Which school would you choose for your AhDHD child?

[AllGonePeteTong1]

Really spinning about what to do regarding secondary school for DD2. She has a recent diagnosis of ADHD and Autism. She's needed a lot of help to cope in primary, socially and academically. She is bright but has poor working memory and slow processing so is just scraping into 'meeting expectations'. She's struggled with friendship issues and has sensory issues with uniform and finding the classroom too loud. She has regular meltdowns at home. I'm very concerned about how she will cope at secondary, which is why we're in the process of getting her an EHCP (about to start the assessment). The options are as follows:

Option 1: Local mainstream state co-ed secondary. Pros: Sister already there. 10 minute walk. All her friends will be going. Very high achieving school and Ofsted Outstanding. Good for music and drama, which DD is interested in. Has a specialist autism unit although it's only open to those funded via EHCP (only 4 places so unlikely my DD will get a place even with an EHCP). Cons: VERY strict, particularly about uniform which I'm very concerned about given DD2's sensory issues. Questionable pastoral care (based on my older DD's experience). Reputation for not being great for lower level SEN needs. Poor transition support in year 7.

Option 2: Mainstream state girls school. Pros: will know a couple of people there. Likely to be calmer environment given no boys. Good reputation for SEN support, pastoral care and excellent transition arrangements. No tie requirement (a big plus for DD). Also Ofsted Outstanding. Decent results though not as strong as option 1. Cons: 50 minute walk or two bus rides away. Single sex, which DD isn't so keen on. Very large school, which could be overwhelming.

Option 3: Very small independent school with high proportion of kids with SEN. Pros: Very positive ethos about finding the best in every child rather than being an exam factory. Homely feel, which would suit DD, small class sizes and exceptional SEN support e.g. onsite OTs, therapy/sensory room, one-to-one tuition - although this comes with an extra cost). Very nurturing. I think academically DD would flourish in this kind of environment. Cons: A 50 minute bus journey away so tiring and no local friends; small number of girls (used to be boys' school); would mean a very long school day; and the biggie - the expense. It's affordable assuming my business continues to do well, but would mean a big evaluation of our financial plans (e.g. retiring much later). Also worried it would fuel resentment between DD1 and DD2, which is already a very strained relationship.

We're obviously going to attend all school open days, speak to the Senco and see what DD feels most comfortable with, but would be really interested to hear people's experience who have had similar dilemmas!

Similar to our situation! Is the private school competitive to get into? If not, you could try state first and then move if she doesn’t cope. Also you could move at year9 when the gcse focus begins. Between the 2 state options choose 2 due to bring all girls and the benefits it would bring including pastoral.

private school is a huge expense and commitment. If you could delay it, you can at least minimise the overall cost.

Almost exactly my situation a few years ago. We chose school 3. DD1 already at school 1. Gave DD1 the option to move but she chose not to. It has definitely been the right choice for DD2. Her needs became much more apparent at secondary compared to primary, which is very common for neurodivergent girls.

Thank you for your replies. @FitnessIsTheOnlyWealth the private school isn't competitive to get into - we wouldn't consider one that was (which limits our options considerably for private schools!). We were thinking we could use it as a back up if state doesn't work. Just not sure if that's setting her up to fail...? But yes, it's maybe an option whilst we're waiting for the EHCP to be decided on.

@UnbeatenMum Thanks for sharing our experience. We wouldn't be able to send both DDs to private, hence my hesitation. Although the school we are consideration (option 3) wouldn't suit DD1 at all, even though she's not that happy at her current school (option 1). DD2's needs are so much greater since she started going through puberty - I can imagine they will only get greater...and year 5 was hard enough.

As the parent of an AuDHD kid whose mental health has been utterly destroyed by the overcrowded, underfunded mainstream system (even with an EHCP), I’d give anything to be able to afford the fees for somewhere small and nurturing. Option 3, no question.

Hi, just to say, I was very worried about my ADHD daughter when she went into y7 into a school that sounds like very like option 1. The school so far has turned out to be great, there are lots of clubs she enjoys (art, music etc) and has formed more friendships. The school are responsive and have a good SEN set up (despite reputations). As your option 1, has autism unit, they might actually be well placed to provide support, without the EHCP?

My DD was actually keen to go so I didn't push other options. Long story short, it was much better than I expected. She's going into y9 and is looking forward to starting back. Good luck ☺️

I am autistic and so are both my children (now Uni age and going into year 10). We chose option 3, it’s expensive (particularly for two) but we could manage and it’s been worth it. Amazing grades and both kids are flourishing socially.

Option 3 if you can afford it. Option 1 sounds like a nightmare and I would never send a girl that struggles with social communication to an all girls school.

Im not sure why option 3 would damage the relationship between the girls? Is DD1 NT? In which case I would be extremely disappointed if a child of mine resented any SEN student, let alone their own sibling, for their need for accommodations. That’s really unpleasant. ND people have things very hard. She should be grateful she doesn’t have those challenges, not resent them getting the support they need.

Thank you, that's really good to hear.

What does your daughter want to do? I think that is also quite important with an AuDHD girl because they can need that friendship to rely on.

If my daughter wanted to go to option 1, then we would agree but reconsider towards the end of each term with option 3 being the back up. Given you are going for an EHCP anyway, I would probably name option 3 on it when you get the draft and see how things go.

Will option 1 really not have any leeway with regards to uniform reasonable adjustments? Do you have any legal help with your EHCP? I’d be checking that with anyone helping you and getting it written into the plan if necessary.

Not school 1.

i would probably try school 2.
if free is good then great. If not then school 3.

Would the unit be suitable for DD? Depending on how quickly you can get the ehcp done if you can get the unit named they will likely have to take her even if they are "full" (this is DS' SENCOs thoughts, they have a unit at their school)

Option 3 does sound good but I would do everything possible to offer it to dd1 also, being the "glass child" to a sibling with SEN wont be easy and if she's "not that happy" at #1 that would be tough for her.

Option 2 actually sounds quite good but understand why she thinks single sex might be hard

This is a bit unrealistic. Kids don't see their siblings as their diagnosis, they see them as their annoying brother or sister who gets way more attention/ an easier ride than them, especially if the diagnosis is really recent. Being disappointed in your child for having normal feelings is likely to be counterproductive. It's hard having a sibling at the best of times, never mind one with much greater needs than you. That's something to sympathetically work on with your kid, not to be "extremely disappointed" they're not a perfect paragon during adolescence.

Saying that, I agree on the options, option 3 if at all possible. We've had the same type of decision to make with our AuDHD son, only no option 3 in our area. We got around it by going overseas so he's at a small private international school with good SEN support. First day today but we're hopeful!

School 1 doesn’t sound like a good option. I would avoid. They could be forced to make reasonable adjustments to the uniform, but their attitude tells you a lot about their ethos and attitude.

I would worry about school 2 being an all girls' school.

Is option 3 willing to be named in a potential EHCP? Wholly independent schools have to agree. Obviously, they wouldn’t know the content, so their answer may change, but some independent schools are more enthusiastic than others about being named in EHCPs in general.

I would be wary of the financial side of school 3 given your post. During the time DD2 will be at secondary, DD1 will be university age. If DD1 goes to university, it sounds like your income is at a level her loan will be reduced because of your income and you will be expected to top up. Can you afford that if you are funding school fees? If not, the resentment issue will be so much worse. Have you considered finances in the longer term? Fees and the cost of additional support will rise. If you didn’t get an EHCP, got an EHCP but only with an appeal or appeals, got an EHCP but didn’t get the school named, or only got the school named via appeal could you afford the fees and additional support (which may be more than you realise) for school 3 for the whole of secondary school or until any potential appeal (which if you have to appeal refusal to assess, refusal to issue and the placement/content could be a long time)?

If a school is named in the EHCP, transport can be provided. Sometimes LA like to include a line about the school only being named as parental preference so parents are responsible for transport, but that can sometimes successfully be challenged. This SENTAS page and this IPSEA page explain more about the transport issue. Until the point where transport is provided, could you transport DD if she can’t manage the journey to school 2&3 herself?

Placements can be named even if they are full unless they are so full the LA can prove it is incompatible with the efficient education of others or use of resources. That is a high bar. Although, for the majority of units within mainstreams schools, the mainstream school is named in I and the provision provided by the unit included in F. This is because the majority of units are not separate registered institutions.

My view number 2 then 1 then 3 (they can off roll children if private independent schools if they don’t fit / won’t do well in exams even with an EHCP) they don’t have to be too inclusive if the head decides on their rules of their school and it doesn’t fit with your child it will be a good bye

Option 3 has a large proportion of kids with EHCPs so I don't think this is a risk. DD2 doesn't have behavioural issues so I think we'd be fine. We wouldn't consider a school that was concerned about exam results.

Yes, that's my concern about the uniform - for a school that has a specialist autism unit, their lack of flexibility on the uniform is very odd and I think really does seem to reflect the culture. Thank you for the info on transport policies

I’d say the best secondary school for an ADHD child really depends on their individual needs and the options local to you, but there are some things I’d look out for when visiting:

Size and atmosphere – smaller, calmer schools (or ones with smaller class sizes) often work better. Structure and routine are usually a big help.

SEN support – check how strong their SEN provision is, and make sure the SENCO is approachable and experienced with ADHD. Ask what practical support is in place (teaching assistants, movement breaks, exam adjustments, etc).

Pastoral care – does the school offer mentoring, nurture groups, or somewhere quiet your child can go if they feel overwhelmed?

Approach to behaviour – you want positive behaviour support, not a school that just hands out detentions without looking at the root cause.

Communication – good schools will keep parents involved with regular updates.

Word of mouth from other parents is often more useful than Ofsted, so if you can, speak to families with ADHD kids already at the school. For some children, mainstream with solid SEN provision works well, but if needs are higher then a specialist setting (or a mainstream school with an attached resource base) might be a better fit.

When you go to open evenings, I’d recommend meeting the SENCO, asking how they support ADHD pupils day to day, and seeing what the classrooms actually feel like. That gives you a clearer picture than the prospectus.

We had exactly this scenario 5 years ago, our story might help you decide. DD wasn't diagnosed with ASD at that point ,but something wasn't quite right and she was fairly anxious IYSWIM.

Anyway we also thought the rowdy option 1 would be too much for her, and from her older brother's experience the pastoral care was not great, so we sent her to the option 2, which was one bus ride away. She struggled in the all girls environment, but she did make a couple of friends. The added complexity was COVID, so there were masks one-way routes around school, windows open (which compounded her sensory issues). She pleaded with me to leave, and her mental health by that time was poor.

We didn't feel we could afford private school for years, so in yr 9 we sent her to a different co-ed, where she didn't thrive, but they made more adjustments (like a shorter school day) and she limped out with 8 GCSEs. She was turned down twice for an EHCP.

Now we're paying for her to attend a local, small independent school for 6th form, that she can walk to. It has a homely feel and I hope she has a good time. We feel we could afford 2 years of fees. Let's hope she doesn't look back at her entire school career as a horror story!

Thank you for sharing this. I really hope your DD gets on well with her new sixth form.

Us too, she starts tomorrow!!

The inflexibility displayed by some schools who have units within the mainstream school is partly why units don’t work for all. They are ultimately still part of the mainstream school with everything that entails, including the overwhelming and sensory environment. This is especially the case if it is one of the units that expects a higher level of attendance in mainstream lessons &/or one with less flexibility about when/what lessons are spent in the unit vs MS or other aspects of school life.

That sounds very similar to the choices I'm looking at for my DD (although she already has an ehcp and we're in year 5). So much so in fact that I wonder if we're in the same area. In our case we've ruled out the private school as a)unless we can get it funded through the ehcp we can't afford it and b)she has had some behaviour issues in the past, and while it hasn't been for a while, private schools have very very low tolerance of such things if they do re-emerge.
Of those I'd probably go for school 2, though if you are in the same area as me have a look at the other autism base (obviously subject to ehcp) and investigate transport.

Do not go for option 1. It will not be the best for her, despite how convenient it is. The other two seem good choices.