Reception starter hitting and not listening

[Mandy92]

Our 4 year old has just started reception and i've been pulled aside at pick-up most days and told he has hit others (to get a toy), not listened to the teacher when asked to do things, not helped to tidy up, and one occasion of throwing sand at the TA.
I feel like since starting school all we've talked about at home is the core values (kind hands, inside voices, listening ears, follow instructions) but nothing is helping.

We're on day 8 of school and I'm already dreading taking him in every day and he's starting to feel the same way. He was so so excited about starting school but he's really stuggling to settle there.

Any advice would be welcome, or experiences from reception teachers who have had similar kids start but who have settled eventually.

“I feel like since starting school all we've talked about at home is the core values (kind hands, inside voices, listening ears, follow instructions) but nothing is helping”

This is all great. Do you also have consequences for unwanted behaviour? And reward good behaviour? What have you tried?

I feel like since starting school all we've talked about at home is the core values (kind hands, inside voices, listening ears, follow instructions) but nothing is helping.

Are any of these concepts he can understand? Have you asked him what he thinks 'kind hands' means?

It sounds like he would be better off being told 'Do not hit. Ever' and experiencing some consequences.

I feel like since starting school all we've talked about at home is the core values (kind hands, inside voices, listening ears, follow instructions) but nothing is helping.

Does he actually understand that kind hands means don't hit and inside voices means don't shout? I find often as a teacher that lots of children just parrot these phrases without actually understanding them.

Also what consequences does he face for hitting and throwing stuff at people? If it's just a gentle reminder about kind hands etc then it's unlikely to change his behaviour.

I had a hitter (at playgroup not school so was with him). Used consequences, time out, leaving whatever we were doing, not fluffy words. Kind words discussion at 4 pm won’t correlate with what he did at 9am. What do school do? What’s he like at home.

Perhaps avoid using cutesy phrases better suited to toddlers and give him clear age appropriate explanations 'you do not hit your friends because it hurts them and makes them feel sad'. Then reward good behaviour and have clear consequences for bad.
It would be helpful to talk to the teacher about a combined approach for home and school so the expectations are the same.

Mine did this; he did settle after 3 or 4 weeks. We did a combination of ‘remember to have kind hands’ at the start of the day, and ‘you do not hit. EVER.’ Had to do a bit of no TV / Lego (his favourite thing) when we’d had a report from the teacher, but we’ve not had any negative contact from the school for ages. He still hits at home, which we’re working on, but as least it’s not other children now! Partly he has changed friendship groups, as that was a bit influential, but partly he just settled. It’s a massive change for them and some of them really struggle.

Also the teacher introduced a home-school book, which helped - he absolutely hated anything negative going in there and it was also nice to show the teacher good things he’d done that he was proud of as well (and they could write good things in for us to see).

Saying kind hands is a waste of time if they don’t understand and take no notice of you.
Did you have parenting lessons if you are struggling with your child’s behaviour?
what consequences have you had in place from when they were little?

Agree with PP that a child aged 4 will not connect consequences at home at 4pm to hitting at school in the morning, it’s far too late.

I’d turn it around on the school and ask what consequences they are doing to address the behaviour, what they think the triggers are and how they are going to help your child change his behaviour.

Remember he is still very very young and it’s a big transition. These big feelings are to be expected

Also, I think at this age punishment at school is enough without following up with more punishment at home. If you did want to do something at home I’d do positive reinforcement, maybe a star chart with the promise of after 5 stars he can have a toy? But it might be too far removed to help anyway.

When did he turn 4? And what was he like at nursery? (Did he go to nursery?)

Did he go to nursery and were there any issues about his behaviour then?
Does he have siblings, opportunities to mix with other children?
Agree that a chat with the teacher about strategies to use would be helpful
and home school book too.
If it’s all too overwhelming for him it could be helpful for him to be on a reduced timetable.
As others have said lots of praise for doing the right thing always beneficial!

I can’t bear the expression ‘kind hands’. I feel that I know what sort of parent says it.

Did he go to preschool? Any issues there? Does he have siblings and play ok with them?

Mine did have a phase of snatching when he started school nursery and ‘kind hands’ was useless really because even to an adult it’s a phrase that makes no sense. ‘We do not snatch’ (or in your case hit) is much clearer. You could also emphasise that hitting hurts and ask him how he would feel if a friend hit him. I would also make a point of playing together at home and modelling turn taking. When he’s playing get involved and ask him ‘please may I have a turn with the red car’, ‘would you like a turn with my blue car’, ‘shall we swap cars’, ‘thank you for sharing with me’ etc. then encourage him to use this language in the classroom the next time he wants a toy another DC is playing with.

Hi OP no real advice but just to say we are in the same boat. I feel for you, the dread of being pulled aside at pick up is not fun. Starting school is such an overwhelming time, I hope in time they will settle and simmer down.

Looking forward to hearing advice from others on this thread 🤞

i think this is really normal OP, and at this stage I really wouldn’t worry. Reception is the age that all this stuff happens, and it gets addressed and sorted. It sounds like you’re a great mum and barring any additional factors, I’m sure your child won’t be doing this in a month or two. My son was hit and bitten by different kids at different points in his class, they’re all lovely boys who have lovely parents who just had to grow up a little. I hope that’s reassuring.

When my children were very young I tried the whole “kind hands” thing. I gave up very quickly, maybe it works for some children but they didn’t have any concept of what it meant. I think school age is too old for that kind of thing to be honest. It’s really only useful for toddlers. What is his behaviour like at home, does he ever hit you / siblings? I agree that it needs to be more of an immediate consequence, so if he’s naughty at home you need to firmly say “NO hitting” and remove something immediately like the toy or whatever he’s playing with. If you are laying the ground rules at home then he will be less likely to exhibit that behaviour at school as he will already have an idea of what is and isn’t acceptable.

What are the school doing? This needs immediate consequences, not fluffy discussions (or indeed stricter consequences) hours later. He won’t connect it and it won’t work.

Reminders as he is going into school might help as it can help focus the mind. But also remember that he’s 4 and he’s had a big change and he’s developmentally not great at regulating emotions yet. That’s all normal. Doesn’t mean it should be ignored but empathy is needed to and opportunities for him to regulate both before and after school. Its very worrying that he already is showing signs of not wanting to go.

Boys in particular need a lot of time running around, is he getting enough at school? Can you do more to give him time to do this before and after school. Exercise really helps with regulation.

You also need to watch your own emotions. Why are you dreading taking him in? He hasn’t done anything that bad! I had an SEN child. What you have written here is nothing! And also super normal for a child of 4. I don’t understand why some parents seem to expect their child to just be perfectly behaved all of the time. It’s unrealistic. Kids get dysregulated and act out. It’s what they do and you need to work out how to help them regulate, which includes consequences but also other techniques. Plus more importantly if you are dreading it, he will pick up on that and that will make him dread it more and if he’s going into school feeling worried, or sad, or stressed, or anticipating bad things, then he’ll likely act out even more. Focus on ensuring he is going into school with a positive mindset, having had some exercise, eaten well and with a reminder of the school rules just before he goes in. And speak to the school about what they are doing - is it clear and consistent? Is he getting enough exercise during he school day? Are there any flashpoints or triggers? Are there any issues with specific children? Is anyone antagonising or bullying him? Give suggestions to the school (don’t assume they will suggest anything at all) and remind them that whilst you do want to know, there’s little you can do at home, other than reinforce values, to discipline a 4 year old hours after an event. He just won’t connect the dots. Stop worrying about what others are thinking and the impact on you - you need to be your child’s advocate and that’s where your focus should be.

I think alot of posters have judged quite harshly OP. Has he just turned 4 or is he closer to 5? Did he go to prereception? In my son's school there's usually a 6 week settling on period where all sorts of behaviour is normal - its a big transition for kids. It's only been a week - give it time. He won't be the only kid doing this. Just keep reinforcing at home that hitting isn't OK etc. Does he do this on playdates? Can you have some playdates at home so you can see for yourself. I think he will settle down as he adjusts to school. I bet he's also tired from being in school - my son can be a horror when he's tired. I think just keep speaking with the teacher, suggest a meeting, ask them what they're doing about it, and tell them what you're doing and try to work collaboratively. A bit different as it was pre reception but when my son went to pre they had a reward chart in class for helping out like tidying etc and it worked well with the kids, but also as time goes on they will fall into a routine of tidying etc. My sons pre school also worked alot woth the kids being kind to each other, did workshops about not hitting and any kind of untoward behaviour was stamped out pretty quickly.

Can school help identify triggers?
. Later in the day when tired?
. Just before lunch when hungry?
. In less structured time?
. After 10mins on the carpet?
. Transitions?

If they/you can identify triggers then you can work together to resolve things.

At this age a lot of behaviour is communication.
Something isn't working for him right now.

If he likes picture books, there's one called Hank Goes Honk which is about an obnoxious goose who can't stop interrupting by going HONK really loudly, pops people's balloons etc., and it's pissing everyone off, so he has to try and be more considerate. It might help him think about when/why to be quiet and kind etc. more than 'indoor voices' and 'kind hands'.

I didn’t even know what “inside voices” meant! I just think plain language cuts through best. No hitting. By the way, it’s not normal to hit other dc. It’s what a small minority do who have never been corrected when they cannot regulate their own behaviour. I think parents need to express clearly what expectations are and say “no” if play is too rough or descends into pushing and hitting.

Regarding listening. Practice “shh” when you want to speak. Has he ever been told to be quiet? I used to say “be quiet - mummy is talking”. They get used to waiting. Even in YR they should respect their teacher. Mine did in nursery. It’s parenting by using clear language and not modern phrases dresser up by……?

We had it all through reception, I dreaded the phone calls and chats too, the learning support team and teachers have been great and we've had a few meetings with them. After an assessment with Speech and Language therapist in summer term there is suspected autism which we have put in for an assessment through local authority.

But so far in year one he's been great! Sometimes they just need time to settle in and grow up I think. Personally don't think much else helps, it didn't for us any way. Even if they know they shouldn't hit in the moment it doesn't always stop them doing it. The school should be supporting you to help him manage the school day.

@Mandy92I was thinking of you and your little one today! How is he getting on?