big, some are smaller, class sizes vary, sports facilities vary, fees vary.

Have you viewed the private school? What does it offer that you think would suit your DS?

You say in the same sentence that paying for it would almost be impossible but could be an option. So which is it?

This struck me from your post:
he's trying his best … but seems to default to trouble making in the classroom, and hates most of his lessons and teachers and sees it all as pointless.
My view is that if he was really trying his best he wouldn't be making trouble in class. Why does he see it as pointless? Is that a conversation to have with him as he approaches GCSE work?

I think you may have missed the window for September admission?

Op, there’s another thread running about whether to send a dc to private school and I’ll just sum it up for you.

Privately educated children are thick and spoon fed.
They are arrogant and entitled..
They cannot mix with anyone from a different background.
They fail at university because they have been spoon fed.
They are unemployable because no employers want privately educated employees.
Top universities put their applications at the bottom of the pile.
Everyone who goes to private schools has serious mental health issues as a direct result of their education.
State schools offer a superior education to private schools.
Private schools should be abolished.
You are morally repugnant for even considering such a thing.

I’ve probably missed a few things out but you get the gist…

What about state boarding grammar?

Ripon Grammar or Haberdashers Adams? You just pay for the boarding.

You say your son "seems to default to trouble making in the classroom, and hates most of his lessons and teachers and sees it all as pointless."
Given your son is both academic and sporty this seems a very extreme negative reaction to school. He doesn't have close friends, but it does sound like he has people to hang out with.
I would be trying to get to the bottom of why he has such a negative attitude to schoolwork and teachers before considering a school move. Depending on the reasons underpinning this a school move might improve things or might not.

In a later post you say "he would genuinely love to learn. But everything is turning him off from it." What do you mean by 'everything' here? Someone who genuinely loves to learn doesnt normally hate most teachers and find school pointless. Why does he feel like this?

If he's as bright as you say he'll get decent gcse results even with not trying hard at school and messing about

Most teachers will respond well to genuine interest from a pupil. Why did you prioritise dd’s education, is that indicative of your life in general? You are too late for September although there may be the occasional place come up around Easter as parents need to commit to fees. Unless he is really keen to move you probably need to stick it put until sixth form.

I think you have to go round the school and use your judgement. You alone before taking DS. Would it suit him? The private school my boys went to had none of the issues listed by another poster, but it wouldn’t be the school for everyone. If your DS has been mucking about, will he have the ability to get in (pass the tests and interview) and then to knuckle down and catch up? Quite often private schools may be ahead in certain areas. If he gets in will there be other kids living nearby? Lots to think about.

This.
Sounds like he needs to mature and develop some discipline. Sometimes bright boys who sailed through primary can get to secondary and realise they aren’t the best after all. That’s a hard lesson but much needed.
What is he into? Can he develop something outside of school? Karate or other individual pursuit. Or start a business depending what he’s into?

@38thparallel if it’s the thread I’m thinking of I had to hide it in the end as it was putting up my blood pressure. (I felt bad because I had specific relevant knowledge and experience, which the vast majority of posters did not.)

@Strategies25 the main thing I’d say is that if you are considering paying fees you should always look at more than one school.

I would also have suggested you look at the possibility of bursaries - but I’m afraid you’re probably far too late as they would all have been allotted for your son’s age group at any school.

There is no guarantee at all that he'll be any happier in a private school. He could still have trouble making good friends. It's a large amount of money to gamble and I wouldn't advise it if you can't comfortably afford it.

Following. In the same position with my DS, although I do think a lot of it is to do with neurodiversity and he isn't as socially capable as your DS. However some of it rings true - he is very bright and has high target grades, but is constantly getting into trouble in class for being disruptive or cheeky. He finds all of school boring and doesn't seem the point of it.

We went to see a small private school last week in the hopes of better peer influences and stronger pastoral care/better relationships with teachers. I really liked it. The challenge would be getting DS on board, plus the long bus ride and school day that you mentioned. And of course the financial side. But perhaps my main worry is whether they would even want DS - it's not an academically selective school and they are known for pastoral care, but do they want a fidgety, disruptive student?

Thanks everyone. In terms of getting to the bottom of why he feels this way, I think he has been very upset by our divorce and house move, and also I was living with my partner for a while so we were part of a step family.

so there’s been lots of changes and disruption for him.

Ive now changed to part time work so I’m there for him more. And his dad is there for him the days he stays there.

he does lots of football, rugby and scouts. Was also doing swimming and tennis out of school. Does lots of trips with them, and also maths tuition.

so each day is quite busy. He mainly hates all of that too - he always feels too tired and a bit down.

so I don’t think he’d react well to the change to private school. But I feel the alternative is letting him sink.

OP I think you need to get him some support with his problems rather than just changing school. You will get a shock if you think that alone will be enough as the school will expect a lot of behavioural stuff to be addressed at home. Plenty of naughty kids to team up with in even the most academic private schools. Most likely you will end up paying and he will still be getting into trouble.
It sounds that he hasn’t coped well with the change in his circumstances and you really need to address that rather than just moving him and hoping that fixes everything.

"so each day is quite busy. He mainly hates all of that too - he always feels too tired and a bit down.
so I don’t think he’d react well to the change to private school. But I feel the alternative is letting him sink."

Too tired, and not reacting to change well. That makes me think that moving him to private school which would be a longer day with more homework, so more tiring might help him sink.

so I don’t think he’d react well to the change to private school. But I feel the alternative is letting him sink.

Yes I agree with PPs – if he wouldn't do well at private school then it’s hardly going to stop him “sinking” is it?

I get the feeling (apols if I am wrong) that you view a private school as some kind of panacea. As I and others have said, you need to look at the individual private school to see what it might offer.

And even if its offer does suit (in terms of subjects, class size, size of the school, sporting facilities, distance, journey, locality of friends – just a few considerations alongside fees of course) there is nothing to say it will magically stop him messing about and get him engaged.

If I were you I would talk to him seriously about his future. If he is bright then he can do well in GCSEs. That will open all kinds of doors for him to exciting further study and careers, so they are important. To do well (and they are only three years away now) he needs to start to focus and listen.

Which subjects does he like? What does he think he might like to do going forward? If he doesn't know, suggest a few possible careers and look at what you quals need to do them. It might help him make the connection between learning biology and a future as a vet (or whatever).