How to control parental anxiousness in GCSE times

[Spamfrit]

I’m looking for advice from all those wise mumsnetters that have come out the other side.
DS has GCSEs this year, is conscientious turns up and wants to do well. Had a recent glowing parents evening.
Yet it is only January and already I am feeling nervous and anxious. Like all I want him to do well.
I think I carry a lot of trauma over excess exams in my own life. I am fully aware this is not about me and about supporting him without adding more pressure in his life.
Any tips and hints to those that have survived with still having a half decent relationship with their teen and some semblance of sanity intact would be greatly appreciated.
(I have asked some people in real life and have just got back “oh no, it really is terrible “)

Offoad on here rather than stressing your DC.

If you have a conscientious DC you are 3/4 of the way there compared with parents who have to nag their kids.

Things to do:

• have exam timetable printed out and make sure DC knows what paper contains what topics (eg is Shakespeare paper 1 or 2)
• make sure they have whatever they need in the way of revision guides
• make sure they aren't over working and take appropriate breaks
• make sure there is a Plan A but also Plans B and C for next steps so if it all goes wrong it isn't the end of the world as there is a plan in place
• ask how things are going, do they want to run things over with you

Things not to do

• book outings mid exams without consulting them
• expect them to not have down time
• fuss
• catastrophise

We're in first year uni stage now. TBH your job is to provide the right conditions (desk, pens, light, food) and just let them get on with it. Try not to "retake" your own exams at the same time. I'm our house I had stronger exam performance than (undiagnosed at the time) dyslexic DW but we both found things a bit triggering.

If DC is going more off the rails then speak to the school for more ideas about support

@TeenToTwentiesI'm impressed by your bullet points!

I think it's great you've recognized you will need to keep your emotions in check, and that alone is going to do your child a world of good.

It's a LONG slog. They need breaks - so have afternoons off occasionally, and go do whatever it is they enjoy - with them. Say yes to the parties, the random "can we go to the beach and you collect us on your way home from work" requests. And don't stress about them not always working!
We also made loads of snacks - together as a shared activity. Sausage rolls, cookies, pizza etc

Both of you need sone form of excerise - it's a great stress relief!

We offered help - some times it was accepted sometimes not. We never forced it.
We supplied mountains of food, and made sure we had back ups of everything needed in an exam - basically a spare exam pencil case.

And remember, while it feels like this is the most important thing in the world, so long as they get what they need for the next stage, it's achieved it's goal.

Make sure they have everything they need to succeed. I.e books, equipment, time, quiet, food, care and then just leave them to it. It's their life not yours and as long as they have had all the right tools to succeed wether they do or not is down to them.

Be supportive, don’t show that you are stressed and anxious and don’t push them to study more, they have to be able to want to study and want to do well for themselves.

be supportive and listen to their complaints and stresses.

Also, at 16 he could have 6 years of exams ahead. So important to have normal life as well, and not put it "on hold"

I'm really relieved to read all the sensible replies to your OP, @Spamfrit . When I read of your level of agitation I thought perhaps it was evidence of a trend towards anxious helicopter parenting in relation to GCSEs. But all of the sensible replies reassured me!

I do sympathise with your anxiety. But you really do have to remember that it is a "you" anxiety, not part of your response to your DS's needs.

I'm sure you are already doing well at trying to protect him from your agitation - partly by using MN as a vent! But you need to keep on focussing on that need to distinguish between your agitation and his needs. In trying to manage that agitation, think of what you need (time alone, hobbies, whatever). That might sound like putting yourself first, but it isn't, because what he needs from you is for you to create space between your emotions and his.
It's just part of the wider process of letting go as your son grows up. My son is past his mid twenties and in the middle of some professional exams atm. I still feel the same anxious parental impulse that tells me I have to 'manage' something about his endeavours. But of course that is a fiction. It was probably already a fiction when he was doing GCSEs

Lovely mumsnetters. Thankyou for your wise words.
I know you are all right. It’s just lovely to have the combined community spirit of… this is normal… this will pass to my feelings.
And yes I was hoping to use this as a lovely portal to offload on.
I love TeenToTwenties idea of having plan B and C in place (for me)
and other ideas of distracting myself and keeping me busy.

The Plan B & C are for your young person.
What is they don't meet grades for top choice subjects or school/college? Do you need to have applied elsewhere as a backup, or have pre-researched other options.
On results day it is better to be able to say 'oh dear, well at least you have X lined up, lets enroll' than 'help what the hell are we going to do now?' and then pick something in a panic.

Listen to what they want - my oldest wanted to talk over every exam in minute detail, the younger didn't really even want to say good/okay/bad

Let them make their own plans - rather than pushing them to what you think is best, unless they ask for your help in which case you can offer suggestions.

Don't tell them that effort is all that matters - if they're a hard worker, they care about results, you pretending they don't matter fools no one

Don't keep asking about how much work/what they got in the last test if they are being cagey - that can make them feel under pressure. If they're keen to tell you, then great, but if they're not, leave it.

Do produce little treats for while they're revising - packet of Jaffa cakes makes revision seem much easier

A break is good, but on their terms - you can suggest things, but an hour of trailing a sulky teen outside because you have deemed it good for them won't actually help their revision.

Encourage them to have a day, or an afternoon if that seems too much, off even through the exams. Having a day where they don't have to think about what work they should do makes them much fresher. We always had the rule of no work Sunday at home. Occasionally there was a reason why they needed to work Sunday, in which case they'd take Saturday off. As adults they say they appreciated feeling they had a day where there was no feeling that they ought to be working.

But mostly, give them space, be led by them, and let them know you love them and will be there for them whatever.

My 4dc have all gone through gcses - the last one is doing her IB this year and it is stressful because you want the best for them and they are stressed. It's completely different to when I did my O levels when anything above a C was applauded! I just keep it to myself and try to support them as they need. It's their exams not yours and it is their responsibility to revise etc and there is no use nagging.

It is a stressful time for them, make sure they switch off and dont go to bed too late during exam season. We didn’t plan any major days out , kept reminding them of their summer of freedom ahead! It helps
scoring off the exams think there was about 25 exams my yr 11 had…🤯❤️

Oh, thanks for this thread OP - I’m finding it stressful as well.

Really you've said it all. Trust him and let him get on with it. If he needs you to help him let him ask for your help. Make sure he keeps everything ese going , friends hobbies sport etc. Praise him for his effort along the way. All will be well. Your best is always good enoug

I completely understand how you feel. My son had GCSEs in year 10 and as he historically has not done much work for tests I was feeling anxious about it. However, your son sounds different as he’s conscientious. In the end, my son hugely surprised me and he really worked for his exams and seeing him trying alleviated my worries as really all they can do is try and I always say to him ‘as long as you try I don’t mind’. He asked me to test him on various subjects during exam season and we actually bonded over the course of those GCSEs. I now know all about the First World War. Try not to worry. My son is in yr 11 now and has the remainder of his GCSEs this year.

Just to add, I bought folders for each subject for him to put his notes in, downloaded the resources the school recommended for each subject on to his computer and saved them in computer files on favourites, and managed to pick up second hand revision guides. I helped him put a revision timetable together but he still attended the gym daily to keep him less stressed.

Really you've said it all. Trust him and let him get on with it. If he needs you to help him let him ask for your help. Make sure he keeps everything else going , friends hobbies sport etc. Praise him for his effort along the way. All will be well. Your best is always good enough

I've just received come out the other end of two DC simultaneously doing GCSEs. One conscientious, driven and academic . The other has significant SEND and struggles academically and with organisation/stress/anxiety etc.

What you do as a parent depends so much on the child but they all need you to be calm and positive. Praise effort to revise and study, praise them if they engage on the right inputs, not based on results.

Let them know you are behind them and ready to support then in what they needs. Stay engaged with school if problems come up. Buy revision guides if DC will use them.

My DC with SEND also needed me to learn alongside them, do lots of extra practice at home, support from a tutor, keep in contact with the SEN team and class teachers... I had to know the revision timetable, keep them on track, and put in lots of structure for downtime as well as learning.

My other DC just needed a cheerleader at home and they got on with it. I still checked in to see if they had concerns, but largely the school had it all under control.

Both my DC got the results we expected (or even a bit better in some exams, and not significantly worse in anything important).

“DS has GCSEs this year, is conscientious turns up and wants to do well. Had a recent glowing parents evening.”

You have zero to worry about in this scenario!
It is meant to be a dry run for kids like your DS for more important exams that come later, like A level, uni exams. Your job is to provide the conditions to let him work out himself what he needs to do to be organised and on top of things. Like rest, good food, breaks etc, chats that are wholesome.
GCSEs are a long process and exhausting and about organisation and time management skills.
Kids with your DS profile only go wrong if they mismanage time on some subjects vs not others. My advice is to pass those that you need to just pass with the minimum for the next stage, but to go deep into those he is passionate about already. As you really want to have the groundwork for A levels which are a big step up especially in competitive subjects like Maths, Chemistry, History, Physics etc.

Make the expectation real, to move onto A level you just need 5 passes. That's the message I gave both of mine, anything else is a bonus and if they failed them all resits are an option. The pressure is too much for teens, why tell them it's the most important thing etc, they're getting that from the school. Both of mine are now doing masters, one in law and one in maths.

Hello, my twin girl/boys did this last summer. The main thing is to give them lots of space, but always keep a line of communication open so they can chat to you when they are overwhelmed and stressed. Also I told them whatever their results, they will have an interesting and happy life. It will be a different sort of interesting depending on the grades, but this is just a step along the way for them to great and wonderful things. In the end they both did really well, and there were only a handful of bad days. Wishing your family the best of luck! 🤞