Would private secondary suit a sensitive/shy child?

[Peonyyyy]

I’ve got 2 questions really. My husband and I both have parents from working class backgrounds and I would say they got us into the lower middle class bracket (we both went to outstanding secondary schools and went to university). We live in the south east and have jobs that are ok but not high earners by any means, our joint household income is £80k and we have a house and car with mortgage.

it’s always been my dream to send my children to private secondary if possible, just to try to give them more opportunities than we had, but unless we win the lottery it’s not something we would be able to afford currently (secondary private schools round here are £7k a term ish) Our son is only 4 currently and not at school yet but he is a bright yet quite sensitive, shy child who struggles with confidence. I was exactly the same and although I did well in my GCSEs, I could’ve done better if I’d applied myself more and I didn’t do well at all in my A levels. A lack of confidence and falling through the cracks of the state system (not being bad enough to be focused on or good enough to be encouraged more) is where I fell down. I also think because my parents had limited opportunities growing up due to being working class they very much just wanted me to be happy (which is lovely) but I think I would’ve benefitted from a bit more academic encouragement from them to do better and also more encouragement at school. I went down a creative career path/university which meant a levels didn’t matter as much but it limited what I could do and creative jobs aren’t generally so well paid.

i know I’m looking very far in the future and part of me thinks I should just let the private school thing go, it’s for posh people etc but I think we put self limiting beliefs on ourselves because of the class system. Our primary schools are good in our area and we’re not in a position to move at the moment, the nearest outstanding secondary is about an hour away from us and in the opposite direction of both our jobs. Our local secondaries are not so good.

my questions are - would a private school potentially be a good option for a child that is bright but sensitive and struggles with confidence, or could it push him too much and make him unhappy? We just want him to reach his potential and as we’re both creative we like that the secondary schools have more provision for the arts. we feel he could fall through the cracks at state school.

Would we be able to try for some kind of bursary? Would it be best to enquire with schools to see how it works? We could hopefully pay for some of the fees but wouldn’t want to be struggling so much that he missed out on his childhood or couldn’t afford trips/extra curricular activities and sports.

we also have a new baby so would ideally want them both to go to the same school!

I think most likely we will just wait and see (the local state secondaries may improve or we might be able to move at some point to the outstanding secondary school area) but I don’t want to completely close the door to private when it could be amazing for him (and his sibling).

If anyone is/was in a similar situation or has any advice that would be great, thanks in advance

I think you’re … overthinking.

No two independent schools are the same. Even if two schools had exactly the same ethos and policies and budget, they would inevitably differ in their staff, and in each cohort, year to year. So there isn’t a stark choice to be made between state school or independent school - it’s entirely a matter of which individual school would be best for your child? The difference is that you should have a greater element of choice if you’re considering fee paying schools.

Secondly, you really don’t need to be so conscious of your parents’ exact class status; it’s not relevant to anything or to any school. They only want to know if you can pay, and if your child is likely to do well there. If you’re in need of a bursary there will be more emphasis on your child’s individual qualities - whether intellectual or in terms of other personal qualities.

I agree you’d struggle to pay school fees and live a comfortable life on your current joint income, so you may want to consider some aggressive financial planning as bursaries will be harder to come by in the future. The grandest boarding schools will continue to have the most money available, so it would be sensible to consider them, when the time comes.

Thirdly, I really don’t think you need make decisions based on what your child is like at four years old. Just nurture their development with books and varied experiences and see what they’re like by seven or eight. By that age they’ll be showing you what they need to thrive.

You are overthinking because private schools range from exam factories where kids get top grades in their A-levels and go to Oxbridge and creative studies only being valued if they are for purposes like getting a choral scholarship at Cambridge through to ones that won’t push because they are about bums on seats and making money with most somewhere in between. You need to visit the private school and find out more.

Single sex schools generally get better academic results that co-ed so if you want a school that will push during exams then you might want to change your mind about co-ed. I went to single sex schools for secondary and never got messages like “science is for boys” or “languages are for girls” that can happen at co-ed.

Plus you are very unreasonable to assume that your 4 year old’s personality now is a reflection on what he’ll be like as a teen. My sons were so shy they had support for social schools in Reception but one ended up happily playing leading roles in school plays and the other is very popular and sociable that he’s always going out with friends and hasn’t been short of girls asking him out too.

If you want to make this dream happen then it sounds like you and your h need to work on earning more and saving hard because the 7k per term now (with or without VAT) is only going to increase every year.

Massively depends on the school, and your child is much too young to know which secondary would suit him. I honestly wouldn’t worry about this yet: focus on the parts of his childhood that are in your control right now, and look again at all this when he’s around 8.

Thank you so much for your replies, I am definitely overthinking but more just mooting various scenarios and wondering what could be possible. We definitely want to see how both of them get on at primary and see what would suit them best by visiting lots of secondary schools. It feels like a really big deal for people like me to even consider visiting a private school.

the most important thing for us is for them both to be happy, we don’t want them to get top grades at the expense of their well-being but I’ve always felt I could’ve done better if I’d been encouraged more. But maybe that should’ve come from my parents so if our kids have more of that at home they could do great at a state secondary.

I should’ve said in my original post - we know he may change when he goes to school, I don’t want to put him in a box at all. Just thinking about what might be best for him if he continues to be shy.

the reason I mention our families backgrounds is it does make a difference in my opinion to what people achieve. If your parents have really well paid senior jobs it’s easier to see that that’s achievable for you too. This is just based on my experience and what I’ve seen.

Your son has plenty of time to grow in confidence. What he may be like at 4, doesn't mean he'll be the same at 11. My son was a shy little boy, but although he's not an extrovert, he's a confident lad at 14, knows his own mind, and isn't shy on expressing his opinions etc! So don't fret. Play it all by ear, and see how your son progresses.

Unless you’re in an industry where your income can skyrocket, I suggest you’re better off finding a home very close to an outstanding state school I don’t necessarily mean ofstead outstanding!

@Peonyyyy with kindness, you need to step back and calm down.

Do your research. Have a look at your local secondaries and private schools.

Some private schools are exam factories, some are the exact opposite. All of them in the south east are very expensive. Some bursaries cover a lot of the fees for exceptionally gifted DC, but the vast majority only give a small % reduction.

You need to plan for the worst and hope for the best. With a current household income of £80k and 2 DC, Unless your income dramatically increases over the next 6 years or your DC gets a huge bursary, private school may be out of reach.

A lot of parents in our area focus on getting in catchment of decent secondary schools &/or see if there are feeder primary schools into the decent secondary schools.

Just fyi most schools are massively scaling back on bursaries and financial scholarships.

Between the VAT, increase in NICS etc, general cost increases, budgets are very very tight and bursaries are being cut.

So you’d probably be better off looking to move to an area with state schools that you like rather than banking on getting a bursary.

I wouldn’t say I need to calm down - I’m aware it’s a way off, merely just mooting the idea and getting advice for the possible options. I’m not worried about it but don’t want to write off private due to not being organised/being too scared to enquire when the time comes.

if we did move for an outstanding secondary, I’m not sure when we would do it as they would need to start again with friends etc and we’re not in a position to move before they start school due to work.

that’s a good point about bursaries! I hadn’t thought but of course with the VAT this provision will be reduced. I think when the time comes we will look at both private and state and then decide but there is a slim chance of being able to go private.

hoping that our local secondaries improve by the time they’re ready to go. There are plenty of ofsted ‘good’ but no ‘outstanding’ and the general consensus in the area is that none of the secondary schools are that great.

Your child is 4?
Don't worry about friends in secondary school.

Few parents are able to afford private schools. Most pupils do just fine in state.

Don’t dismiss the ofsted good secondary schools, look at their websites, the extra-curricular, the exam results / performance, the catchment areas - this will tell you more than the Ofsted report. If you are fully engaged in their lives from the begining - reading to them, taking them to things they love and generally being encouraging in all that they do, they certainly will succeed regardless of their school setting. Enjoy the primary years - those 7 years fly. I am certain that with parents like you your DC will be happy achievers.

Don't dismiss 'good' schools.

You do need to plan for secondary school and if you plan to move area and get in a good catchment, do it early in Y5 or Y4.

My DC went to a feeder primary school to a good secondary school. I noticed that other DC tended to move to their school in Y4 and early Y5 so they would definitely get a place at the good secondary school.
The primary school would then remain at capacity until the end of Y6. Many other parents tried to move their DC into the school later in Y5 but it was too late.

The other option is religious secondary schools. I know a few parents who suddenly find faith when they have DC or about a year before they start school.

You seem a shy person yourself :) Don't be afraid in the slightest to enquire with the schools or visit in person, the atmosphere on open days is not intimidating at all and you'll get a gut feeling of each school, they're vastly different. I visited ~25 initially as far as I remember (we used to live in London so lots of options) and had a short list of five. My first choice was not based on academic results.

We haven't encountered a lot of posh people in three schools DC attended, some parents actually came from humble origins (first generation refugees etc), the majority was just normal middle class professionals. That's both in London and country, top and mid-tier schools in the league tables. Contrary to the popular myth, it's not just filthy rich and posh domain 😁

Big names schools will continue providing scholarship and bursaries, and if you're open to the idea of boarding you may have more options. Christ's Hospital for example offers up to 100% to talented boarders. Our former school still offers scholarships up to 50% despite the VAT. There are options at well established schools if the child shows academic, music, sport or art achievements and potential, I don't think scholarships will just vanish completely. You'll need to have something under your belt by 10 though.

Many private schools are actually good for shy children as they specifically focus on building confidence. My DD was not painfully shy but rather reserved, she hasn't become a social butterfly but is now quietly confident and happy to take centre stage if needs be. All schools encouraged that and provided opportunities to train these skills (team building, leadership coaching, performing etc).

@MumChp not worrying at all, simply asking questions/for advice.

@Floatingthrough totally agree, we will definitely be encouraging him, doing lots of reading, building his confidence and if we go down the state route we will have more money left over for experiences/fun stuff and also tutors if there’s anything he’s behind in.

@Pipsquiggle thanks, there is actually a catholic one near us which gets very good results. I didn’t grow up in this part of the country so I’m not familiar with any of the schools from a personal pets (which I think is a good thing) good to hear that many seem to move around year 4 if we did need to do that. Ideally I don’t want to disrupt with friends etc and younger sibling but if we need to we will.

@Ubertomusic im actually pretty assertive in these kinds of situations but I would say it’s pretty normal for someone who has no experience of private school, no friends or family with any experience of it, and not with a high salary for it to think it’s not ‘for’ them and not even enquire. But this is why I’m starting to look into this side of things now, just so I have an idea about how it works as I don’t want to feel intimidated out of enquiring if it is the best place for them to be. It’s good to know not everyone is super rich there - but I wouldn’t want my kids to feel embarrassed if we were really struggling just to send them there

I entirely understand why you might feel unsure of your footing in this instance, @Peonyyyy. Someone close to me benefitted from three years of prep school on a combination of scholarship and bursary funding equalling 100% of fees, and then five years of 100% bursary at senior boarding school. Their family had very little income - but they did have experience and knowledge of the independent school system, which made a huge difference in terms of knowing what, where, and when to look for the right schools.

@Bailiwitch thank you, that’s really interesting and helpful. Was their child happy there?

I think people who move in circles where private school is more common/normal/expected don’t seem to be able to understand why it’s a big deal for people who are in a social class where no one they know has been/has a child who will go to private school. And I suppose why should they? It’s not their lived experience. But it does come across as patronising to tell me to ‘calm down’ for researching and asking advice on something that’s a whole new world to me and everyone I know.

Very! 😄

I think the two main things that are difficult to grasp for people unfamiliar with the independent school system are firstly:

That the nice little day school behind fancy gates at the end of the road is not the one to aim for, because they have no money and probably only offer one scholarship-related bursary per year. You need a big name boarding school with millions in endowments and an established ethos and system supporting multiple bursaries every year. And you need to understand that such schools actually want parents to enquire and apply if they have a bright child who couldn’t attend without a financial award. (It’s not helped by astoundingly uninformed posts on bursary enquiry threads here, saying Why are you looking at private schools when you can’t afford it?).

And secondly that there is a very long run up to actually getting a place at such a school. There are so often threads here from frustrated parents asking how they can get their 14 year old into a particular school … If you want the best choice of public school (senior, from 13 years old) you really need to know where you’re considering by the time they’re 9-ish, so you can register for schools when they’re 10. (London day schools are different and I have no knowledge of their systems.) Registration puts you into the school’s application system, so they can update you on deadlines and entrance exams and invite you to Open Days. It’s mildly complex and requires both organisational skills and fierce optimism on the part of parents - even if they don’t need a huge bursary.

Also - your child has to actually want to go to the school. 10 year olds are relatively biddable and will generally want what you want for them. But it is virtually impossible to make a 13 year old do anything they do not want to do - so at every stage, be led by your child.

My personal experience of a co-ed private school [my kids, not me] is that there is very much an ethos of man/woman up and get on with it. Shy and sensitive or not. That said, the sort of bad behaviour and bullying that is cited on MN sometimes is not tolerated so if you are less likely to be a victim of this sort of treatment for years on end.

Kindly, your income is not going to allow you to afford it. It's absolutely brutal and stressful to not just come up with the cash in year but also so stressful to try to ensure you can ensure continuity if your financial circumstances change. Becoming staff at a suitable private school would be a strategy as it often comes with a hefty fees discount.

If you have spare cash I would invest in additional tuition where he/she is a bit weaker during primary. Starting secondary with a great understanding of maths, good grammar and writing skills is foundational. Music tuition, sport, drama, an extra language are all things that can be taught outside of school if he is interested and will come with performance opportunities that will build confidence. Opportunities to travel as a family especially to places that will build an understanding of other cultures is I think hugely important.

I completely agree with you that when people are surrounded by high achievers they simply assume they have the ability to do the same. It's harder to build that level of self belief in someone particularly if they are a bit shy but it's not impossible if your choice of language is always positive and aspirational. When you go to uni, not if. etc.