Son doesn’t want to have tutor

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My son is 8 and seems bright. No clear areas of struggling at school, reports good. He is in a state school in the London suburbs. I was always happy with school, he settled well and made some nice friends. Sometimes grumbles about Monday mornings but overall happy to be in.

Last year we were invited to attend a maths lesson for half an hour and I was surprised at how chaotic I found the environment. The classrooms are small, and when you factor behaviour issues and SEN children, plus the usual fiddling that little kids do, I was left with the feeling that it wasn’t an easy environment to learn in.

Starting to consider secondary school options and we have a good boys school near us where his friends will also likely go. I am not fussed too much about 11+ but want all options on the table. I started him with a tutor last week and already having tears and resistance. I think he just doesn’t want extra work. He has loads of other activities he does which he enjoys. This has caused some disagreement with my husband and I, who has never really been academically orientated and not too ambitious. I on the other hand have always seen education as life long and am about to enrol in my PhD.

Anyone have any suggestions on how I can support my son to realise that 1 hour tuition per week isn’t too bad, and that learning doesn’t need to be dreaded!

Is he on target for his age?

You are turning him off education. Doing more harm than good

Not really sure why you think he needs a tutor if he's doing well. My kids had tutors only at times when they were struggling eg to get a decent grade in GCSE maths. And for 11 plus purely to get used to the reasoning type questions as they don't do this in school. But if you're not bothered about 11plus what are you tutoring for?

He's year 4.

You may have found the year 3 classroom chaotic and small but presumably it was full of extra adults that day! He's doing well, he's happy and you need to relax a bit.

If he had lots of other activities are you sure he’s not just overloaded. He’s not struggling academically so maybe save your time and money for tutor support when and if he needs it.

You clearly recognise learning as life long, so why push when he’s 8. You may have found the class chaotic, but you’re at a different stage in your education. Classes at that age should be active, engaged and a bit noisy - that how kids learn to actively engage with academics. I’d worry about a silent class full of 8 year olds.

If he’s capable he will teach himself, my son is bright (above his class knows things at gcse level when hes in primary) and he just goes on youtube and looks at maths & science teaching programmes.
If i got him a tutor I would most likely get argo too, your taking the fun out of learning and doing more harm than good.
Spend that money on something he enjoys my son does boxing classes and it helps having something non-academic to do otherwise they will burn out quickly and resent it.

Can he do it directly before something fun? Like Saturday morn followed by football?

According to report he was above across all the core subjects, except maths where he was securely but last year his teacher left half way through the year so I am not sure about the assessment. I felt his end of year tests weren't as good as his previous years

Otherwise I’d say dont push it. Revisit next year.

Does he like Maths and does he play games like Chess which can help?

If he isn’t buying into the tutoring then he’s not going to learn and it could knock his confidence.

A tutor at eight when he's performing fine at a state school seems a bit OTT.

I would've thought you only need one for 11 plus, unless the school are saying he is weak in certain subjects.

Did you get him the tutor as a result of seeing his maths lesson? That was only a snapshot of what happens in school. I think it will feel like a punishment for him to have to do extra work for seemingly no reason.

Bribe him. I know others will come along and disagree but it works for me. And eventually, tutoring will just become part of the routine.

So he is doing well at school, works hard, is not behind but you are still forcing him into more learning after a full day at school.
Sigh...

The only good arguments for tutoring at 8 are a) if the child is really behind (eg missed lots of school through illness) or b) if child is a genius and is working at a level far beyond what the school can teach them. Neither seem to apply in your case. Even if you think tutoring is necessary for the 11+ (which tutors want you to believe, but is generally not true) it’s too early to start at 8.

I wouldn’t try and persuade him tbh, you could do more harm than good trying to force it.

Can’t you do some maths practice with him at home? That’s what I do with my year 6 DD, a couple of 30 min sessions a week. She is where she is supposed to be for her age but maths is weaker for her than her reading & writing skills so just topping up what she’s doing at school.
I would only pay a tutor if she were very behind or going for 11+

Normally I'd say don't push it, he's only young, but if you're in a grammar school area then year 4 isn't unusual to start thinking about this. Can you emphasise to the tutor that you want to keep things quite relaxed and as fun as possible?

Hmm.

many adults are used to adult only environments and find classrooms overwhelming and chaotic. This is not necessarily true of the children.

if you feel he needs a tutor to access better secondary options then that’s one thing but I wouldn’t do it just in the strength of half an hour in the classroom.

if you do want to go ahead, consider shopping around and finding one your son likes. You do need him to buy in to this.

you might be better off getting him to do something like the bond books or mathletics on a regular basis

I don’t know where exactly you are but generally speaking the 11+ route in London is hideously competitive, state school won’t cover the required material so if you want to keep it on the table as an option you do need to tutor unfortunately. You could wait until start of Y5 but loads of people start in Y4 and if you think there’s going to be resistance to making it part of the routine whenever you begin just because that’s his personality then probably better to deal with that now when you have time on your side. I’d ask the tutor to keep it fun and light for now, focus on building the routine, reinforce with bribery and think about kicking it up a gear next term.

I think you have to trust your instincts here. Some classes are chaotic and less learning happens. I only realised the difference when my younger child started at the same school with a very easy cohort and was doing more work than the older one in a difficult class. London 11 plus is bonkers and it is inevitable you’ll either need a tutor or will be doing supplementary work at home especially if maths isn’t top end of state class.

Yr 4 is quite young to start tutoring.My son has just gained a place at a selective indy and he was tutored from the January of yr 5 to the January of yr 6 when he attended the assessment day. He wasn't thrilled with the extra homework ( it probably tripled the usual anount). However, he did want a place at the school and he understood he needed the tutoring to give him the best chance.

NMaking someone who is reluctant, do more of what they’re not enjoying, is going to put them right off. If you aren’t that fussed about 11+, then don’t force it. Remember that he isn’t a clone of you. He may have more of the temperament of your husband, rather than your academic leaning.

Learning isn’t just about academic excellence, it’s about a broad range of interests and experiencing a wide range of them.

Dear me! Why are you so pushy! End oc y3 is 8 months ago! Get an up to date assessment! Poor child.

Hi realised I hadn’t updated from this. Initially bribed son until about Xmas to do tutoring and now he has just sort of accepted it as a part of normal life! Thanks for taking time to respond, those saying it’s cruel etc etc, he gets to do plenty of fun stuff!