Secondary school transition

[Anon444]

We are day 5 on secondary school transition. My son has been late 3 out of 5 days and has had to be met by teachers to get him into school. He is angry at us about the choice of school as he wanted to go somewhere else based solely on a couple of friends attending . We had our reasons for saying no which we have tried talking to him about. No one from his primary school attends his new school. That said he has already started to form friendships and the support from school has been excellent so far. He isn’t sleeping well, is demonstrating physical signs of anxiety/stress (including for the first time ever a tic). He refuses to speak to a counsellor. Do I keep going for a while and hope he settles? Waiting for GP appointment but have basically been told there is no support via the NHS. Looking at other counselling options. Has anyone else experienced this?

What were your reasons for saying no?

I put a school for first choice that was excellent for my son. He wanted a closer school that I felt would not have been a good fit for him. We were surprised to get the first choice it was a tough school to get into. He was angry & upset with me until Christmas school holidays, then occasionally upset/angry right through to Easter. He made friends straight away though but had no one he knew in his form. After Easter of year 7 he stopped being angry or upset. He loved it there and flourished it was a good fit for him. He is 20 now but I clearly remember worrying if I had made a mistake in sending him there. This will pass,I do feel for you though.

I feel for your son and I also understand that you want to do the right thing for him. It’s really tough when all their peers go to another school and they go to a school with no one from their own Primary. My daughter did this last year, but she made the decision to do this. I admit I spent a lot of time in the 2 years leading up to secondary school talking about what makes a school a good fit and what the pros and cons are of all her options. Armed with that info, I let her make her own mind up.
My own experience was going to a not brilliant school and a poor education. No one took the time to discuss it with me and my parents just left it to me so I went where my best friend chose. Ironically we stopped being friends after the first year and I made an entirely new set.
It’s really tough to get right but at the end of the day your son’s happiness is the most important here. I don’t think NHS Counselling would necessarily be the right thing - better would be to discuss it with his form teacher and ask what pastoral care the school provides to help him transition. A good school will have this in place and there will be other children feeling the same way I’m sure.
Hope he feels a bit more settled soon - my daughter’s form teacher says it often takes Y7s until January to adjust. I hope they look after him at school and you can encourage him to share what’s making him anxious with you and why - so you can reassure him it’s completely normal and he isn’t the only one - and most importantly things will get better. Good luck to you both x

My daughter is in YR10 now. She wanted to go to the same Academy as her Yr 6 friends but we were already having issues with that chain for her older sibling.
She had been treated horribly by the kids in YR6 too, so I wanted a new start for her and I put my preferred one down instead.
She was furious and very stressed at the time about it but made friends v quickly and settled by the Christmas and finally admitted it was the better option at the end of Yr 7. She has lovely friends, is doing well academically and the school is v holistic.
Donwjatnyou can to ease the stress for them at home while they manage the transition and hopefully it will improve shortly.
I think her stress improved in about a month or by half term.

So - it’s completely normal for children to be anxious about starting secondary school particularly if they don’t know anyone.

I don’t think you need to medicalise it as this stage . He doesn’t have anxiety or need NHS councilling for a chronic problem . You need to access the pastoral care at his new school ( there may be a school counselor and his form teacher who can keep an eye out and give him support to settle in . It’s incredibly early days .

I think this is a huge overreaction to an OP who lives her child and is trying to make sure they get a good education.

My son moved school and knew no one 12 months ago. He is happy as Larry , thriving with a great bunch of friends now , despite anxiety week 1 and the summer holidays before the move .

The transition to secondary is such a huge change for some dc, irrespective of whether they join the same school as friends or new by themself. This could have been his reaction to starting the other school even with friends and any of them might be struggling too. I say this as a parent to a child with tics that started in year 7, along with trouble sleeping and anxiety over the smallest thing (never had any of these issues before starting secondary) and only really stopped in the final bit of the year. It takes a good chunk of the first y7 term for most of them to feel settled, even if some of them hide it better than others. It’s not something a GP could help with- I contacted pastoral care at school to get some advice and found that really helped me too, so I was able to support my DC once I realised it was a perfectly normal reaction, even though it’s hard to see your dc upset and angry like that. Good luck OP, I hope your son is feeling more settled very soon.

i would have serious concerns about long term mental health conditions resulting from this as well as the choice of friends he is making all while being in this negative state of mind.
i wouldn't risk my child's health over this, i would consider asking him to hold tight till christmas and review the situation then.
if he is still unhappy move him and likewise if after 12 months he wants to move back i would do that as well.

would you stay in an employment situation that was so dreadful you cried and had knots in your stomach daily despite getting along okay with one or two employees, when the alternative is only a bit of paperwork away?
@josa , that almost reads like the type of trauma boarding school children of yesteryear go through (hate it but resign themselves to it, all the while never forgiving their parents for sending them).

I moved schools multiple times as a child due to parent in the military. 8 times, multiple countries where I knew no one. He will adapt. Concentrate on making new friends - clubs, bus route ect

Great way to keep your son engaged in education!
You should have put him first not your reasons. I can't imagine a reason serious enough to override his preference.

having friends / familiar faces in a new school is a HUGE deal. regardless of league tables/ official results / ofsted reports, your child is likely to perform better if they are happy, and worse if they aren’t.

you didn’t have a choice though. he had other options that would have been better and made him happier.

It’s very early days. Transition to year 7 can be tough. Take up all the offers of help from the school - I don’t think you’ll get far with the GP. I would say to your son, we chose this school for a reason, give it a go and we’ll review say in December. If he knows there’s a genuine review point and that you’ll listen then that might help settle things. Car journeys or walks are excellent for those sorts of conversations - you’re not sat opposite and something else going on tends to help relax them a bit.

I’m sorry, but are you trying to minimise how fricking hard that was to change school 8 times because ‘I didn’t have a choice’?

i know what I’m talking about. You don’t. There are probably multiple reasons why they chose a different school. My parents also chose a different high school for me (American) than every other kid in my 8th grade class. I hated them for it but I ended up loving it and now agree that it was the best move. Unfortunately we had to move after the first year but I didn’t have a choice so it was of course perfectly easy 🙄

It’s day 5 and you’re trying to take him to a GP? Help him! Why is he late, have you forced a school very far but he’s got to travel alone? He’ll be tired too, stressed about getting into trouble on his first week for lateness, on top of the anxiety of stating someone where he knows nobody.
Imagine if this was your first week in a new job? And you’d been late 3 times. Of course you’d not be sleeping!

You as parents need to help him.

First, help him find a solution to being late! Drive him yourself if you must for now, poor kid doesn’t need the extra stress and worry. Why are you not helping him with this?

Secondly, contact the school and explain why he’s being late and what you’re doing to try sort this!
Explain the impact this first week has had and see what support they can offer - they’re normally supportive!

Its no wonder your son is angry with you, you’ve thrown him into this and seem to offer no help to him. It’s day 5 - this isn’t an issue for the NHS! You need to fix this yourselves.

Don't beat yourself up, people can easily say "you should have gone with his choice" but some 10 or 11 year olds (depending on their maturity, some of course can) can't necessarily think long term about the best fit especially if they're anxious about losing friends (ime most children make new friends at secondary school anyway) and nobody knows the difference in the schools or why you felt this was better, or know him and his capacity for making long term, thought through, decisions. I think you've done the right thing in going with what you feel is best for him at this time, you know your child and did this with his best interests at heart.
Would he be open to a meeting with his form tutor or pastoral lead and you, to discuss what is causing the anxiety specifically, whether the school can adjust anything (you say he's late, perhaps going in with everyone is creating anxiety, maybe they can agree a late start and early finish for him so it's quiet and calm). You're right to prioritise his mh and it isn't good to feel chronically anxious, equally it's very normal to be anxious and nervous in this situation- I think you and he need to agree some clear boundaries in the sense of, he needs to give this a good shot, work with you and school, try his best but also maybe you put a time period on it, or discuss adjustments that work for him or a plan B. I think whatever you do needs to include him as I suspect a lot of the anger is related to feeling disempowered and out of control rather than not liking the new school. If he can feel a bit more empowered and a bit more in control that might help, but in areas you both feel comfortable with. My son has school anxiety and we did a Landscape of Fear, where we looked at where and when/what was triggering it the most, we could then work with school to mitigate those things.
Good luck, it's a really tough time

Well said!! Parents need to start making the effort themselves first before making the problem someone else’s (NHS?!). If your child is late for school, wake up earlier and take him yourself, if he is anxious, take him out for a walk after school, help him clear his mind and talk to you. You need to be making this your priority to deal with and make better for him!! Day 5 and you have thrown your arms up and run to mumsnet and the NHS to fix this for you?!

This is NOT going to impact long-term mh as some pp are ridiculously suggesting. You don't need the GP. He's already making friends. You chose a school that's a better fit, he doesn't have the maturity to understand that but he will. Walk with him or drive him to school. It will get better soon.

Why is he late? I would address that first. I have a Year 7 who would be an anxious mess if he were late/trciky journey/did not have all his stuff organised for him. How much handholding have you done with making sure bag is packed night before (they now have loads of subjects), PE kit, planner with classrooms he has to go to etc. We have colour coded folders for every subject, nice stationery, good packed lunch/or look up food options. It is a massive transition for them, so much to remember, so many classrooms, travel independently etc. A lot of them are overwhelmed at first and that is completely normal. You have to coach them into the organisation skills required to thrive.

Good Lord he doesn't need a GP! He needs a sympathetic year and help getting to school on time. Revisit your reasons for choosing this school and be prepared to do something about it after the first term. If this is the first time your son has behaved like this then I would listen to his reasons.

Even if they move up with friends from primary, secondary school offers so much more choice of new and exciting friends that often solid primary school friendships fracture wide open and people are left out.

Usually if there is only one child coming from a certain school the secondary school visit that child at their primary and as well as the usual transition day they do in year 6 they put on at least one extra morning for those not coming from feeder schools so they know they are not the only ones and there are familiar faces from the start.

This isn't purely about your child not knowing anyone as he is making friends. Schools are usually very aware of those coming up without primary friends and there are clubs they can steer these children toward as another way to make friends rather than just in form.

It is normal for a lot of children to be anxious about secondary, it is so different to primary, lots of new teachers, moving classrooms for every lesson and honestly, much taller and full sized adult children in years 10 and 11. They have gone from being the biggest/tallest in their primary to the shortest/smallest in their secondary. My children's secondary had a separate playground for years 7 and 8 due to size difference. Plus it had its own food truck for break time, it meant they could choose that rather than queuing at lunch with the older children.

If you can get him to school on time then help him, reassure him, do whatever it takes to keep him going in. Both my children attended a school where they knew no one. They made friends in the first couple of weeks and settled. You are only 5 days in, it should get better when he gets into the routine of it and it becomes more familiar. Maybe tell him you were nervous about your secondary school, talk to him about how you felt too. Make it normal that starting school or a job is nerve racking even as adults.

My mum picked for me, from primary and secondary. I begged to not go as I was bullied and all the kids that bullied me were going there. Naturally I was then bullied till 16. All because it was more convenient for her. Not me but her. Make that make sense.

My child that went up to high school 2024 intake had the only say we discussed the preferences, I had my opinion. But it was just an opinion and I banned him from picking the school I went to as that would have been the most convenient. He could choose any other.

he even switched his first choice 3 weeks before submission was due. I changed it because that’s his choice.

Please fill out a transfer form for him. You’re responsible for bad choices in regards to his education. Whereas if he was to make that same choice you’d be able to say work at it. But you can’t. He didn’t want to go In the first place. He told you! Hug your boy and admit that you were wrong and put it right whilst.

My mums fantastic but I still resent the choices she made on my behalf simply because it was more convenient for her.

I can assure you it does affect long term MH. 33 and still have trauma from my experiences as a child. Resent still my parents decisions because it was convenient for them