For those of you who sent your children to prep school - was it worth it?

[shambalm]

Or do you regret your decision?

I have three children. Eldest is at a pre-school attached to a local private primary school, and is signed up to start in reception in September. We have also applied to local state schools, but obviously won't find out if/what we are allocated until next month.

Husband and I are feeling torn about what to do. The school has amazing facilities and my daughter loves it there at the moment, but I worry about quite a competitive tiger-parent vibe especially amongst parents of slightly older children.

My priority is that my children have a happy and grounded childhood, though it would also be nice for them to have the chance to participate in all the sports and music that the prep school has to offer.

Obviously, private is a much more expensive option and, though it is affordable, we could happily save/spend the money elsewhere. I don't want to get to the end of primary school and regret our decision, so looking for reflections from anyone who has been through this already. Thanks!

For us it’s been a fantastic decision and my DD would have struggled if we hadn’t managed to do it. She started in Yr5 and is now in Yr7.

When she started she had already been to 4 primary schools (one abroad) and was really struggling both academically and socially. Since she’s been at her prep she’s had a huge amount of support to get to the same level as her peers and has been able to throw herself into sports where she’s enjoying being part of a team. She’s also found a love of singing and drama that may have also remained undiscovered.

Do you want your child to go to private secondary? And are those schools academically selective? I think the preparation for private senior entrance exams is one of the main benefits of private prep.

Absolutely don't regret it for a second. We had a wonderful prep school for them, a real family vibe. Lots of pastoral support and academic stretch.

Dont worry about the other parents. Make the decision that's right for your child.

Mine are approaching GCSE and Alevel now and are so happy.

I'm probably being naive in not thinking too much about that stage yet. Private would be an option - there are selective and non-selective options. We have grammar schools locally too, though with the children all being so little, I don't really know if that would be something to aim for.

Edit - oops, this was in reply to @minipie

DD’s prep was absolutely worth it - I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. Looking back it was such an idyllic 7 years and it really gave her the best start in life. Academically she excelled and got into a top grammar school. The extra curricular activities were fantastic - so many opportunities in sport, music and drama that she wouldn’t have got anywhere else. Facilities were amazing - acres of rolling fields and a forest for the kids to play in, as well as hockey pitches etc.

Obviously it will vary between schools, you could get unlucky with a bad year group but our personal experience was that there was very little snobbery, the vast majority of families were very normal people just trying to do the best for their kids. Grandparents subsidising school fees was surprisingly common. For a large proportion of the time that DD was at the school I was a single mum trying to make ends meet - I never felt unwelcome or looked down upon, even by the very well off parents. DD’s prep was small and had a lovely, supportive community feel - no tiger parent nonsense, just happy & well grounded kids. She’s 20 now and even to this day I’m still friends with lots of the school mums I met through PTA etc.

It depends.
Overall, for a neurotypical child in the normal range of ability going private for primary is not worth the money. If there is good support at home they'll do just fine. If you're not in a grammar area, you'd be better saving the money for secondary where going private can make a bigger difference. At primary, the home environment is the biggest influence on educational outcomes, whereas at secondary it's the peer group.
There are circumstances where private may be better: if your child is an outlier in ability or some other area and the available private option can support that in a way that state can't. Or if you're in a grammar area and need to prep for the 11+ (though it's not a sure thing).
It also depends on what your state options are. If you're in catchment for a state primary with good leadership and good outcomes, that's very different from a state primary with a bad reputation and lower than average attainment on exit.
Lastly it depends on the child. We had one that opted out of everything, and one that opted into everything that the private school provided. We got more "value for money" from the latter.
We went down the private route because we felt we had no choice. With fees and VAT the way they are now, we would save our money for secondary. That's also the opinion of most friends of ours who've had kids in preps.

Don't regret it but they've gone private all through. However f it was choice between primary or secondary I would go secondary every time and supplement with sports and music.

I would also say that I think it also depends on your local primary. There seems to be a lot of challenges in primary schools at the moment but if your catchment school is good it's certainly worth looking at maybe until 7?

I would say save up the money and maybe start in state and move to private at Year 3.
I dont think they do very much in the early years - we had kids joining our private school at year 3 and even year 4 from state schools and you couldn't tell the difference in how quickly they settled.

Also if you are targetting grammar schools for secondary, there is no point going for private prep schools. Most prep schools prepare you only for private secondary schools and do not do any grammar school prep. You are better off getting specialised grammar school tutoring starting from end of Year 4 and this way even if they do not get into a grammar school, they would still be well prepared to qualify for private secondary school if you choose the private route for secondary.

I have a child in private primary, and it is amazing. Small classes and none of the horrific behavioural issues that friends in nearby state schools have.

A PP said that most kids are fine in state, and that's true. But I want more than 'fine'.

Do also think about later choices. Near me (London) 7+ and 11+ are horrifically competitive. So a through-school eliminates that uncertainty and stress.

It's great to read about positive experiences, and tales of caution.

I think I'm feeling wary after going to a coffee thing with some of the other mums recently. Lots have slightly older children and they seemed to spend a lot of time asking each other how they had got on in recent tests, and also there was talk of tutoring. There was also a bit of probing about how the recent parents evening went, which I am very keen to avoid!

I don't know how much of it is to do with the school, and how much is just different personalities and perhaps cultural differences to a degree. Maybe the same thing would happen at state! This is all new to me, so I was just a bit taken aback.

Entry at 7 is a possibility but, again, it's fiercely competitive at local prep schools, so I think that I'd prefer to go from reception, if at all.

For us, private prep was absolutely worth it. But choose carefully as not all private schools are equal.

The vibe really varies depending on school and even year-group. In each class we found a mix of different families and attitudes. If you're already at the school nursery, that should give you an idea of some of the classmates you'll be with.

Do think about your options for secondary. Private prep schools often work a year or so ahead of state schools in many areas of the curriculum. If you start in state then switch to private, it can be difficult to catch up. Conversely, if you're planning on state secondary, the transition from state primary can be much easier if they're already used to the state system and larger classes etc.

We did it for DD1 and it was a brilliant decision.

We didn’t for DD2 and I wish to god that I had. I’ve generally been in the camp of ‘save your money to do private secondary if money is an issue’, but I very much see the benefit of prep and if you can afford it I would do it.

Do you have the money for all 3 to go to private primary and secondary easily? If so do it.

If it will stretch you then priority is sending all 3 to private secondary

Three kids in state primary. Have not regretted it for one second. Kids are supported and encouraged to excel. Lovely peer group. Meanwhile private primaries around us are closing. At least worth checking out state properly.

That's fantastic. I really like our first choice state primary. I've visited twice on open days but there isn't really any other chance to visit, so have to base the choice on what I've seen, which is daunting for such a big decision.

Yes. Not easily, but relatively easily, which I am aware is very fortunate.

Lots have slightly older children and they seemed to spend a lot of time asking each other how they had got on in recent tests, and also there was talk of tutoring

If they have Year 5 children they are probably gearing up for entrance exams/11+ and this kind of chat becomes more usual at this point, including at state especially in a grammar area. IME this chat isn’t so much competitive in the show offy sense, more trying to suss out whether your child will be in with a chance in the various exams, what preparation everyone else is doing and panicking whether you should be doing it too.

We've moved DD at year 5 to a private prep and it is much better for her. She says the days go much faster. I think this is because they have a timetable with specialist teachers and the full range of subjects. The state school she was at had full mornings of maths and English and everything else was squeezed. I think she was really bored.

They are also better at differentiating the work, sometimes she has different work to the rest of the class. Her teachers in her old school didn't have the capacity to do that.

I also don't want her to spend all of year 6 preparing for SATS. It took my older DD about a year to get over the crazy pressure from SATS.

It is really important to find the right fit school for your child. We're lucky to have found a prep school that considers the individual needs of their pupils as well as it does.

If I could go back, I'd probably have sent both of mine to prep school. I think DD1 would have been less bored in primary school and would have found the transition to year 7 easier. And DD2 wouldn't have had to move school. The only thing they would have missed out on is mixing with a wider variety of people and therefore understanding their privileged.

I think it depends hugely on your child and local state school options. My DD went to an exceptional infant school and thrived.

She's now in an average junior school. She's bright, intellectually curious, well behaved and doing well. Interestingly, compared to a peer who went private at year 3, she's doing better academically.

However, DD is desperate to go private as she's fed up with the lack of co-curricular options, the lack of ambition, the lack of stretch.

Personally, I don't think you should just be asking people who DO have their kids in private preps. If your kids are happy and doing well, it's natural to put that down, at least in part, to the choice of school, esp if you've invested heavily in it. You'd be better considering the views of people who've experience both systems.
I have no experience of prep, but I had children at both state and private secondaries. it was a very surreal experience chatting to parents at the private school who would say things like 'I don't know what would have become of my child if we hadn't sent them to a school like this.' It just made me think they were in a very out-of-touch bubble.
Actually our state and private experiences weren't that dissimilar.

• Main difference was doing lots of sport/art outside school vs lots of sport/art inside school (and that would have been the same with whatever hobbies, unless as parents you're completely unable to facilitate extra curriculars outside school for whatever reason).
• We had the same issues in both systems with teaching going tits-up if you got a dud teacher for a year, or if a teacher had long-term illness.
• Slightly more emphasis on developing good behaviour and social skills at private secondary. But our state primary (CofE) was wonderful for behaviour and ethos, so I wouldn't say you'd need to go private from 4 for that.
• More emphasis on goal setting and more individualised feedback at private. But again, not sure you really need that at 4, and my brighter DC who didn't go private has achieved just as well academically as my brighter DC who did.
• My less academic DC was in lower sets in state school, and I think that did affect her negatively because discipline was challenging for teachers. So for me, I'd strongly consider private for less academic kids (but a less selective school where they're not near the bottom, as that would be demoralising). But you won't know where they stand academically until they're, what, 10, 13? Often becomes apparent later for boys than for girls.
• At our private school, the many kids who'd been to state primaries did better at GCSEs on average than the ones who'd been at preps. But that is probably skewed by the particular intake at that particular school.

I'd suggest also considering what they'd be gaining by going state at first. More understanding of different types of lives, rather than being in a bubble. And, very important in my view, very local friends. Round the corner friends who they can get together with easily, and start developing a bit of independence with as they get towards the end of primary.

I'd always suggesting starting in state and moving to private when/if it feels advantageous. It may never do so.

My DCs went to state primary and comprehensive. They did very well. DC1 got 4xAstar at A level and went on to Imperial, got a 1st and is now working as a scientist. DC2 got 3xB at A-Level despite undiagnosed dyslexia and ADHD. They are now studying a STEM subject at a top uni.

I think the preparation for private senior entrance exams is one of the main benefits of private prep.
It depends. Years ago, Preps round here used to be independent and boast about outcomes for their pupils - prestigious schools, scholarships, etc.
Nowadays most Preps are associated with a Secondary. They want you to progress to their Senior school (or, maybe, the other school in the consortium for the also-rans) and have no incentive to help you go elsewhere.

As ever, it depends very much on the specific school and the alternatives available to you.
We sent our DC to a prep school initially and then switched to state because we concluded it simply wasn't worth it. There was nothing "wrong" with the prep school but when I compared what my DC were getting compared to what my friend's DC were getting at our local village school then I concluded that it didn't represent very good value for money. There were some things that were better but not thousands of pounds a term worth better and most of the differences could be made up for outside school anyway. In reality, I was paying a lot of money for nice grounds.
Of course this was only true because our state option was very good, with similar sized class sizes to the prep and a lot of extracurriculars. Had I lived somewhere where that was not the case I'd probably have stuck with the prep.
I think what makes it "worth it" or not, is what the difference is between the schools that are realistic options for you. If it's fairly small as it was for us, it probably not worth it. If it's a massive gulf, it almost certainly is.

I'm not doubting this experience at all, and it is partly what makes me reticent about using private schools, even if it's affordable. I was state educated, loved school, didn't get anything less than the top grade in every GCSE and A-Level exam I sat, etc...

I am also conscious that I was lucky, school really suited me, and that this is not the norm in any setting. My sibling did not do as well academically - who knows if more attention and resources might have changed this? Certainly, schools have had their funding reduced and challenges have increased since I left!

I suppose the overall school experience is more important to me than grades. I am also considering the extra-curricular activities available at prep, and the after-school care (ironically, needed because of the good career that my state school led me to). But balancing this against the potential pitfalls of excess privilege and too much competition!