Partner with terminal cancer and daughter about to start GCSEs

[anothercookie]

My DP was diagnosed with stage 4 Bile Duct cancer last November. It’s a v aggressive and rare cancer. He’s been on chemo which was going well but he has declined in the last couple of months and the palliative doctor has advised to start preparing for the worst. She doesn’t think he’s strong enough to handle chemo anymore but final decision will be made in around 10 days time.

We have two young daughters one of whom is about to do her GCSEs and I had to tell them yesterday that their dad might only have weeks to live.

My eldest DD is obviously in shock as she didn’t know quite how ill he was. And now so stressed about GCSES and grade point averages, getting high enough grades to stay on at her school to do A-levels.

I’ve done some research and apparently she will get 5% extra but it’s more about being mentally ok to even sit her exams especially if my husband passes soon / in the middle of them.
the other thing is I want her to spend as much time as possible with her dad right now - she’ll never get this time back again.

I know I need to speak to the school but has anyone has been in a similar situation - what happened?

Talk to the school, and if it’s separate the 6th form.

Initially without your daughter, but there’ll need to be follow up that she’s included in.

There are two slightly separate topics to look at.

1. Getting into 6th form.
2. Getting GCSE grades for the longer term life qualifications angle.

The 6th form side of things may well have a lot of capacity for discretion. The grades for the rest of life maybe has a bit less in the near term, but more flexibility to sort out later, through retakes alongside other stuff if needed.

In an ideal world, it’s 6th form attached to the school, school will say due to the mitigating circumstances she can have the 6th form place regardless of exam outcome. Then that’s off the worry list, and the gcse grades bit becomes a topic for another time. It might be that some subjects have good mock results, or a nice peer group, or she enjoys studying, or dad is interested in, or are bane of life and disproportionately time consuming. That might be a feed into some pre emptive picking of where to focus efforts and to totally, or silently drop some. Eg. It history is hard work, time consuming and brings not joy - could check out of it now, decide the night before whether or not to give the exam a shot. Vs. Maths being a logical activity that calms brain and wants to pursue and likes practising with dad. So keep that one going more actively.

Wishing you all the best.

(used to work in a Cambridge admissions office, weird gcse results for good reasons don’t prevent further study, you just end up spending sometime explaining them).

I'm so sorry.
When you speak to the school, ask what arrangements are possible for DD to sit the retakes in November, maybe alongside her A levels, as a Plan B.
It is possible, DH sat most of his in the November retakes after being in an accident just after the start of his exam period. DS was able to sit 2 in the November exams after an error with the dates ( he got the day of his actual exams wrong!).
Hopefully it won't be necessary, but it's good to have a fallback plan in place in case she doesn't feel up to it.
My Dad died a month before my finals, and in the end I put them off for a year. I tried, but I couldn't manage the long days studying alone. If your DD is able to attend structured revision sessions, which I think most schools provide, it might be easier for her.
Wishing you strength in the weeks to come.

Depending on where you live there may be Maggie's centre nearby or contact MacMillan cancer relief ? Aside from exam pressure they may be able to offer other aspects of help with what you are facing as a family.

I’m so sorry to hear about your DP @anothercookie

Whilst I do not have direct experience, I do know 2 families that have been the something very similar.

With school, my advice would be to communicate with a range of staff members. Email and copy in form tutor, Head of Year, exams officer, head of pastoral support, Deputy Head in charge of KS4 and the Head. Tell all of them directly. Do not rely on one member of staff to disseminate the info and take action.

But be clear that you want to share the info with all and need the most appropriate point of contact moving forward.

School will be very used to this situation and will have systems in place to support your dd.

I wish you all well and will be thinking of you.

My heart breaks for you all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I would speak to the school but ultimately tell her not to worry about exams. Seriously. Her dad is what matters right now, plus she might be able to get a statement
of recognition, basically a reference to do her a levels there anyway. I’d ask the school about that as a fall back position for her.

I’ve had a husband with a terminal illness. 7 years since he’s been gone and our son is doing his GCSE’s. You need to get her out of sitting those GCSE’s as I can hand on heart say this gcse year has been as close to stressful as the months that my
husband was ill. She doesn’t need the stresss and neither do you.

Thank you so much for sharing this x

So sorry to hear of your husband. Wishing your boy strength during this stressful time. Thank you for your kind words.

I'm really very sorry to hear this.

You need to speak to the exams office at the school about Special Consideration. They won't be able to tell you what JCQ decides to award, but they can certainly make the application.

Some posters gave mentioned November exams - that's only available for maths and English.

I’m so sorry for your family’s circumstances. You may find that if she can take one part of the overall exam the board can use that mark to project a grade if she misses sitting a later paper in the subject. The school exams officer will know what is available.

Let your daughter lead. The school will support her. If she wants to sit exams, she can have rest breaks, which the school will apply for. She can also get the 5% extra, like you mentioned.
if she can only sit English and Maths, so be it. She can still do A levels, based on her ability. Your daughter may find extreme resilience, or she may be distraught. Try to reassure her it’s OK and she will have her time to shine. But get talking to the school….