What to do with a bright child?

[Mumanddone]

I will be accused of bragging but I really am looking for genuine ideas here please.

4yo DD has started reception. She is in a private school. She can read fluently, writes and her maths skills are great. She is basically bilingual. She carries a conversation like a grown up - she’s hugely imaginative and great fun to talk to. She’s not some prodigy - she’s actually a bit of a silly little girl prone to not listening but she is objectively very very bright.

When I observe her peers, I don’t feel like they are on the same wavelength for the most part. Some of them are barely able to string a sentence together and they still seem to have very infantile form of expression. DD makes friends easily and is happy to play with anyone but at the same time - will this hold her back?

we decided for private school to boost her, but wondering if this is enough. I suppose there is a sliding scale to private education. Are there places better suited for her? Or is there something we should be doing to support her at home/ outside. She does the general run of clubs ie: drama, swimming etc.

I think at this age there is such a broad range of ability both academically and with emotional and social regulation. For now I would do nothing and focus on enrichment activities at home or joining clubs at weekends/after school.

As you are at a private school, there is usually more flexibility for moving up a year group. This was done at mine but certainly at a later stage at the senior school. My child currently attends a private school and I think I vaguely remember reading something along those lines as well when we first looked at the school, but don’t quote me on that! We haven’t reason to look into it and I can’t imagine they would do it at such a young age.

One of the benefits of private education is a more personalised approach and if you have concerns, I would speak to her teacher who will be able to provide more insight and advice.

My friends daughter was very advanced at 4. Stayed ahead till year 4 then hit a plateau. Mum tried to get her to start reception at 3, tried to find a school with good g&t provision. Tried boosting her with extra work to challenge her

Sats in year 6 were average, she got 3,4 &5 at gcse, C’s at A level and a llii degree so solid average consistently throughout her schooling

Mum still can’t come to terms with this and appealed results at every level, tells everyone that she only didn’t get lst as she had to do some work in a group and they held her dd back 🤷‍♂️

Id concentrate on letting her be a little girl and teaching her how to fail (v v important lesson - these kids struggle with failure). The other kids may or may not catch her up - there is literally no way of knowing

I certainly wouldn’t assume ND from your posts. I’ve got one very bright academically advanced NT one and one bright but struggles academically ND one. In terms of moving up years I wouldn’t be rushing into that at such a young age. Being with their peers is important, maybe not so much now but when they are in their older teens

I was. Myself and another boy could already read silently in our heads when we were 4. The two of us would read together in one corner of the classroom while the other kids had reading lessons and every so often the teacher would have us take it in turns to read out loud to her to make sure we were actually reading properly and understanding what we were reading.

I was supportive of your post until your everyone is a little bit on the spectrum comment. I am an autistic woman a Post Graduate Researcher.

You are Autistic or not. Pregnancy is the best analogy. If you are carrying a foetus you are pregnant. If you are not carrying a foetus you are not pregnant.

To suggest everyone is a little bit autistic is offensive, dismissive and ignorant. I expect better from a teacher. Some individuals with a higher academic ability are autistic and some are not. It is incredibly frustrating to be of a higher academic ability and recognise logically due to critical thinking skills that you cannot comprehend the social context naturally. No matter how many book or articles you read and try to practice you still struggle with the natural flow, which results in masking and exhaustion.

There is a reason being gifted and talented is considered to have elements of Autism and ADHD due to executive functioning skills being a challenge.

As an early reader who was not encouraged I recommend supporting your daughter to enjoy her childhood and explore the world in a way that enables her to be healthy so long as she is not harming herself or others.

How your child is around mum isn't necessarily how they are around others. For one, we view our own children with rose tinted specs! Her peers are probably much more talkative at home with their own families.

Also being verbose isn't actually a sign of exceptional academic intelligence. My niece was exactly as you describe at this age, but at 11 did not get into selective secondaries.

Just treat her as a normal little girl!

These posts always worry me, very bright, private school to boost her, on a different wavelength to her peers. It sounds like you are trying to create something that isn’t natural or needed. Let her be a child and enjoy life. What is your end goal with this, what are you hoping to achieve? Just by being ahead of the game at 4 does not mean you will continue that trajectory.

Whilst she sounds amazing , the other children will catch up in lots of ways by the end of reception.

I would relax enjoy the moment and not get het up by progress and ability . Just give her a happy secure childhood and count your blessings , of which you have many.

I once worked with an exceptionally academically bright lass but she was completely inept in social skills and was the dumbest smart person id ever encountered

I really really hate rhe snobbery and idea that the only way to mix with other bright children is at private school.

94 per cent of UK children (roughly) are at state schools

Many of the.brightest kids you could hope to meet...she will.never meet in private school

This is really good advice. Find the thing that she needs to persist at and has to use trial and error to succeed.

Hi Op, you describe my daughter who is now 17. She was the brightest in her class, leaps beyond her peers in all aspects for the majority of her school life. But, her peers did catch up, some of them after some time (like my son) and some this is happening now.

what I can say is, she’s 4, she’s bright but I learnt it doesn’t help to focus on this. My daughter was told by all, teachers, family and pretty much everyone how bright she was and she took this as her truth, meaning failure hit her hard, she felt like she had to achieve because everyone always told her she would.

Kids need to be kids, she will still be bright if you let her find her way, yes push a good work ethic and of course support her leaning, but let her be with her peers, it doesn’t matter if their communication skills are behind or even beyond, they all catch up.

It’s a balance but my advise is don’t let your daughter feel like she is the best at everything because when she finds something she is bad at, it will hurt.

It sounds like your DD is doing really well! I’d just let her be, and continue to support and encourage her interests. Also agree with posters who talk about the importance of learning to fail or be bored.

My son starts reception this week. He can also read (though not as fluently as your daughter), do basic maths and hold an intelligent conversation. Interestingly, we are moving him from a private state school to a state school as I feel very strongly that pressurising young children is a mistake, and I just want him to be a child, even if he’s not “stretched” so much academically. Obviously this won’t be true for every private school, but I was wary of the parents with extreme expectations and homework or tutoring for nursery age children. I think this way lies mental health trouble, unless this is very well managed.

I’ve been playing a lot of board games with my son because they are fun and also to teach him how to be a good loser. He is the oldest of three so naturally has had to learn to occupy himself some of the time, but I also consciously make sure he has plenty of time to be “bored” - I think this is when his creative side comes out. I also get him to help me with jobs around the house so that he knows the family work together, and it’s not just our job as parents to lay on a schedule for the children!

My daughter (14) is very bright, she has always been in a state school, we couldn't have afforded to do otherwise. She has just started year 10 and is predicted 8/9's for all her GCSEs.

She is in some respects 'different' to her peers, she takes a book to read on the bus (currently Homer's Iliad) rather than looking at her phone - all her choice, not something we've ever pushed. She has found her own interests, which for her are the classics, Latin and English Literature.

What I would say is this, for the rest of her life your daughter will be living in society and working within the breadth and depth of all that entails. Social skills, the ability to relate to those around her from all backgrounds are crucial skills. If you push your daughter in some way now, it is possible that by the time she is in her teens she may switch off from learning.

The greatest gift you can give her is the space and time to find herself, to grow her voice, to try new things and be allowed to fail and get it wrong sometimes. Allow the wonderful, precious daughter the space to become all that she can possibly be in the way that she needs to, rather than through pushing to something that fulfils your aspirations and missed opportunities.

How about a 'system' to ensure all aspects of being human are covered?

One example might be Gardener's theory of multiple intelligences (which is at best questionable non-scientific claptrap - but it is a framework)

Musical - self explanatory
Linguistic - covered
Logical/mathematical - covered by school, but maybe add chess games
Naturalist - get her growing and tending seeds all the way through to harvest/flowering, go for walks in nature, encourage her to name the trees and flowers, birdwatching.
Bodily/kinaesthetic - both gross motor skills, so gymnastics, sports and dance classes, as well as fine motor skills, so e.g. clay modelling, painting tiny figurines, or hand sewing projects
Interpersonal - covered by everyday socialising - keep an eye on this
Intrapersonal - can she explain how she is feeling? Tell you what her dreams might mean? Articulate her desires? Tell you what she was just thinking i.e. track her own thought processes?
Spatial - read maps, get a sense of direction, draw a plan of your house

Another system is 'body, mind, emotions, spirit'

The absolutely most critical and vital thing is that you don’t encourage her to develop a persona that is based on ‘cleverness’.

I cannot empathise enough how important this is!!!

As pp’s have said praise the effort not the outcome. Never, ever tell her that you are proud of how clever she is - when the day comes that she isn’t the ‘cleverest’ she will feel that a) she has let you down and b) if she isn’t clever what is she? If you want to reward her do it after the test but before the results.

Ensure that she encounters failure - and deal with it ‘you tried so hard even though you found it difficult’ make a gentle joke to help her own it) “I don’t think you will be an Olympic swimmer will you” with a hug. It’s not shameful to be rubbish at some things.

I have taught a number of children in secondary who were ‘top of the class’ and very advanced in primary. Some have found it incredibly challenging when work becomes harder and they can’t just do it. Being overtaken by others and having to rebuild your persona if it was entirely based on being the cleverest is tough, I’ve seen it happen. Some are genuinely distressed when they get feedback - it’s always a good thing and a thing to work on. They perceive feedback as criticism and it can massively knock their self-esteem. I would think that as a teacher you would know this? Some can start to find relationships with their peers as they may start to think that they are ‘better’ than them and cute precociousness can become arrogance as they get older, which no-one likes.

She will have smaller classes and thus more teacher attention in private system - and more extra curricular activities avaliable. Plus she had two parents in education - one of who taught phonis/reading to her.

Frankly she has quiet a leg up already and while OP should have pleanty of books and provide lots of hobbies and wider activies/days out - honesty OP needs to relax and enjoy her child.

Borad games - loads out there inlcuding group work ones-- days out musums/art gallery/theraters - help her persuit any hobbies - music crafts/painting - swimming lessons- local groups like dance- house full of variety of books - to me that's just basic parenting.

If she shows signs of perfectionism being an issue or being brightest is becoming part of her indentity then OP needs to step in - she also needs to praise effort not results so much but at minute she just needs to have fun with her child and if she shows interest in something to faciliate that as much as her resources allow.

I think OP you need to relax a bit - it's marthon not a sprint - and she doing well already - so really not sure what else you want - the other kids will likely catch up and be better "stimulation" for her very quickly - as they probbaly haven't had parents teaching phonics before school and their vocabulary will expand as they age and read more.

Yeah let her be 4! I went up a class from year 6 to year 7 because they thought I’d be able to cope academically as they’d accidentally put me in the wrong class when moving from England to Scotland (I’d moved when I was 8). It didn’t do me any good emotionally as all the girls were more mature when I went to high school and I struggled with friends! Also my best friend in primary stopped speaking to me and I missed out on a load re being the oldest in the class! Also I came third academically but wouldn’t give me a prize as I’d not done the whole year and gave it to someone else. Missed out on being captain of netball team so all has implications if you try to hurry stuff!

Just provide her access to loads of books. Maybe a musical instrument in a year or two. If children are genuinely that bright they’ll thrive and fulfill their potential without parents running a mental marathon on their behalf.

@Mumanddone so I am like you very bright but lazy and probably didn’t realise my potential!

DD was like yours at 4, went to Grammar school at 11 got brilliantly GCSE results (pretty much all 9s) but has still ended up like me. She has changed sixth form decided 4 a levels is too much hard work (even though maths would be a cakewalk) because she wants to spend her free periods chatting with her friends (perhaps the stories of my college life were a mistake)

but she is happy and relaxed loves the idea of sixth form has loads of friends

follow her lead

That’s how I learned to read fluently by the age of four, led to some interesting situations when I pronounced words in the course of conversation that I had read and understood the meaning of but had never heard spoken. The heartfelt sentence “I’m innokent, I denny it.” when unfairly accused of some wrongdoing, haunted my childhood!!!

I probably learned to read by memorising much loved stories as they were read to me , then “reading” them for myself and associating the printed word with the story I knew.

Agree. Parents get carried away….I’d parent a very bright child just the same as a more “average” child. Access to loads of books suited to their level and with a variety of interests. Musical instruments. Limiting screen time. Lots of outdoor play. Etc.

Ds was very bright. He got 13 A* at gcse and read very early. However they also have to learn to develop comprehension so it is simply not enough to just read the words. He was very good at maths etc but we made sure he had opportunities in sport, musical instruments and activities. He was interested in the world and enjoyed geography and history. We played lots of games. I do really agree with learning to fail. When he got to A levels he certainly met others who were also bright and he had to learn to learn a bit as it stopped coming so easily.

I have an extremely naturally bright DS. He could read (self taught, we still don’t really understand how) when he was 2 and was doing maths problems (again, self taught) when he was 3 (he would take his older brother’s homework).

He has always been at a state school and they have stretched him academically through intervention groups etc but more importantly, they have focused on teaching him resilience and what to do when you can’t do something. I have really appreciated that as I could see him getting to his degree for example and just walking away if he found something hard because he never finds anything hard (he’s also sporty and finds it easy to make friends etc).

I think the point someone makes above about what your expectation are is wise - we didn’t want him to get bored at school and his teachers have made sure he isn’t, he is very into one particular sport and that’s where his focus is and we support that rather than pushing him to put all his effort into academics. Ultimately we want him to have choices and be happy.

My daughter was told by all, teachers, family and pretty much everyone how bright she was and she took this as her truth, meaning failure hit her hard, she felt like she had to achieve because everyone always told her she would.

This is a bit like the above sentiment, although coming from a slightly different angle.

I am thinking of a girl, now around 10, who is bright, but whose 'world centre' is a very physical sport in which it is possible to compete at very high levels, while still at a young age. The parents have poured everything into training for this for around 4 years, which means that she is now both extremely strong for her age but also always restless and 'needing' the 3 or 4 hour sessions that keep her trained up. She is excellent, but not 'top 3' consistently in her group and possibly not a dead cert for the Olympics et. al. By contrast, there isn't a lot of space for other planned fun activities for her age groups, which are more social and probably less pressured or subject to specific competition standards.

What comes out is rather a 'main character syndrome', coupled with behaviour that suggests a great dependence on (and rather a desire to control and to be always in the gaze of) parents when things don't work well with peers, as well as some loneliness. Peer issues have been on and off, including within the sport. Trying one secondary activity that was also rather physical - because it's her thing - quickly went to 'Oh, she's capable of competing...' and going down rather a similar route towards very independent performance, that depends on pushing pressure up and up and turning the follow spot on her again for the main character syndrome that peers will get quickly fed up of.

It's possible to make some parts of life incredibly advanced while others stay just the opposite, in an only girl. Even doing a diverse range of things that seem trivial, unimportant, 'fun', will give her the knowledge of what people need to do to have a peer group; why that will enrich you; and that it is normal not always to be the prima donna even if all give you the impression you are superior.