Child’s confidence at school

[Ohmydays35]

I am feeling really worried about my child’s confidence at school. She is bright as a button and has always done really well at school before - she’s seven and now in year 3. She’s not performed very well in their first round of English exams and so has been invited to do multiple early morning booster sessions (private school) even though her teacher said not to worry as she’s totally where she should be in class and clearly loves learning. She’s never been great at spelling but she’s summer born so still catching up there a bit I think…

I can’t help but feel doing these booster sessions is going to make her feel she’s crap at English- she already likes to joke “I’m not the one who’s good at English in this family” as we’re quite a bookish family and her older brother won an English competition last year. She’s a sensitive child who really takes things to heart and I don’t see how I can sell these boosters to her without them reinforcing this (wrong) view that she’s rubbish at this subject. It feels like it might embed something harmful really early on. (Separately I had her tested for dyslexia recently just in case because of the spelling and she doesn’t have it and in fact has a reading age of 10 and really good comprehension!)

Separately but contributing to my worry about her confidence, literally ALL her best friends except for her have just been chosen for a sports quad when she thought she was quite good (she is - not far behind them but not quite as good). So she’s already feeling left out and rubbish about that.

Feeling a bit lost and sad and not sure how best to help. She’s so little to start putting herself in good and bad brackets!

I would take that offer and bill it as a positive thing. Absolutely as summer born she is with children who will be up to near a year older than her. That alone makes perfect logical sense that I think a 7 yr old would take on board. We had similar with DS in yr 5 invited to extra maths and I was really concerned about his confidence. But he absolutely flew and teacher came out to rave about his later test results and he ended up top set in year 7.

Just be positive at every opportunity which you obviously are. We talked a lot about how "lucky" he was to get on the "special sessions" and in his case they were because he had a lot of sickness (again a reason they can understand why they might need extra support).

I would take on board her feelings. It does honestly sound like she doesn't really need the sessions but I would rather take them and not need them.

Thank you - you are right, I needed to hear this! Really reassuring.

My daughter is exactly the same, although she is dyslexic. It's a really hard one and it's horrible watching her self sabotage as her confidence over takes her mind and she can't think straight despite her being very bright. She also has friends that do very well academically that she constantly compares herself too. I've always stressed to her that as long as she is trying her best, we are not worried by her test results (odviously we do care, but one of the biggest issues for her is the feeling of not doing well enough for everyone else.) I also tell her to run her own race, to try not to worry about how anyone else is doing, but that is easier said than done. She has just started doing an extra maths class in the morning and like you I was worried it would upset her and its always been one of her strongest subjects, but recently she has found it harder since moving into year 4 and having a little bit more one on one does really seem to have helped her confidence especially as she is reluctant to ask for help in class. A lot of children do get extra help behind the scenes too, so there is no shame in it. It also seems to have helped her feel more confident in other subjects and she just got the highest score in the class for a reading test which for her is a massive achievement as reading and spelling has been a real sticking point. I find asking her if there is some way we can help works wonders as she is very unlikely to bring it up herself, but feels relieved when asked. A good relationship with the teacher helps too.

Well that's pretty much what you get for choosing a private school so young. Exam pressure at age 7!
Sensitive kids cope with that better later on at school but I guess it's too late now. You're just going to have to make the best of it.
Try finding something she's good at to concentrate on that other kids at school don't do. A completely separate hobby. If they all do ballet and piano go to judo or guitar. If they're all on the swimming team start archery. Get her a thing where she's not competing against others only herself.

Some children don't perform well in exams and it knocks their confidence. My DD is like that. The school she's in is very chilled about any tests, as are her dad and I. She does other activities that she can excel at, which gives her confidence.
Is it worth exploring her moving down an academic year, if she is summer born, particularly in a private school that may have more focus on the academic side. Or looking at a different school? Not sure why she's being offered the extra classes when the teacher is happy with her work ...... maybe go and chat with the teacher and talk with them before making a decision.
My DD is summer born, but is in her correct year - this has worked well for her. Another friend with a summer born dropped him down a year, which was perfect for him. My summer born mum dropped an academic year and it was a game changer.

The booster sessions are all about parental reassurance they are getting good value for money from the school (especially after a poor test grade). You’re being told that your daughter is right where she needs to be academically so why else would they invite her to booster sessions? Don’t send her to the booster sessions if you feel they will do more harm than good- surely this is obvious?

My dd is similar to this, we are an "academic" family and she's very bright but a late in the year baby, and not super confident. I'd potentially have a chat with the teacher, sometimes they can do the odd thing to make them feel good (picking for a line at assembly, having a special job etc, just little things). Also try and teach her the qualities about herself that are great, rather than just achievements - that'll be better for long term self esteem. Telling her "gosh you're so determined, I see how hard you worked there" regardless, or "you're such a good friend, I saw you were kind to xyz there". I got my dd a Happy Journal which encourages them to think about resilience and rheur qualities etc. Ultimately in life we all reach the stage where people do better than you, maybe for the very bright it isn't until university or work, but it always always comes, so in a way it's good she's dealing with it. Having lots of unconditional love and discussing how she feels honestly and with no expectations at home will also be helpful to stay grounded. It doesn't matter if you are the best at English, it matters if you're kind, friendly, funny, adventurous, determined etc

Public schools regularly test 7 year olds. SATS are done at 6-7 and they are regularly tested through out the year 🤷‍♀️

I am aware of that - however the pressure exerted by the school for these occasions is on a different level

Do read up about growth mindset and check how you all as a family talk about learning and ability. There are easy traps to fall into about how you can talk about intelligence and abilities as fixed like "good at English" when it's much healthier to talk about abilities as things that grow with the right approach - trying hard, being resilient especially when finding new things tricky. I'd recommend buying her the Matthew Syed book "You are awesome" as it's all about how you feel about what you can do, and how to approach it.