DD starting high school

[Percypigsyumyum]

Hi,

My eldest DD is starting high school and has had two taster days this week (10am-1pm). She doesn’t know any other girls in her tutor group and has struggled to get chatting to girls who seem to be in big groups from primary. When she got home today she was in tears worried she wouldn’t make any friends…
please just reassure me that it will get better?…

It will get better. Please also email her form tutor and head of year, so that they can keep an eye on her and help her find friends.

I was in this position fifty years ago. My two best friends, in another tutor group, and I went to see the head of year and got me moved to their group One of the two is still one of my best friends.

Both my children went to a secondary where none of their primary friends went. They made friends in the first 2 weeks, those friends are still their friends, they are now young adults.

Give her some conversation openers, she can introduce herself, possibly say what school she came from then ask them about theirs. Most of the time it is mundane school lesson talk in the lesson then tagging along at break or lunch. Get her to practise looking in a mirror, fake it to you make it sort of thing.

Ds2 walked around the playground at break and then lunch so that he didn't stand on his own, just looked like he was heading somewhere. There were also lots of lunch time clubs, you got a sticker that meant you could queue jump the lunch line, nice incentive and worked to encourage children to try clubs and meet people.

I would contact her form tutor and head of year just to give them a heads up.

Tell her to look out for anyone else who is on her own, and strike up a conversation.

She probably won't be the only person who doesn't know anyone, or who hasn't come up with her own particular friends. There'll probably be a lot of changing around of friendships in the first few weeks, or even longer, as people get to know each other.

Will she be with the girls in her tutor group for all her lessons, or will they be mixed with girls from other groups?

(I spent most of my first year at secondary getting to know people; it was only in my second year I really settled down into real lasting friendships.)

She'll get to know people she's sitting next to in lessons (when they'll usually be sat in pairs, so there won't be the "group" problem), and she'll probably soon make some friends. Encourage her to be brave about "Are you going to the canteen? Can I tag along with you?" and "Can I walk with you to French because I'm not sure where it is?" Also tell her to keep an eye out for anyone else who looks to be on their own, and be the one to reach out.
It's maybe worth flagging with her form tutor that she's apprehensive - they may be pro-active in making sure the kids mix up and don't just stick in their primary groups. They'll also know if they have any others on their own.

In some ways they do better if they're not with friends from primary - there's always tears from the girls in about term 3 when new friendships mean new "besties" and the old bestie is abandoned (or at least feels it).

DD was only one from her primary school to go to her secondary. Within the first week she had made a couple of friends, and whilst those friendships didn't last, by end of first term she had made a close friendship group with 5 others. Going into Yr 9 now and they are still tight friends.

Your DD will make friends but maybe prepare her for shifts in those friendship groups during the first year. Even if they go up from primary together, most won't still be friends by end of first term and it can actually reduce the drama by not moving up with friends.

Thank you so much for all the input. We have a couple of days now before Monday to chat, role play and just put in place a positive frame of mind with some of your suggestions.
i know I’m biased, but my daughter is a lovely person and I’m just desperate for the other girls in her class to
give her a chance 😆 I’m very hopeful that next week will be more positive for her and work on a few ways for her to get talking or at least have someone to have lunch with.

Like attracts like in my experience. So she will also attract lovely people.

Maybe chat about not being desperate to fit in and be 1 of the "popular" ones ie build her self worth so she doesn't feel desperate to be in that group because from experience, that's where the drama lies!