Different school for youngest DC?

[bizbazboz]

Looking for opinions as my head is saying one thing but I’m worried about making the wrong decision and my DC’s relationships long term.

I have 3 DC. DC 1 at college went to state school, did ok with GCSE’s but scraped through and struggled massively with friendships. Diagnosis from age 6 of adhd and dyspraxia. In hindsight I should have moved her to independent school after covid but school were encouraging grades were fine and gave lots of support.

DC2 does very well academically at state school, enthusiastic learner although did experience some bullying in year 8 that was swiftly dealt with. Good gcse predictions just needs to stop being so lazy. Ambitious and knows what they want to do.

DC3, confirmed adhd, dyslexic, struggles massively academically but not socially. Low confidence, self esteem etc but a lovely group of friends and enjoys her local primary school. The gap in her learning is getting wider and I don’t know how she will catch up or get through secondary school, in fact I’m dreading it next year. Reading, maths, writing all very below age expected attainment.

We have option to send DC3 to a local independent school, small classes, very nurturing, can meet all her needs, they have a place ready for them.

I just feel guilty the older two haven’t had the same opportunity. We can afford it now, would have been very difficult when they were younger.

Spoken to the older DC about it, they seem to be ok as understand DC 3’s struggles. I’m just worried it will impact their relationships long term.

Any advice or thoughts welcome!

If you can get DC3 being as successful, confident and independent as possible, it will benefit older DCs too, they will get more of your time and attention and there will be less chance of having to help or bail out an unsuccessful sibling in later life. The whole family will be happier if everyone in it is happy. So I would go for the private school. Your other DC seem caring and understanding.

Thanks for your reply. Thats very much how I feel about. Getting DC3 to be as independent and reach full potential is my priority. They are all very caring siblings and have a good bond, no arguing. Hope they understand more as they get older.

It might need a financial rebalancing as you are spending a vast amount of dc3. How will this impact the others financially? How do you plan to redress this imbalance? It won’t be forgotten if you don’t have a house deposit for older dc for example. Your dc probably don’t understand all the ramifications.

@TizerorFizz This is one of my main concerns. We currently spend a lot on tutors as well for DC3 which the others haven't needed. In terms of expense we have tried to be as equal as possible, right down to braces for teeth, school trips abroad etc. All will have driving lessons and first car bought as well as a house deposit which is earmarked already.
My worry is if we don't support DC3 now the other 2 will always be much higher earners with better options and qualifications. I really just want to level the playing field if its possible to do so. But the reality is DC 3 will have had a much more tailored secondary education.

We treated ours identically but DD1 is far more academic and earns 8 times more then younger DD. They have different skills, attributes, personalities and qualities. They cannot be equalized solely via education. There’s a lot more to consider. They also make career choices that suit them but are not always highly paid! As parents you can only do so much unless you employ them!

Why is she not doing well academically? I would want to know more about that before changing school. I would suggest you have her assessed by an Ed psych. Private schools can be tough for low achievers and if your daughter isn't academic, they won't have the support or range of suitable alternative options the state system can provide.

Know several families with this dynamic and the older robuster kids are fine with it.

My concern would be would she even get in? The private schools here wouldn’t touch my friends SEN kids with a barge pole. Another friend had sent her Dd private she was diagnosed and was exhibiting challenging behaviours and they just expelled her 😢. It’s been a disaster. They are now cut off from the support they would have got in the state system.

Support in state is incredibly hit and miss these days unless you have an EHCP in place... and even then.

DD is ADHD and dyslexic so I have some experience here - SEND is just massively overwhelmed.

FWIW, I'm one of 4 siblings. Did a mix of private prep, state primary and then state grammar. Youngest sibling went to independent secondary and then famous name boarding school.

Never once caused an issue for any of us. DC4 missed out on close siblings, missed out on having young parents, missed out on living overseas etc.

Your set of circumstances sound well thought out.

Your children NEED EQUAL access to education. Your youngest won't get this if you don't pay private. While I think you should be equal in your spending on things that will benefit them equally, you don't need to be equal on stuff that one needs and the others don't. School trips abroad will benefit all your kids and none would lose out more if none of them had one. If one needed a specialist wheelchair, and the other two could walk fine, would you refuse to buy the wheelchair because they other 2 don't need one?!

"Your youngest won't get this if you don't pay private" is not necessarily true. It largely depends on the OP's daughter's potential. It could be that a private school will help her, but i have known girls left to languish in private schools which didn't have much sen provision but were happy to take the money. What private schools hate is disruptive behaviour, but if a child is quiet, they may just accommodate them.

With private schools under pressure with the VAT issue and many having to close, I would be very careful about going private atm. The famous and academic schools are going to be fine, but the lesser ones are the ones likely to struggle. They may be happy to take a pupil who isn't a good fit.

The main thing imo is to understand the daughter's potential. A good Ed psych assessment will explain this.

Yes you make good points, but the particular focus of the OPs post was whether it was ok to send one child to private school and another or others not. If she is, in fact, wrong that the daughter she's thinking of sending to private will be better off there, that is a different question.

Thank you for all your responses. Not sure of the difference but its an independent school, no entrance exam required.

They have her (very comprehensive) dyslexia report and aware of her ADHD diagnosis as well as reports from her current school. They think they can meet her needs and have offered a place. Not had an Ed psych report. Will look into this and any recommendations appreciated.

@Arran2024 she has some auditory processing difficulties as part of her dyslexia. Some other medical needs in her earlier schooling meant she missed blocks of learning while having treatment and she hasn't caught up. Large classes and inattentive ADHD despite medication are also an issue.

My eldest just about survived state secondary and they are definitely similar in many respects. With these other issues on top I just want DD3 to get through with their mental health intact.

@TizerorFizz I agree that career choices might not mean any of them are highly paid. I probably didnt articulate what I meant very well. I just want them all to feel a sense of academic achievement and have options.

They have some day visits for the remainder of this term so I will see how they go. Thankyou all again for your responses.

My daughter was really behind at primary. Her "outstanding" primary school didn't care because she wasnt causing them any behaviour problems.

We got her assessed privately by an Ed psych, an OT and a speech and language therapist.

The Ed psych suggested adhd and we got her assessed for that and she was diagnosed. Her IQ was normal but there was a huge gap between her attainment levels and her IQ level.

The OT report was a real eye opener - so many sensory issues but also lots of processing difficulties.

The speech and language report was the most useful. She had a clinical disorder and we had no idea!

Anyway, I got her an ehc plan with these reports - it was a long time ago and it was a Statement then. Her headmistress was furious - she hadn't supported the application at all and couldn't believe it. She was even more astonished when the LA paid for her to go to a specialist independent speech and language school for secondary.

I am not saying your daughter needs any of this, but I remember how flummoxed we were by our daughter's poor results and how school seemed quite unbothered.

This is why I would suggest some assessments. I took advice from SOS!SEN who gave me the names of good therapists to use.

If your daughter does have significant sen, you might be better trying for an ehc plan if you are in England - either for staying in state education or to give her additional help at the private school.