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How do you know what's right?

16 replies

BreathingDeep · 16/07/2025 14:02

I have three children, two of which are still at school. My daughters are about to start years 9 and 10, and my eldest has already graduated from uni.

My girls' secondary school was previously in a bad way but was then taken over by a new trust which promised the world. We gave it a lot of consideration and everything they were saying really resonated with us. We recognised that many schools go through cycles of performing badly but then get pulled up by the bootstraps, and we'd hoped that this would be the case.

Both girls wanted to attend this particular school, and we were of the mindset that happy children can learn anywhere. It feels like this has now come back to bite us. The education side really does feel like it's lacking, and it sounds like there are real discipline issues and attendance issues more widely. It's undersubscribed, so is the school where children also end up if they've been removed from other schools.

On the academic side, despite being in Years 8 and 9, DDs don't have regular homework, or are encouraged to do any independent study or even read at home, and neither seems to be stretched or are encouraged to strive for better grades that I can see. They're both doing alright, but I can't help but feel that they're invisible as they're not straight A students or pains in the backside and just sit, with many, somewhere in the middle.

Socially, they haven't had a particularly happy time there either - they've both been bullied and experienced some horrible friendship issues and both have struggled with their mental health since being there. To give it its due, the school has responded well, and made changes (some quickly, some dragging their heels), but it's a place where children are mocked and judged relentlessly by their peers and both girls are always mindful of what people will say. It's not a school where it's cool to be clever, do well or try hard - like many, I know.

So we're now at a point where we have to make a decision. Both girls know these are critical years for their education and they both want to do well. We have a couple of choices: keep them at the school they're at but pay for extra support from tutors to give them a boost, and engage as much as possible with the teachers to support them at home as much as we can.

Or move them. There are no other options within state schools locally - they're either much the same regarding results or there are no places, or they're a terrible fit (a very highly thought of Catholic school which seems to get amazing results but crushes kids' spirits). So we've explored private options, and there is one that ticks the boxes perfectly. It gets fantastic results, but the focus is on creating well-rounded adults. I've spoken with parents whose children go there and they talk about the environment - how supportive it is, how children cheer each other on and want to do well, rather than being mocked or bullied if they try hard. There's a lot of pros, and a handful of cons - not least the move itself, the cost and the distance. The current school is walkable, and the new one is a 25-min drive, but absolutely doable.

We would be looking at two years for my older daughter and three for my younger daughter, and we could make a decision about A levels nearer the time - there are good options locally that aren't private and I'd hope that they'd learnt really good study techniques by then to support themselves.

Is there anything else I need to consider? Younger daughter has strong friendships, while older daughter has very few friends to leave. Both girls know a couple of people at the new school, including ones who are also starting in Sept.

It will mean sacrifices as a family - less meals out, less holidays, less money over all, but I'm looking at it as a short-term sacrifice for their long-term benefit, or am I over simplifying it?

Any advice much appreciated and welcomed!

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ThreenagerCentral · 16/07/2025 14:11

I don’t see a downside to this move to be honest, only you don’t talk about what your girls think. Ideally they will be able to look round first and be part of the discussion on pros and cons. You would do well to have a plan in place for how and when your daughters can see their old friends, as this will provide reassurance for them. But go for it! I would.

BreathingDeep · 16/07/2025 14:40

Thanks so much Threenager (great name!). Both girls are happy to move, but I also know they can be swept up by the idea of bright shiny new things. The youngest one in particular may well love the idea now, but when her friends go back and she's heading somewhere new, it may be a different story.

DH and I want to get our heads straight first as I don't want to get them excited about a new school only to decide it's not the right thing for us financially (that is my only hesitation), so at the mo, we've tried to keep them in the dark about the different options. The school gets mentioned now and again though, as girls they know are going there in September.

And yes, we'd definitely have plans in place for the girls to see their friends, that would be a priority for us.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It's a lot to ponder...

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CromartyForth · 16/07/2025 15:00

Can you look up the independent school's most recent financial info? I think it's on the Charity Commission website. A lot of indies have been struggling for a while, and the latest changes (VAT on fees, increased NI contributions, increase in nat minimum wage) are pushing them into insolvency. Several near me have closed in the last few months, one very suddenly indeed. It would be awful to move your DDs and then have the school go under.

CromartyForth · 16/07/2025 15:14

Forgot to say that the above problems tend to be exacerbated if the school is girls only. Is the one you have in mind mixed?

okydokethen · 16/07/2025 15:22

Make the move! Two years for a teenager, particularly if they are not happy, is a long time

BreathingDeep · 16/07/2025 15:22

Cromarty that’s excellent advice, thank you! I know the school is still close to capacity but I’ll check the financials, thank you - I wouldn’t have thought to even consider this.

Their current school and the new school are both co-ed, and pretty much a 50/50 split. Both girls have had some of the most hurtful bullying and crappy attitude from boys, interestingly enough.

We’ve priced up the cost of tutors for both, twice a week, and it’s obviously a lot less than private school, but of course, even with extra academic support, we’re not tackling the environment they’re in, or the mindset.

Reading my message back, it’s clear what my heart is telling me to do - it’s just the bank account feeling twitchy, but two years (paying for both) isn’t that long…

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BreathingDeep · 16/07/2025 15:34

Thank you okydokethen, you're too right. I can't help but feel these two/three years are the most critical yet - difficult age AND GCSEs...

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BreathingDeep · 16/07/2025 15:35

CromartyForth · 16/07/2025 15:00

Can you look up the independent school's most recent financial info? I think it's on the Charity Commission website. A lot of indies have been struggling for a while, and the latest changes (VAT on fees, increased NI contributions, increase in nat minimum wage) are pushing them into insolvency. Several near me have closed in the last few months, one very suddenly indeed. It would be awful to move your DDs and then have the school go under.

Just checked and they appear to have reserves coming out of their eyeballs and their numbers have stayed consistently high, so no alarm bells ringing there.

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sophistitroll · 16/07/2025 15:40

Have they not had to do a taster day or some testing for the new school

BreathingDeep · 16/07/2025 15:46

Our terrible timing has put a proper spanner in the works for how it usually works... It's all very last minute and schools are closed for the summer. We're going in for a meeting with the head in a week's time with the girls. He wants to see their last few school reports too.

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CromartyForth · 16/07/2025 15:47

@BreathingDeep that's good to know! I teach in this sector, so I know how precarious it is ATM. If the financials are sound, then I'd say go for it.

strawberrybubblegum · 18/07/2025 07:41

I would move them in a heartbeat.

It's only for 3 years, so not too much time for things to change in either school. You've only got 2 fee-increases in that time, so even fairly high increases won't bite too much.

You can manage it financially: the sacrifices are 'nice-to-haves' (holidays and meals out) rather than putting major strain on the family (eg having to significantly increase working hours or re-mortgage). Tbh, I'd accept more financial downside than that in the situation you describe.

Your DDs know children going there this year - so it won't feel intimidating - and even more importantly, you say it's a nice environment. Kids in nice schools enjoy welcoming new joiners,, so they should have no problem making new friends.

School is about much, much more than academics - it's about building the adult they will be for the rest of their lives. The watchfulless, self-monitoring and 'keeping your head down', as well as the lack of instilled work ethic and focus on achieving all risk becoming part of them. That's more harmful - and will limit them more - than the lower grades at their existing school.

I wouldn't be prioritising maintaining current friendships either, to be honest. I'd support seeing individual friends when driven by the DDs, but let it dwindle naturally if they embrace the fresh start: so that they can put the bad experiences and attitudes right behind them.

strawberrybubblegum · 18/07/2025 08:46

Moving them also gives them a powerful example that we're not passengers in our lives. That we can think about what we want and make changes to our lives.. That this may bring challenges (leaving friends, new environment, no holidays for a couple of years) but we can still make these choices and thrive. Which are excellent things to experience and internalise!

You've said that they both understand that these are critical years for their education, and want to do well. I wouldn't be framing the move as a response to the existing school too much (which would encourage victim thinking), but rather sell the new school to them as a real opportunity for them, which they should grasp for their own future.

Of course, talk about the differences - but frame it as 'this new school will allow you to do xyz, which isn't available in your existing school', 'the learning environment in the new school is really positive, students seem to enjoy going there' etc rather than 'your existing school is so terrible. We have no choice but to move you'. That frames the move in a way that encourages them to really engage and look forwards, and avoids the risk of them saying 'our existing school isn't so bad' if they get nervous.

strawberrybubblegum · 18/07/2025 08:49

and fwiw I agree that years 9-11 are more critical than 6th form - especially if you have decent state 6th form options to move to later.

BreathingDeep · 28/07/2025 12:12

@strawberrybubblegum thank you so, so much for these really considered responses, and your thoughts on it.

Your words really resonated - particularly around how the school environment will shape the adults they become, as well as shape their educational outcomes. This, to me, is the real biggie - we can help to support them academically with tutors and so on, but we can't do anything about the wider environment and that's what worries me.

We're going to see the head today so I'm hoping today we'll feel much clearer and know the right path forward. My younger DD, who I thought would be more resistant, has already said that she's happy to move given their results, and she's the one with the very close friendships. My older DD, who doesn't cope well with change, is now digging her heels in and wants to stay where she is. I'm not sure how she'll respond to the visit today - I'm hoping she can go in with an open mind, but I also know how she can be, and sometimes she backs herself into a corner and can't find a way out. We'll see...

I'll report back and I'd love to pick your brains more if you'll indulge me?

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BreathingDeep · 28/07/2025 17:06

So we've been to look around the school and we loved the head, love the school's priorities and ethos and we both can see that this would be an incredible environment for both girls in a million different ways.

Youngest DD gets it, and is on board with the move, if a little apprehensive. However, older DD insists that she didn't like it, she won't move, and she LOVES her old school and her teachers and she has lots of friends. But we know this not to be the reality.

The reality is she has been unhappy for most of the time she's been there, or at best, she's been OK. She's wanted a fresh start before, and she has very few friends. But, we do know that she hates change, and hates the idea of anything new, but once she's over that, she embraces it with gusto. With this though, she is absolutely digging in her heels and refusing to even discuss it.

On holiday, we recently had a situation where she and her sister were booked in to do an activity. She was excited and looking forward to it, but when we got there, she froze and couldn't get changed. The more we pressured, begged, cajoled her to get ready, the more she just couldn't. In the end we left, and it was a miserable experience. I suspect this may be become one of those moments - where's she's so insistent on something that it's impossible for her to climb back down from it. Any suggestions or tips?

And yes, I know we're the adults, and we're in charge. But how can you force a 14 year old to do anything that they don't want to do? I can't pick her up and carry her into school. Yes, I can punish her by taking things away, but that doesn't sit well.

Or, we leave her where she is and she has tutors, and her sister moves? Aaaagggggh.

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