Partner with terminal cancer and daughter about to start GCSEs

[anothercookie]

My DP was diagnosed with stage 4 Bile Duct cancer last November. It’s a v aggressive and rare cancer. He’s been on chemo which was going well but he has declined in the last couple of months and the palliative doctor has advised to start preparing for the worst. She doesn’t think he’s strong enough to handle chemo anymore but final decision will be made in around 10 days time.

We have two young daughters one of whom is about to do her GCSEs and I had to tell them yesterday that their dad might only have weeks to live.

My eldest DD is obviously in shock as she didn’t know quite how ill he was. And now so stressed about GCSES and grade point averages, getting high enough grades to stay on at her school to do A-levels.

I’ve done some research and apparently she will get 5% extra but it’s more about being mentally ok to even sit her exams especially if my husband passes soon / in the middle of them.
the other thing is I want her to spend as much time as possible with her dad right now - she’ll never get this time back again.

I know I need to speak to the school but has anyone has been in a similar situation - what happened?

I was your DD (not quite the same but enough). Talk to the school and ask for them to apply for special/extenuating circumstances (I forget the term). It provided me a safety net, as if I’d just missed a boundary I would have been given the benefit of doubt.

i didn’t need it in the end, but it took the pressure off.

I'm so sorry, sending you love. Definitely talk to the school - pastoral staff and exams officer 💕

I have no advice but just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are in this situation. Speak to the school ASAP. Quality time with her Dad is most important at the moment.

I am so sorry to hear this. I would talk to the school as soon as possible to make them aware, but also to discuss the possibility of making allowances for entry to sixth form to at least remove that stress.

So sorry for everything you are going through.

I'll pm you.

I’m so sorry. What a terrible situation for you all . I would say not to worry too much about the GCSEs. They can always be retaken, but she will never get the time back with her dad.

Talk to the school:
in my experience they will take her to do her A-levels regardless of what grade she gets. They know what she is capable of and they will take her. I would get school to reassure her on that front x

So sorry to hear this xx exams can be retaken x

Thanks all. I know exams can be retaken but I really don’t want her retaking the year - that would be awful for her to be behind her friends. She’s pretty much an A-grade student in almost all of her subjects so I’m really hoping the school can make allowances for A-levels. I keep trying to reassure her and not worry but it’s so hard. Her whole world as she knew it is falling apart 😢

https://www.jcq.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2024/11/JCQ-A-guide-to-the-special-consideration-process-24-25FINALaccessible.pdf

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

From the JCQ guidelines it seems that you could apply for a “Statement of recognition” if your daughter felt that she was not able to sit her exams.

(See Chapter 5- I’ve uploaded a photo but it isn’t showing yet)

I'm so sorry. I would expect the school to be able to apply discretion here, they know what she is capable of

So very sorry to hear this. If she's doing ok and her predicted grades are good, and mocks ok, and she'll get enough to get into her next choice, ie school 6th form, I'd tell her to carry on revising, but to also ease up and spend lots of time with dad.

Email HoY and get it in writing so there's a paper trail.

So sorry about your DH.

Not exactly the same but I had cancer and was during chemo doing my daughter's GCSEs and her SN brother had his school withdrawn at same time (EHCP and academy school) and was very distressed by school and ended up hospitalised where forced meds went badly wrong and left him in a coma like state for 8 months. He has never recovered but can walk and see again and can now be home.

Exams officer at school applied for special consideration though DD actually did really well with 12 8s and 9s and an A in FSMQ level 3. She got an extra 4% where it could be applied, and also school let her sit exams in a quieter room. She has just done A levels and now at Oxford University who were lovely about her circumstances. She had to fill in special circumstances forms for them too.

My daughter also needed to be away from me and my cancer and her brother for her mental health and so she could focus on her life. Its difficult but that is what helped her through and stay on track.

Your DH may be too unwell but this charity were amazing and gave us a week in a cottage in Cornwall. https://somethingtolookforwardto.org.uk/

I was your daughter. This is over 40 years ago so it was O' Levels. A 5% allowance was possible back then but I think my mum was too stressed to tell school so I had no help. I got two A's and five E's but sixth form were willing to let me do A' Levels.

Of course it's not ideal for her but, like my best friend who lost her mother at 13, we got through it 🥲

I'm so sorry for you and your partner.

Talk to the school about special consideration. Lots of unmumsnetty hugs I'm so sorry

@anothercookie my grandchildren lost their mum and 9 and 11. the 11 year old has continually struggled mentally with the loss. funeral was only a week before first covid lock down, going to big school, starting periods etc and they lived in the middle of nowhere. still struggling yet five years later. I know what you are all going through and my heart goes out to you. x

I was in your daughter's position. My father (well the one who raised me) was dying and ultimately died during my revision period.

I think there are a few things you can do to make things easier for her. One is to maintain routine. You might think you're doing her a favour by keeping her off school / off after school revision structure, but looking back on it school and my friends (and revising) kept me going. Then, if he does die during the exam period, you should definitely consider delaying the funeral until after her exams have finished so she can grieve properly. Fuck what others say (they will say a lot) but being able to grieve and say goodbye to my dad when I wasn't studying was a gift.

Big hugs , I'm so sorry. Talk to school and then will support you. I would be amazed if they didn't wave the gcse requirements if they know her and she passes english n maths. They will be best placed to advise her. If uni is a later choice ucas has a place for things like this, it allows unis to recognise them and wave things too. Not what your thinking about now but in case it comes up

Whenever her school is back from Easter I would go in and speak to the HOD or whoever you can in person. You can follow it up in writing but you don’t want to be waiting days for email responses and if you can get assurances for your daughter that they’ll take her for A Levels regardless that will be a big comfort to her.

Equally, if they are horrible and won’t be flexible you can start on a Plan B.

Are there any subjects she struggles with or is expecting lower grades? I don’t think she could be withdrawn at this stage (but check with school) but it might be worth sort of unofficially ‘giving up’ on one. Let’s her focus on the core subjects and frees up time to spend with her dad.

It might also be worth asking school now for any vital dates (prom, transitions days etc). If any comms come through at a particularly diffficult time you don’t want to miss anything.

Thank you for your advice. Her two weakest subjects are History and German where she is predicted a 6/7 so not really that weak at all. Everything else she’s on track between 9-7. I’m hoping they will take her mocks and predicted grades into account. Previously they used to only take grade point average for 8 GCSE for A Levels so you could afford to ‘drop one’ but they’ve stopped that from this year and will take all 9 into account.

So sorry to hear what you went through. Thanks for your kind words

Thank you. Unfortunately he’s already pretty much bed bound. We were so hoping for one more short break this summer just in the UK but not to be. X