How to get back in the school’s good books

[Franny1]

My husband and I have gone from generally being pleased with our children’s (junior private) school, to having quite a few interactions with them in the last year or so, to do with a combination of teacher replacement issues (eg our son ended up with four form teachers in a year, our daughter ended up with three the year after), class allocations and (and really this is the main bit) communication issues. Not mega things but medium issues which just really needed sorting out and have all built up to a place where we are a bit fed up. We feel like the most recent thing (again small-ish but needed discussing! Our seven year old daughter has had quite bad anxiety this year, bordering on school refusal, and has then been put in a class next year without any good friends) was technically responded to, but barely, and we get the sense that the school is weary of us!

We’re really frustrated to be honest and this is not an AIBA question - I’m confident our queries were justified and although I like the
Individual staff I think the school has an institutional issue with comms/keeping parents at arms length. But still, I’m worried we’ve started to piss the school off, even if it isn’t our fault, and wondering where to go from here. Is it just an issue of really really carefully picking our battles from now on, even though we don’t feel we’ve done anything wrong? Or is there anything we can do to remind the school that we are reasonable people who understand their jobs are tough and busy, we just want clear communication and ability to discuss our children’s situations now and again? Thank you!

It sounds to me like they are trying to manage you out. If they have put a child with anxiety/borderline school refusal in a class with no friends then they want you to withdraw her.

I hugely regret not withdrawing my son earlier. He was so much happier when we moved him.

you're obviously not happy with the school. They know this too and are probably waiting for your next complaint/concern.

As you are paying a significant amount why not just move your children to another school which you will be happier with and they may settle better.

I think the school has an institutional issue with comms/keeping parents at arms length

Then you move you child/children to another private school you do not believe has these institutional issues.

I had some go through private and you pick a school based on how it will fit you/your child. If it doesn’t, it’s not a case of a private school changing its institution to fit you, you go somewhere that does!

We made a formal complaint at one to board level, as we believed a teacher had breached school protocol and child safe-guarding. It was determined this was the case and the teacher was fired. But we were unhappy with specific acts of one teacher we believed went against the schools own policy, not the institutional principles of the school itself. We forged on happily there after that. Tbh I think the school was prob happy as gave them an excuse they were likely looking for to fire a bit of an albatross anyway, so were grateful in a way we made it easy for them.

I don’t think you can salvage the relationship tbh. You’re obviously not happy with the school, and I totally get why based on what you’ve posted above. Your DD doesn’t sound happy. They don’t sound interested in keeping you if they know she’s socially anxious and still won’t put her with 1 friend. I think you might be better off thinking about a move and a fresh start.

It might be worth asking for a meeting and seeing whether, in light of these issues, they would be willing to waive the usual term's notice. Ds's school offered this to us as they wanted rid of what they deemed to be a "problem" child aka autistic with anxiety issues. I wish some of those teachers could see him now! (one actually contacted me after she left the school to apologise for his treatment by the school).

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. It’s not really that simple to just move schools though! We’d have to move house, move areas. Our son is very happy there. And actually - I probably should have put this in the original message - our daughter IS now happy there (and also was before- it’s complicated and o can’t write it all down here but for various reasons I suspect her anxieties were a delayed reaction to me having a serious illness a few years ago, rather than issues with the school itself. AND I’d add, there was lots the school did well to deal with her at the time. I am deeply frustrated with the class/comms issues precisely because SO much of what they do elsewhere is very good.

to summarise, there is LOTS the school does right and we are definitely not entirely unhappy there. Much of the teaching and pastoral is very good. I’m more asking how we manage the situation now from within. I don’t think moving is the answer, at least not right now.

Also I very much doubt they are trying to manage my DD out. She gets absolutely stellar reports, wins prizes etc…

Retired HT here and you don't sound unreasonable to me. You sound like good parents who are advocating for your children when it's needed. I'd make an appointment with the HT to discuss your daughter's anxiety and ways forward to reduce it eg having some friends in her next class. You can emphasise that you appreciate the hard work of staff, which will go down well.

A nice card and gifts at the end of the year, seriously.

I think raising issues is fine as long as it’s done respectfully which it sounds as if it has been.

Is there a system to what class they're put in? You say she's been moved from a good group of friends but are classes split on ability at all? If it's just random there may be room to manoeuvre.

I’m not sure of the complaints process at private school level but there is a communication tree in state schools. If you feel your concerns are not dealt with and that you’re now “problem parents”, I’d take this further. You’re paying customers at the end of the day. I can’t imagine it’s an insignificant amount, especially with more than one child attending. If you feel your concerns are justified, you shouldn’t be made to feel the school are not approachable in the future.

I worked with someone in education who said parents of children in private schools have higher expectations than those in state schools. If you weren’t paying, would you still be raising these issues?

If your daughter is now happy there, is the problem mostly resolved? I’m not sure what the issue is, other than communication which could be better (and it’s always a tricky balance between giving enough information and over-communicating; very easy to get wrong).
If your daughter is now happy, I’d see this that the corner has now been turned and improvements made. I think children, particularly anxious ones, benefit hugely from stability, calmness and consistency- so I would let it go and let her find her feet in a stable environment where there’s no chat about moving schools/ teachers/ etc.

You’re paying all that and your DC have had seven different teachers between them in a year?! There’s clearly an issue with the school!

I wouldn't be very happy. Dd3 is on her 3rd form teacher for this year and the Headmistress has disappeared (long term sick) but she's y12 and the form teacher isn't a big deal at that age. It is a difficult time for private schools and I'm very grateful next year will be her last.

Keep your heads down and no more comments for a while. Think 'speak when you're spoken to'. Respond to correspondence, attend parents evenings, plays etc, but listen more than talk until they decide that someone else is 'that parent'.

If they've got that high staff turnover maybe it's not you, maybe they're busy dealing with some internal issues...?
I'd suggest leaving it all alone, I think asking for a meeting to discuss the fact they're annoyed about you asking for meetings isn't a good way forward. I'd just chill out a bit, give it time, maybe take nice presents in at the end of the year, before long another parent will kick off about something, or another drama will occur and this rough period you've had will calm down.
If you have even more issues that require you going in and sorting out, then I'd be questioning if they're still actually a good school.

Put your child's need first, and if that means the school will be annoyed at you, pull them out and put them in a better school (better for your child).

Private schools should be scared of unhappy ££££ paying parents, not the other way around!

Why don’t you discuss it with your daughters form teacher or mentor? They will be able to reassure you. I bet my bottom dollar you are not their most difficult parents, the obnoxious ones have no self awareness and would not be worrying. The school will want your children to be happy and successful.

Honestly? The thing that jumps out at me is your children have had multiple teachers in a year. Two is acceptable but four really isn’t. I expect that the SLT are upsetting their teachers.

It is a pity when schools don’t get their communication right because it is a fairly sure way to annoy the parents - even if everything else is pretty good. Schools which are good at communicating get forgiven a lot more often.

In your update you say your children are both happy, so what do you need to manage now? If you don't need a change, what are you asking?

The high staff turnover is not good as implies a problem with management.

children adapt well to new classes even where they think they will have no friends. Sometimes the teachers see stuff. I moved one girl out of the class as she was part of a group of three girls. One was dominant and had followers. Not quite a bully but didn’t let the others have their moments. Mums weren’t happy as the girls had been together from Reception to Y4. The dominant girl also had a dominant mum who complained and made sure the other mum complained. I stood by it and next year the mum came back and said it was best thing as girl could actually spread her wings.

classes should be jumbled in larger schools as it means they make new friends

I generally find, as with everything in life, if you are going to bring up issues you need to be able to thank them when something is a success. My ds had a dreadful substitute teacher last year at school, only for a number of days thankfully, but I raised it with the headteacher. I did so because I felt her attitude towards the children was extremely poor and how else would the head be aware if parents didn’t, pickup gossip doesn’t do much. She acknowledged my concerns and dealt with the situation. On the flip side later on that year Ds had an amazing substitute teacher for three months, only this occasion I emailed to say “praise were it’s due” so to speak and again was thanked in person.
basically I’d say pick your battles, if it’s affecting the whole class your likely not the only one complaining but again, teaching seems like a thankless job today and I’m sure they’d appreciate some praise when things go well not just criticism when they don’t.

There could be a chance the school are trying to manage other parents requests about who they want their child in a class with.