Daughter starting secondary school advice

[MyHappyNavyMoose]

My daughter is starting secondary school in September and I’m terrified! From the moment she went into year 3 I’ve had huge anxiety about her starting secondary school and the closer it gets the more anxiety there is. She hasn’t really formed any really strong friendships and the last 2 terms have been quite rough and eye opening with how girls are! I’m trying not to worry too much about the friendships as I know it’s a good opportunity to meet some new friends and most don’t stay with their primary friends anyway. She does have some learning difficulties - her handwriting and spelling isn’t the best and I know this is really playing on her mind. Does anyone have any suggestions or had similar experiences that have turned out a lot better than they thought that they could share? Tips to try make it easier? We are trying to break it down into stages so she will find out her tutor group in the next 2 weeks and then have a transition day.

The one thing I remember from mine going to high school is to make sure she has the right bag, whatever is ‘in’ at the moment. Sounds like a small thing, but it’s big to them, helps them fit in.

My DD has some minor sen op which means she can struggle with friendships occasionally. She had a couple of good friends in primary school but it was a tricky class socially so things weren't always easy. I've found secondary school to actually be a bit better friendship wise, mainly because there's just a larger pool of kids to potentially be friends with. I've heard many parents say similar actually. So I'd say be positive as she enters this next stage.

I was quite worried about my dd but year 7 has been the making of her. She has made new friends, has caught up in areas she was behind in and gets involved in lots of clubs and activities. I know it's a worry but you might find the same.

Make sure you have a pre-meeting with the SENDCO. Find out if they offer any extra transition activities for the SEND children. Often they do which gives them more chance to meet new potential friends before they start.

I have no advice but I do echo the positive stories. I was scared to the point of making myself physically ill when my eldest started secondary. Neither of my kids were very happy or got on well at their lovely primary school. Despite my anxiety, both have been much happier at their secondary, despite it being bigger and ‘rougher’. I do feel for you.

Don’t give her the impression that secondary schools, or the pupils or teachers are something to fear.

My dd started secondary in the January of year seven. We had been living in another country. Dd was very…behind with trends for want of a better phrase. She didn’t know about music, tv or fashion in the uk.

She was also probably two years behind academically. She’s also black in an extraordinarily white area. Oh, and anaphylactic.

On the day I took her in I felt sick. They sent this girl down for her, she had a handbag on the crook of her arm. Off they went and I spent the whole day imagining dd weeping in the corner or with her head down the toilet Grange Hill style. Her first lesson was History. She’d never done it. Her second was RE. She’d never done it. Then French. She’d never done it.

I went to pick her up.

She came over to the car. Opened the door, which was great for me as I felt so sick. She said ‘I’m staying for netball club’. Then she was gone.

The girl with the handbag became DD’s friend along with many others. The girl with the handbag is an accountant now.

So it was fine. I’d built it up to be this scary thing but those year sevens are just little kids, like your own dd. And the big ones are fine too. And I do not live in a good area.

are you happy with the school she’s going to?

have you been in contact with the SENDCO? It might be worth finding out who is the literacy lead/specialist (often not one of the SENDCO team but English department) and flag your concerns.

whatever anxiety you have, you have to present this as the best exciting thing, don’t let her see you are worried at all.

First and foremost you must be positive and upbeat and not allow the tiniest hint of your (somewhat OTT) anxiety leak out.
All my children and GC have embraced the wider opportunities of secondary school. Yes there can be hiccups, but that is the nature if change, but mist children take these in their stride with proper support.

Thanks for all the positive responses! We are really happy with the school and everyone you speak to speaks very highly of the school so feel very lucky that is where she is going. I have spoken to both the head and head of support and she is having an additional visit today ahead of the transition day with the whole of year 7 so hopefully that will help. I do think it could be the making of her but my anxiety is very much taking over at the moment!

@Mischance I posted this hoping to hear from people who have experienced positive experiences given she has SEND and a few other factors that have played into my anxieties. Commenting that my anxieties are OTT in your opinion wasn’t the purpose of the post as this wasn’t what I had asked for

It was meant to be a reassuring post that might help you to realise your anxieties might not be needed!!

You did say you were "terrified" and had been worrying about it since year 3. Truly that is OTT!

Also secondary school may appear daunting and full of older more confident kids...but you have to remember she's going to be starting with her peer group who have all just left primary school like she has and are just as apprehensive as she is. I'll be honest and say my dds first day was very difficult for her...but I said to her when she got home, the worst part is now over and after that she found her feet really quickly. She is probably happier at secondary than she ever was at primary.

Oh I could have written so much of this myself – my DD is also starting in September and feels similarly about friendships and keeping up with the work.

I totally get the anxiety creeping in more as it gets closer. You’re absolutely right that secondary can be a fresh start socially, but it doesn’t make the build-up any less stressful.

We’ve been breaking it down into stages too, and I came across a free online webinar that I'm hoping will help me feel a bit less lost in it all.

It’s aimed at parents of Year 6 girls and covers things like friendships, managing stress, organisation, and how we can support them emotionally (plus there’s a Q&A with a paediatrician).

👉 https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/transitioning-to-high-school-navigating-academic-social-personal-change-tickets-1428022366339

It’s next Wednesday (July 2), totally anonymous/cameras off.

You’re definitely not alone, and your daughter sounds like she’s lucky to have you in her corner.

@Spotlessmind81 thank you so much for your supportive post and the recommendation of the talk - what a great idea! How does your DD find friendships in general? My daughter came home today and said that some of her ‘friends’ tell her to go to the side so they can talk and ask her not to play with them ….. literally breaks my heart but have no idea if this is normal/typical behaviour as this my oldest daughter and I’m fully aware that my worrying is next level!

How is your dd feeling about things now? Is she feeling more confident? Asking her to move out the way is not nice but sadly normal. She needs to assert herself and build friendships around these bossy girls. We've seen it all before. You have got to be assertive but also build a good communication style. I have taught my shy dd since year 4 to assert herself, which goes against her inner nature but I knew that she'd be bullied if she comes across as meek.

One girl was bitching and bullying lots of the girls and bossing them to fetch her things. I told my dd to look he squarely in the eyes, hold that gaze and say no get it yourself. This girls also pushed my dd from behind when they were walking as a class form some place so my dd went to a trusted friend and told her. There will always be meanies but you have got to stand up for yourself. You need to assert yourself without coming across as stuck up or sensitive. It's a fine line. Do not hang around people who don't respect you, ditch and find others.

Bien.

Is your dd sporty? Does she have any talents that will help her join clubs or groups at school? Does she have a nice school bag pencil case, and shoes that are comfy and trendy?

@WifiAndSmiles i think the nerves are starting to kick in for her now. We’ve had a lovely summer where we’ve not really thought about it apart from when buying bits for school. They get the option to go on a residential about 6 weeks in to aid friendships etc so she needs to decide if she would like to go on that. I think we are ok for the shoes/bag/pencil case and if we are not then we can change them.