4 year old enjoyed preschool but didn't cope - is this possible?

[ADailyKitchenDiscoIsNeeded]

My little one went to preschool a couple of days per week last year. The staff were adamant he enjoyed it, he certainly seemed to enjoy spending time with his friends. He also has lots of friends outside of preschool who we see regularly and he gets along with. He never appeared to join in with activities though - just running around with his group of friends. He is not diagnosed with any SEND, but does have quite rigid / inflexible thinking and ways of play.

However, his 'after school restraint collapse' that I keep hearing about lasted days - every waking moment from returning home to the next time he went a couple of days later, was filled with tears, tantrums, aggression towards me, dad and sibling. He was utterly exhausted, couldn't do a single thing after he came home (e.g. can't go to a park, shop, see family, play without it being filled with screaming and shouting, this was also the same the day after he'd been). He is a summer born and still naps at least once per day aged 4.

I haven't managed to find anyone with any experience like this before. Is there anyone that has been through this and knows what was going on? Is it possible to enjoy something and still not be coping with it? Or is it a 'mask' for something else?

I have arranged part time primary school but honestly the thought and worry of him going there and having the entire time he is at home being like this again is making me ill. Our family life was just filled with this distress. I have no idea what is going on with him or how to help him. He has been a different child the last few weeks, I don't think there's been a single tear or tantrum since preschool ended. We're having a lovely, lovely summer together.

How much sleep is he getting at night? I’m wondering if he isn’t getting enough and is using the naps to balance it out but it is just a stain on preschool days.

What is he like if he doesn’t nap in the day? Could you move his bedtime earlier and drop the naps to see if that makes a difference?

Edit: duplicate post.

Why have you chosen part time school instead of delaying his start altogether? I'd be contacting admissions and seeing if you can still delay.

Yes, my DD was exactly like this. Absolutely “fine” at school, then completely disregulated at home.

I suspect she has ADHD (maybe autism too) and masked all day at school. Some of the conversations we’ve had have been brilliantly awful - in one I asked her what she’d do at school if she didn’t know the answer and she just said “copy the person next to me”. Absolutely no comprehension that copying wouldn’t solve the problem, because for her it did solve the problem of getting through the lesson without being “different”. Friendships at school always appeared fine on the surface, but once they got mobile phones and I could read their messages, DD just didn’t understand the undertone or nuances of the conversations. On the surface she’d sent a reasonable reply, but in reality her replies all just slightly missed the mark.

DD is amazing at masking. She follows and copies and mimics, and to anyone not watching extremely closely she looks completely “normal”. Then she comes home and collapses.

As she has got older she has identified two main ways of processing the collapse as soon as she comes home, which makes life so so so much easier. She literally gets out of the car, wordlessly, and heads straight to one of the two activities and doesn’t come back until her head is clearer. She was probably about 8 when I noticed her need to do one of these two things whenever she has been out of the home for more than the shortest time, and I now prioritise that “collapse” time because I know DD (and therefore the rest of us!) will then have a calmer time of it afterwards.

I don’t have any words of wisdom about getting through the primary school years. I certainly don’t feel like we solved the school issue for DD, more that we all just survived it. I would recommend speaking to the school about the severity of the after school collapse - with expert masking they likely won’t know there’s an issue unless you tell them. If you do speak to them about it, describe it all in objective detail so they can try to help. It is really easy to begin to see your own family as normal lose sight of how severe the collapse episodes are. School might be able to refer to help from various agencies (which have helped me along the way, been nonjudgmental, and definitely not parent-blaming!), and if they’re really good they might be able to help your DC while in school. Part-time hours, small teddy in the pocket, fidget toys, quiet space, special signal to the TA to ask for time out, quiet pick up 5 mins early to avoid the noisy playground, squash in the water bottle instead of water, one-to-one talk through the plan for the day at the start of each day, visual timetable near his peg at school, option for quiet play instead of playground mania at lunchtime …. there are loads of options for tweaking the day to make it less demanding. My problem was that my DD didn’t want to be different in any way at all and so chose to mask instead of take up any of the options that might have brought relief.

Good luck And don’t hesitate to speak to the school early on and be a bit persistent if they try to pass things off as normal teething problems when you know it is more severe than that.

This sounds so difficult @ADailyKitchenDiscoIsNeeded 💐

I have a 4.5yo DS (Nov 2020 born) and he goes to nursery 2.5 days per week (half day then 2 full days, all in a row). By the end of the second full day he’s definitely tired and struggles. I don’t plan anything for after nursery that day - although it is 5.30 by that time to be fair so he’s ready just to chill.

I’d say for the last 3ish months we’ve also been dealing with hitting and tantrums. Never other children or adults, only ever me and his dad. He seems to do it when there’s any heightened emotions at all. We’ve never dealt with anything like this from him before and I’m hoping it’s just a phase while we help him figure out how to deal with emotions.

I think this is fairly normal. We used to have a tirade of abuse and screaming from my ds once he got in the car because he could just let it all out with us. A lot was actually food related. They offered a lot of food at nursery but I he chatted so much he probably didn't eat enough.

I should also add, we’re in Scotland so being a winter born he’d have been one of the youngest in his primary school class. I’m not sure that his emotions are quite ready for the transition yet so I have deferred him for a year so he’ll start next August rather than this month.

DD2 seemed fine in school. I would say she was anxious, they would say 'oh no, she's so happy!' Her mask was to bounce on her toes and grin.

She had lots of struggles that we tried to manage, but school didn't see it, so thought I was just being overprotective.

Long story short, she was diagnosed with ASD at 11, limped through the first years of secondary school, then burned out in year 10. She went through the EHCP process, was placed in an independent special school for a year that didn't meet her needs, then had a year of EOTAS (Education Otherwise than at School), and now is in an independent special school that gives 1:1 staffing with bespoke timetables.

@JamesWebbSpaceTelescopehe sleeps well, 12 hours at night, 1.5-2 hours in the day. Still not enough. If we go anywhere especially stimulating, he’d do an extra hour or more. (I have to counteract this with my other child who sleeps 9 broken hours a day at best at 2 years old…). He is needing a sleep by 10am daily so this had a huge impact with preschool as his nap there was inevitably short. He’s had blood tests, everything is fine, I think he just gets extremely overstimulated.

He’s knackered! We don’t all have the same energy levels as adults, so why should we expect it of kids ? He’s also quite young, and perhaps is being disturbed by his younger sibling ( because you are).

As he seems to be fine socially, does he have to go to these obviously exhausting days? it doesn’t sound as if preschool is going to teach him anything except that going is tiring and distressing.

@allthesmallthingsareherebecause preschool insisted he was thriving. I could happily home educate at least for the year (although I know as he’s not CSA it’s not technically home ed, just play and have fun!) as I’m an ex-teacher / part time work on a night, but since they said he was having a great time I felt compelled. Now I’m dreading sending him.

@HappyAsASandboythat is very interesting. Coping mechanisms we don’t have, he is still little and I’m still trying to figure out what’s going on. I’m really pleased for you that you’ve found a way for things to be calmer, it must have been a rough few years. You’ve given me loads of ideas there too, thank you.

@MousehiI think the food thing is common isn’t it, they are so busy wanting to play. He didn’t used to eat loads at preschool because he wanted to play, but I always gave him plenty of food when he came home and it just continued into the next day so that’s why I started to wonder if it was something more.

@JustAMum35definitely the emotional side isn’t it. He’s a confident sociable boy who loves jumping and running about so I think people maybe get a different perception to him. He’s also very sensitive and enjoys a calm and quiet space.

@LougleI am so sorry you have experienced such a tough few years but what great news she’s at a school that can meet her needs now. That sounds so difficult, especially if you sort of knew but school planted seeds of doubt that it was you being over protective. I strongly suspect masking by being overly giddy and using certain body language. Totally different kid to when I’m around, I do question whether it’s me though.

Thank you very much everyone for replying. It’s much appreciated.

@AllthegoodnamesarechosenI know, he’s absolutely shattered. I just don’t know why. He’s finished preschool now and is a different kid. It’s what to do about September, whether to make him go and deal with the struggle, keep him back even though socially he’s great and appears to enjoy himself or send him part time (think possibly harder, confusing and he’d have to catch up on missed phonics etc, the school would said they’d sit him down on the days he’s in by himself as they wouldn’t accept he’d learnt it from me!).

I doesn’t sound as though it’s you, it sounds as though he’s struggling in Preschool and having meltdowns at home.

You’ve had some great tips already. I’d just add taking a snack with you when you pick him up. This really helped my DD as she couldn’t deal with the end of the school day, the noise and the people, and hunger at the same time. She also found watching tv at home helped her regulate, often the same programmes.

Did Preschool suggest doing the 4 year Social & Emotional Assessment? If not, I would do that and see how he scores.

It does sound as though it might be worth applying for an ECHP. This simple progress checker should tell you whether the ECHP should include SaLT