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What if I can't get him to apply to college? (and other issues)

8 replies

AngelicAbout · 21/08/2025 23:21

Please read this thread for my background (filter by OP posts) https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5392561-grandson-living-with-me-and-im-struggling?page=1

My grandson is 16, he's 17 at the end of the month and lives with my full time, my son lives elsewhere and has autism and his own mental health issues. He may be moving in due to being evicted. Mum not in the picture, social services deemed he was unsafe living with her. I suspect he's autistic but he won't talk about it, says nothings wrong with him etc. I also worry for his mental health he threatens suicide usually to get his own way (money from his dad) but he does self harm. He refused school etc. Again this will be detailed in the thread I've linked.

I tried to get him to open days at the college multiple times but he always refused. I was advised to take him today and talk to them about a course I think is suitable (I also posted this in the linked thread). Anyway, hes totally nocturnal. Yesterday morning he agreed to go today with a “whatever” but then he went out, smoked weed and went to sleep in the afternoon because he hadn't yet slept. I went into him this morning and he was awake on his PC but said he couldn't go, he felt really sick. It turns out he'd eaten a whole trifle when he woke up, he said he ripped the whole lid off of it so he had to force himself to eat it all or it’d have been wasted. He's been asleep since this afternoon again. Enrollment for 16-18 is also tomorrow so we can try again but what happens if he doesn't go? I already have other worries about the self harm, his sleep, his eating etc. I don't know what to do I feel in failing both him and my son as my son is now suicidal about the eviction

Sorry this doesn't make much sense, I'm rush typing and ill reply to any questions tomorrow. Any advice will be appreciated. Please don't suggest social services though as he won't engage and they won't do much at his age.

Grandson living with me and I'm struggling | Mumsnet

Posting here for traffic My son briefly dated a woman for a few months and ended up having grandson (16, 17 at the end of the month). His mum was his...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5392561-grandson-living-with-me-and-im-struggling?page=1

OP posts:
MamaElephantMama · 21/08/2025 23:29

This may be irrelevant to your circumstances but any child benefit and child elements to UC will stop if he isn’t in full time education.

Is there anyone who can have a conversation with him about getting back on track? Sleeping in is a vicious circle.
See a GP for a referral regarding the weed smoking.

I wish I could be more help.

AngelicAbout · 21/08/2025 23:44

Unfortunately, he won't engage with the GP. My son funds him with the weed, he lies and says we have no food in etc. I did try and call the GP the other day but they wouldn't book an appointment or anything due to his age and not having his consent. CAMHS referral was done but tbh he will probably be 18 before we even get an appointment. RE sleep, he's on his PC gaming all the time, he barely leaves the house unless its a quick trip to tesco a 5 minute walk away (this is when he buys the weed too)

OP posts:
AngelicAbout · 22/08/2025 02:49

Hopeful bump

OP posts:
KeepCalmAndCarryOnScrolling · 22/08/2025 04:35

This is the final day and your last chance.
Is he asleep now?
You have to remove the phone now.
Bribe him tomorrow, if you have to.
Start nagging to get him up at 10am to leave at midday.

AngelicAbout · 22/08/2025 08:05

He's usually on his PC, not his phone but he's very protective over it and hates me just going in his room so I can't really take it. He woke me up before I bumped the thread by walking around I have no idea what time he actually woke up.

He's sat playing on his PC now and still adamant he's not going, I worry the course I found will now be full anyway unfortunately because it did seem to suit him

OP posts:
ByQuaintAzureWasp · 22/08/2025 08:20

Can you work with your son on this or will he just carry on enabling grandson's behaviour?
My parents would simply have not allowed this. I'd have been made to get up in the morning and they'd turn the WiFi off overnight, they would not have given me a penny. I'd have been asked to leave if I didn't co-operate.
I do feel for you, sounds like a nightmare tbh.

AngelicAbout · 22/08/2025 08:26

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 22/08/2025 08:20

Can you work with your son on this or will he just carry on enabling grandson's behaviour?
My parents would simply have not allowed this. I'd have been made to get up in the morning and they'd turn the WiFi off overnight, they would not have given me a penny. I'd have been asked to leave if I didn't co-operate.
I do feel for you, sounds like a nightmare tbh.

They don't really have a relationship, grandson is angry about my son moving him away from his friends and where they used to live 2 years ago. He promised they would move down for college but that obviously hasn't happened and my son had no intention of it, it was a throwaway comment and he hoped before then grandson would've made friends here. My grandson doesn't reply to his messages unless it's asking for money. He doesn't come out his room when he's over (this is the norm tbh; he barely even leaves his room anyway).

Turning the wifi off wouldn't do anything as he has data and can hotspot, plus I WFH so it isn't feasible. He's awake now and could go but he's refusing and I obviously can't force him, my son said he'd come over because he was going to go with us but I don't know if that would help or make it worse.

OP posts:
KeepCalmAndCarryOnScrolling · 22/08/2025 09:38

It's just gone half past nine.
Make him a brew, go in and remind him that he'd agreed to go and what would he like to wear.
Lay out his options as he has no plan B.
You cannot force him to do anything no, but this has to be where you draw the line. It has to be the gamechanger.
His Dad and you will not be able to wrangle an unwilling adult. But if the change isn't made now, then nothing changes.

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