Should we move DD to specialist dyslexia school?

[Om83]

My DD is in yr8 and is struggling at her secondary school due to her dyslexia, so much anxiety around going to school and her self esteem is so low, it is really heart breaking.

She doesn’t have an EHCP as we were told she wouldn’t get one as she’s not ‘bad enough’, but it’s like she’s fallen between the cracks as she can’t cope with mainstream school. They have put some interventions in place for her which are inconsistently followed and even when they are are don’t actually massively help as she just needs more time and explanation, which in a class of 30 kids and a curriculum to get through is not possible. I have raised concerns, they are inflexible in how they approach learning needs, and they are too busy to respond properly, although have given her 6 weeks of counselling for her anxiety, whilst missing the point that her anxiety comes directly from not being able to keep up at school…

There is a private school near us that specialises in dyslexia, and my parents are in a position to help us with fees and will write it into their will to take it out of our inheritance when the time comes.

My daughter doesn’t want to leave her school because of her friends, and despite not enjoying it, it is ‘known’ and not scary like starting a new school would be.

My husband (who is also dyslexic) thinks she should stay at her mainstream school- that it will make her stronger and more resilient, and education is not the be all and end all, she will be ok wherever she ends up etc etc… he had a similarly bad experience at school and has done ok in life (we are happy and secure in home/work) but his low confidence from school and feelings of not being good enough have obviously impacted his life in various negative ways and held him back.

I can see my husbands point to some extent about building resilience - life isn’t easy and she will have to do stuff in life/work she doesn’t want to do… but at the same time why does she have to become strong by getting her confidence and abilities shredded apart everyday? No adult I know would put themselves through that!

We have thought about getting tutors for her, however on top of her school day and homework she is already burnt out and overwhelmed without trying to find time to get her to do more.

I know she will ‘survive’ if she stays where she is, but she won’t thrive. I know it will get harder for her as she goes up through the school, more tears, refusals to go and anxiety. I know if she can get through these tough years at school, she can choose entry level college courses, and likely need to redo her English and Maths, and she will make the best of the options available to her. If my parents hadn’t offered financial help then private school would not even be an option we’d ever dreamt of.

but… I think going to a specialist private school will improve her confidence in herself and she is capable, which is my biggest priority. The private school have more engaging teaching methods, slower pace, smaller classes, they can do less GCSEs but the opportunity to get better grades and actually learn the basics that she will need to get through life and give her the best start.

I know it would be distressing to leave friends, but she does make friends quite easily, she can see them outside of school, and how important are school friends (that may or may not be life long..) versus her long term self-esteem and education?? I don’t want to be blinded by her wants as a 12 yr old who can’t see the bigger picture in this, but equally she needs to be on board.

Also, it’s just such a lot of money to commit to, I find that scary. should it be spent now on her education to give her a good start or would it be better to give her larger lump sum later in life?

Overall I’m just angry for her that schools today still can’t meet her needs, and watching her fail and feel like a failure everyday is devastating.

What would you do?

I would move her to the private school if you can afford it.

move her, there's too much at risk to throw away that sort of opportunity.

We are in the process of moving DS to a dyslexia specialist school. He is actually in a very supportive primary but there is no way a mainstream secondary will be able to offer the support he needs.

Resilience doesn't come from forcing your way through anxiety every day. Being in a safe, supportive environment where your needs are met is what builds resilience.

I’d also move her to the private school. It’s not about surviving school, she deserves to be happy and to fulfill her potential. Private schools tend to be very good at building confidence and that alone will increase her resilience.

I have 2 dyslexic dc, both young adults now. They are both 'very' dyslexic.

One coped fine in mainstream school with accommodations in place, but he was a confident, resilient teenager.

The other found school a complete ordeal. He is very bright, as most dyslexic people are, but his confidence really took a beating and it was very difficult for him. He says one of the best days of his life was the day he left school. He found his niche after school as loves his career now, but I think he is still quite scarred by his school experience. So am I to be honest, it was heartbreaking and very stressful getting him in to school.

If I had had the opportunity to send him to a specialist school I would absolutely have done so.

I know it's hard to change schools and she's looking at it from a 'better the devil you know' perspective, but I think she will thank you in the future.

I would definitely move her. I have a young adult with very, very low self esteem which has come from years of struggling with school. It doesn't build resilience, it's just soul destroying. I have seen what is done to him abs feel so sad when I think about the very happy 5 year old he was.

When your DH went to school it was probably different. These days it's so much about results, results, results. Exams have very little/zero continuous assessment and is all written. There are extra points for grammar and spelling etc.

I have met many parents with dyslexia, because DD was in special provision and the parents had the same difficulties as their DC. I’ve seen women crying about the impact on their lives. Men have told me how they became the class clown to cover up, what they couldn’t do. Your DH may have developed resilience, but it’s not what I have seen in most parents. Quite the opposite!

If your parents have offered to fund it, try it!

Thanks, lots of good points here- she does deserve to be happy and @Lookingforwardto2025def agree the being safe and supported and needs met is the best way to build resilience (I’m going to borrow this wording for discussions with my husband!) @MiddleAgedDreaddef too much to risk if we are able to make it happen.

@Talkwhilstyouwalkgood too much hear that about private schools building confidence and this one seems particularly geared towards that as they realise a lot of kids are coming in already a bit broken. I don’t really know a lot about how private schools work in general but this is definitely a good opportunity for her.

thanks for all your replies and thoughts x

We did this for our dyslexic son. Went from “might pass a gcse or two” to a full set of gcses with predictions around 7/8.
More importantly he is healthy, confident and happy.
State schools do not have the resources to look after SENDs kids properly, especially if they aren’t trouble makers.

Get a private consultation
I did this years ago for my son ( much younger around 6 -7 years -)

the consultant sent the school the letter and the school put stuff in place to help him and he had this help all the way through till he left school
he also attended a dyslexic specialist school
once a week for tutoring

things might not be that easy now but this is what I did

@PrincessOfPreschool that’s the thing- DH was scarred by his school life, he was the class clown, no expectations of ever achieving anything… which is why I can’t understand why he wants her to go though the same thing… it feels like a very old fashioned tough life thing?? that just because he proved everyone wrong and worked his way up into a decent job it doesn’t mean the same will happen for her.

to me it seems like an easy decision to make.

I'd move her, I feel very lucky to have had both supportive parents and great academic help while I was at high school. It really made a big difference for me. I was diagnosed as seriously (that was not the word I was trying to use buy hay I'm dyslexic) dyslexic at around 10 years old.

I made massive improvements in high school thanks to a lot of hard work from everyone. And my primary school teacher said he never thought I would have been able to do so well 5 years earlier.

I'd definitely move her to a more supportive school. I don't know how I lucked out but I was in a normal state high school and my nice who is like me struggle so much more then I did and didn't get any where near as much help.

If you can afford it, absolutely move her.
School has changed beyond all recognition in the last 20 years.
The amount of pressure on written work in particular, against the clock, with massive curriculum content and draconian punishments for noncompliance mean the ‘class clown’ just isn’t tolerated any more. They will be sent off to isolation, or similar. The teachers cannot deal with that level of disruption in a classroom. If the kids don’t get the required grades in maths and English they will be refused access to 16+ courses they want to do. If they have any sort of academic potential, it will be lost in mainstream without proper support. That’s sadly lacking without an EHCP (and often even if you do have one, it’s not followed).

It’s sad to leave friends, but you can try to mitigate that out of school. And she will make new friends at a new school. The sheer importance of everything at gcse now means I would do anything within my power to make that path easier.

My DD is moderately dyslexic. Main issues are spelling, handwriting, slow processing of information. We chose private for her but not a specialist school as we wanted her to go to private so she received the right amount of support but without being defined by her dyslexia or going to a school because of her dyslexia, if that makes sense? So she is benefiting from small class sizes (averages 15), an IPL that every teacher is aware of, every child uses laptops anyway so she doesn't stand out as having to use one (which may be the case in state), she will have additional time (25%) on all her end of year exams and the school will support an application for this when she reaches GCSEs. She only does on MFL and instead has additional maths and English support and is learning to touch type. But for us it wasn't just about all of the above, we also wanted her to have all the extra curricular opportunities that she is now involved in so that she felt she was good at something, that it isn't just about the academics. She's excelling at swimming, loving clubs such as science, textiles, choir. The pressure is off to achieve highly academically because, while she knows she is surrounded by some very highly achieving children, she doesn't feel in competition with them, she's happy and doing brilliantly on her terms. You're just not going to get that in state unfortunately, as you say, your DD, just like mine, is one of those that "falls between the cracks". She doesn't have to grin and bear it, build up resilience etc just because your DH had to. If you can do better for your DD, do it.

My DC is dyslexic and at a mainstream state school, coming up to the GCSE years now. We haven't moved DC, but their school is a smaller one, they are using interventions and we are able to afford some tutoring. Even so it's a worry, but DC is happy, with a solid friend group, and doesn't want to move (the potential school would be a bit of a hike every morning anyway). If DC was anxious like your child, I would definitely think about moving schools, it sounds like things are very difficult. Hope you can find a way forward.

Kindly OP I really wonder if DH isn't really coping with the impact that school has had on him? Whether he wants to pretend that school was ok really? I mean maybe he doesn't want to go down the route of admitting how terrible school was? I was badly bullied in school and I have largely blocked out those years...

I am dyslexic and slightly different but as child (10 upwards) a teen I went to dyslexia summer camps. I really struggled at school. I was bullied, I was anxious and very very shy.
at camp, I was just me. I was the same as everyone else and I fitted in, they were the best weeks of my school life. If could have gone to a school that met my needs and the other kids understood me I would have jumped at it. School didn’t make me more resilient, it just battered me down more. I’m still in touch with the friends I made at those camps. We all went every year. The teachers too. It wasn’t even about the help with my dyslexia it was more the social side for me, I belonged and I fitted in an I was just me.

I really hope whatever you choose for your daughter, she manages to thrive and succeed but don’t let her flounder - she’s not going to just gain resilience all by herself, her dad needs to be up at her school making sure her help is consistent and needs are met. Your parents are very generous offering to pay for school. It’s tough for kids, I don’t feel it’s really any better for dyslexic children than it was when I was at school which is sad!!

I very strongly disagree with your husband. I’d move her - the school will almost certainly allow her to go for a few taster days which might make the move easier for her.

Your issue isn't what to do, you know this would be best for your particular child, your issue is convincing your partner.
Does he know how this is really affecting her in school? What that lack of self esteem really looks like for her? What happens to girls with low self esteem? Has he visited the private school and seen what they can offer? Does he understand what schools are facing now compared to his day?
If not, work on these.
If he still disagrees I'm afraid you've got to hold your nerve and stick up for your daughter's future. Don't let it drag on, help her.

Regardless of your decision, it is utterly inaccurate to think that a child can’t have an EHCP for dyslexia and indeed most private dyslexia schools are funded via LA EHCP.

There’s no such thing as “bad enough.”

The legal test is that the child “has or may have a special educational need which may require provision in the form of an EHCP” and this is what triggers assessment. Before you make any major decisions, read up (IPSEA/SOSSEN) and lawyer up.

Moving a long way and putting our son in a dyslexic specialist school was the best thing we have ever done for him, he was sad to leave his friends but quickly made new ones as they were all the same. The years he had there took the pressure off me as I knew he was looked after and he says they were the happiest school times.

Absolutely move her. My DD wasn’t coping in Yr3, we moved her to an all girls private school and she blossomed. There’s was no magic wand to fix DD’s difficulties, she was given the time and support she needed that simply couldn’t be met in a mainstream school.

Dyslexic DS thrived at a small private school. In hindsight I now understand the benefits weren’t the extra support or LS lessons but purely time. Staff had time to adapt to what he needed. He thrived in other areas of school which helped his confidence grow massively and enabled him to love school again. He was given time to grow and mature without pressure. So much so that when it came to year 11 and GCSEs/A levels he had the confidence and tools to find his own solutions to his learning difficulties which also stood him in good stead at University and beyond. Please move her if you can do so without too much financial pressure.

Do it, 100%. My dyslexic Son struggled
so so much, we persisted until year ten and then pulled him out. I have so many regrets around this and wish we’d moved him earlier. I’d have jumped at being able to give him this opportunity!

I have seen a friend’s child transform after making a move from state to private. The difficulties are still there but there is more of a focus on the accommodations needed, a focus on her strengths and just a bit more attention. In the state it was put up and shut up.