Stepson struggling after move to the UK

[2freeRelax]

I'm reposting here from AIBU in hope of getting more advice.

Some background - I've been with DP for 8 years, he has an almost 15 year old DS and he only found out about him about 5/6 years ago.

He wasn't officially in a relationship with his mum and by the time DSS was born he wasn't in contact with her as they'd gone to separate colleges. DSS was born here but when he was quite young he moved to Poland with his mum and her family as that's his mums home country.

Fast forward to December 2019 and his mum found DP on social media (his name is uncommon) and she told him he had a son and he’d been asking about his dad, he had just turned 9. It was a long process as they lived in Poland still so DNA testing wasn't easy along with the covid pandemic starting not long after, his mum also blocked it for a while and said she’d tell her son his dad wanted nothing to do with him etc and often went quite when she didn't get her own way. DP didn't want to build a relationship without the DNA test as if it turned out he wasn't his dad it’d hurt both of them if they’d built a bond.

Eventually we found out he was his dad but there were still restrictions to travel so a lot of their first interactions were over face time, DP would mostly play Minecraft with him as stepson didn't speak much English.

They eventually met in the summer of 2022, he and his mum came over for 2 weeks and DP spent alot of time with him but the whole time his mum seemed quite off, as if she was looking for DP to mess up somehow. They continued to talk often over facetime and he’d come and visit during holidays, we never visited him in Poland because DP has a fear of flying and stepson enjoyed a different country.

He came and celebrated Christmas with us last year and we also introduced polish traditions to make him feel settled, he loved it and we got closer, it was lovely to spend Christmas with him, DP and DS. Except in the nights leading up to going back he cried and said he wanted to stay. He finally told DP on the last night that he liked boys and his mum hadn’t been very nice about it. Apparently she told him that he was going to marry a woman whether he liked it or not. DP asked her if that was true and she said yes but it wasn't any of DP’s business.

He came back to visit earlier this year and he said he hated his school, liking boys, living with his mum and her partner, he wanted to stay here and we found out he’d been self harming. Getting him to the airport was a battle but we agreed we’d look into him staying here. DP talked to his mum and she agreed (she actually said she’d had enough of him and DP could “have him” which seemed cold). Because he doesn't have PR and isn't on the BC him staying is just temporary right now similar to a kinship agreement but he moved this summer and we got him into a local school.

Now onto the issue: its year 10 everyone in his year had chosen options so he has been given ones he wouldn't have picked, he's also struggling to get used to the school system, he's very behind especially in English which is understandable as it's his 2nd language but his main struggle is with Shakespeare and his teacher wanting the class including SS to read a page out loud in front of the class, we've tried talking to the school and told them he isn't confident reading in his second language especially Shakespeare. His head of year was understanding but his teacher is still wanting him to do it. Yesterday he point blank refused and he got a negative behaviour point for refusing to engage and she said everyone has to read, she doesn't care where he's from he's part of the school so he has to follow the rules. This was just his account, we didn't get chance to speak to the school.

He's been at the school for a month now and he hasn't made any friends, he loves art but they had no room for him on the GCSE course so he didn't get the only option he really wanted and he's really not enjoying school because as I said he's not yet used to the English school system. He got upset again yesterday and said he doesn't feel he fits in anywhere. I'm just wondering if the school should be doing more? Like checking how he's settling/ if he's made friends etc or would that be more if he were at primary school? I have a nearly 2yo so I don't know. We're also experiencing some challenging behaviour at home bur this post is long enough

Also any advice on how to make him feel more settled would be appreciated

.

Could you find an out of school art class for him?

It's a tough age to move.

We have been looking at clubs so he can make friends outside of school but he isn't interested in any we've found. I think the school does run an after school art club but I think its only for years 7-9

He just seems so miserable

Is this the only school available? Does a local college offer 14-16 level 2 courses where he could do art? Or run an after school art class. It sounds as if he thought life would be easier over here but the adults in his life should have done their research first and perhaps been firmer that now was not the time. Can he even legally stay more than six months?

It was the only school with space, it isn't rated the best but the outstanding schools didn't have a place. I'm unsure about local colleges but that’d be more moving around and I'm unsure whether it's too late now as it's a month into term.

We didn't want him to be unhappy and yes, it's backfired because he is unhappy here but he was getting bullied at his old school and he was unhappy living with his mum and her partner and I'm not surprised after how she spoke about him to DP, he would've felt that too.

Secondary schools vary massively in how used they are to students coming in from other education systems.

i used to teach in Cambridge and it was quite common there for obvious reasons and so schools were reasonably good at putting support in place.

going into year 10 is not a normal entry point and the friendship groups will already be very well established. It’s very hard to break into those. Does he play football or do any other sports because joining the school clubs and or team is a shortcut way to getting some people to say hello at least.

many schools will run a system whereby students who are struggling in English can drop a gcse (normally French or German) and do extra English and maths. It’s got different names in different schools but it’s worth asking about as it’ll boost his English.

there are generally quite a lot of Eastern Europeans in the U.K. these days - you could ask the school if there are any other students who speak polish at the school - school should have home languages on record.

Don't get too fixated on an outstanding school. Find a school thst can accommodate his needs. As others mentioned previously, is there any possibility he could do y9 this year so he can choose the GCSEs he wants to do nxt year? Is there a school where there are Polish students?

Op - you sound so caring and lovely. Your DP and DSS are lucky to have you. I work in a school and I do think the pastoral team should be doing more to help him.

He should be in a school where they teach English as a foreign language. There would be other foreign students who he could bond with. Is there no other option? What sort of area are you in? There must be other people in a similar situation. Have you tried asking on Facebook on local pages, whether there are families with a similar situation.

We did ask if he could do year 9 but they said no as he isn't summer born (his birthday is next month), the school is quite small for a secondary school with just over 600 students but I think there probably are some other polish speakers. I don't think they are in his year though as he probably would've been introduced to them.

He doesn't like football enough to play in a team unfortunately, he just prefers a kick about with DP and DS. The other issue is DP works away during the week due to the commute, he comes back on a Friday and leaves again Sunday evening so he can't request a meeting as yet but he's asked his boss if he can be more local for the time being once the project is over (it won't be for another few weeks though), I'm sure that's not helping him feel settled. DP does spend time with him on a Saturday one on one and he does message him during the week

I think that could be affecting his behaviour though as he does give us attitude regularly (though that could be normal teenage boy behaviour) and more so me when DP is away, we found a vape on him but he said he found it at school and picked it up, I'm not sure he was telling the truth and I'm sure some of it is normal teen behaviour but it's difficult to know because he has been through a lot.

Schools usually do alot of group activities which promote social life amongst students. But break time at school is best for making friends. What your son must do is break out of the shyness and engage with people at school and play with them sports and activities in the break and dinner times.

Are they insisting he does both English Literature and English language GCSE? Could he drop English lit and only do more language and get help somehow? You need to start downloading the past papers and practising the skills that will be required for the board he is doing. It is important to focus on passing English language for his next stage.
It will be better for him to do fewer GCSEs than others but do the essential ones well enough and enough to move on for Sixth Form. Try and have a meeting with head of academic and head of pastoral at his school, urgently.

Also a lot of secondary schools do have an art club, even if not doing Art GCSE. Try and make contact with the head of art. You do not need to do it as a GCSE necessarily. Just like a lot of kids play music but do not do it for GCSE but still do music groups at school.
I think you need to focus on making the academics more manageable and getting a balance with his interest in art and then find some sport/hobbies he can meet friends. And yes I would also find some other Polish kids - the parents may well be happy for their kids to practise with a proper native speaker. My kids all have loads of Polish friends at school (we are in London though).

Do you have him on the waiting list for the other schools? Put his name down, just in case a place comes up. It doesn't mean you have to accept it, you can decide if/when it comes up.

I’m sorry but this is a ridiculous situation. You’ve moved an already troubled teenage boy to a completely different country, to live with a father he barely knows and who isn’t even there the majority of the time and you’re expecting him to just adjust and fit it.
If this is going to work his father is going to have to actively advocate for him with school, plus actively support him while he adjusts to living with a new family, in a different country. Plus put some sort of help in place for him to process all he has been through.
Of course he’s acting out, he has discovered that you can’t run away from your problems. His behaviour is going to get worse as he becomes more unhappy and it will be you, who has no authority or rights over him, who has to deal with it.

Yes, it's not ideal but as I said DP has asked his boss if he can work closer to home once the project is finished, we aren't expecting him to adjust but I've never had a teenager before, my only child is not even 2 yet so I haven't yet had any dealings with schools for example.

He is on the waiting list for the other schools but they are oversubscribed so not sure if a place will come up. The school he is at are expecting him to do English Literature as well, I'm unsure if he could drop it but I will ask.

English teacher here. Dropping Literature may well be the right decision but I doubt his school* *will be in a position to provide EAL support or extra GCSE English work in that time. Parents ask this fairly regularly, completely underestimating the additional work involved for the teacher. You might be able to negotiate some study periods, but he will have to be self-motivated during that time.

Does he have any eal support outside school? As neither of you have pr are you able to make decisions on his behalf?

OP can you afford private English language tuition if need be? You sound very nice and like you are trying your best. Of course you don’t know the education system yet and how to deal with teens. It’s hard work even without the complications here. I really think you have to try and work with the school you have first and really prioritise mental health, academics and settling in. It will take time, but let’s not forget there have been a lot of Ukrainian children who came with far worse challenges that have settled in and done well here.

I think back to my own troubled home life and teens and I know I would have been completely bereft without art. I wonder if anyone offers art classes locally? The poor lad, thank goodness he has you <3

I don’t think there’s any need for this attitude. OP doesn’t sound as if she’s expecting anything other than for her stepson to be happy one day.

Once the gcse curriculum has started, changing schools gets even harder as eg different schools will do different periods in history etc