Refusal to go to school

[AmusedStork]

I am really fighting against my child she should go to go to school even though I understand her frustration.

At age 7 the school councillor told me to speak with a doctor as she has more flags for ASD than they'd expect. 3 years on I'm still waiting for an assessment.

Before holidays my daughter was in a group to make a video to promote recycling. Usually teachers will say she just follows others, never has an opinion and needs to speak up and put forward her because her opinion matters. On this day, she done exactly that. She shared her ideas with the group and they loved her idea. One child who sat writing a script told her she would see if she could fit my childs idea in even though. 4 out of the group liked my daughters idea and no one wanted to do lines in the other childs script leaving her many lines to learn.

My daughter is very very shy. She would buckle. She came home and wrote some ideas down, took them into school and spoke to the little girl who wrote the script. She said that maybe they could switch things up to get everyone involved. The child who wrote the script got upset, crying and told the teacher.

The temp teacher spoke to my child, said she loved her ideas and said to speak with her teacher because the other child was being sensitive. The classroom assistant spoke to my child and said she loved her ideas and she'd get the teacher to speak with them.

Anyways in-between times my daughter drew a Christmas picture. She asked her classmates if they wanted to see. The boy across from her read the name and said "Oh I know X they live on my street and say you're fat".

My daughter came home from school upset, screaming she wasn't going back. I managed to calm her down. Spoke to the teacher about it. He phoned saying that my child had been spoken to by the teacher and the classroom assistant and she wanted everything done her way and wasn't taking the other children into consideration. I then went and spoke to my child asking why they believe she wanted everything done her way? She was confused. I thought it was perhaps how the other child explained.

Next day they had to make a poster about "Christmas trees past". My daughter was in a group with a boy whose first language isn't English. He would use Google translate. Which is fine. Anyways he added artifical tree pictures and my daughter asked "Should we add a real tree as they've been about longer". They boy started translating for the classroom assistant. The classroom assistant they said "Can I have another IPAD for (My child) because she's upsetting the boy"

My daughter came home heartbroken. She has been encouraged for years to speak up and contribute towards groups but then both times she has she's been told she wants things her way or upsetting others.

She goes into school the next day. The teachers say they are going to shoot their videos for recycling. My child went into rage mode and said "I'm very sorry but I am not taking part in group activities". The classroom assistant says "Yes you are" and my daughter says "No I won't and if you force me I won't come to school". The class teacher brought her out of class and spoke to her.

The teacher phoned me saying all this, that a member of staff would be with them all day, that my child was being very aggressive and confrontational to another child but reassured her she's a kind and every well behaved member of the class. Telling me that she didn't still get the concept of group work.

When my daughter got home she told me that the teacher said my child wanted it all her way. She is 11 years old and should understand teamwork by now. She was told off being confrontational asking the other girl questions because she wanted the other child to admit that she did add ideas the group wanted but she ignored as the teacher was saying that my child never contributes. They told her then the other child shines when doing projects like this and got carried away.

My daughter has refused to go back in since.

The comments of my daughter having ideas and saying she just wants everything her own way but the child who dismissive of others ideas, writer, director, and videographer shines. She says if she's to go back in and the teacher asks her a maths question she's going to say "Ask someone who shines more"

For her the teacher and classroom assistant who spoke with her regarding her ideas. The classroom has went through the years with her class and the teacher she had for 2 years and ECO committee with. She trusted to speak to them. Now after saying her ideas were good and the other childs being sensitive. She hears from her class teacher that they've said she wants everything her way.

She's frustrated. She tried to contribute towards a group and ignored. And in her words is made to feel like a brat or openly told she's upsetting kids. Feels like the little confidence she did have has been wiped our.

She feels like her class hates her as no one talks with her. I thought maybe this was exaggerating but at a youth club she tried to interact with her classmates and they ignored her. Over Christmas we were shopping in infront of me and her father she waved and smiled at a classmate and she just gave her dirty looks. She just feels miserable.

The school don't care either. They said its all hiw she feels and doesn't reflect reality. For example she said "I should sit in groups and shut up". The teacher says no one told her to do that but making her feel bratty and saying she upset the boy cause her to feel that way.

I could drag her into school kicking and screaming but she's a great kid but when she's frustrated she handles it badly. I know she'll go in with a whole attitude.

What would you do?

School is about trying to get on and work with others - Maybe your daughter is overbearing to some of the other children?

You only have one side of the story, remember.

It's really hard to tell from this what's going on. Wanting things done exactly the way they want can be part of autism for some people. My middle DS for example really struggles to compromise, wants things done the exact right way. This isn't an issue for my autistic DD but she's been having a lot of social problems, that got worse from around 10.5. I know she shuts down if she feels hurt or excluded and doesn't always interpret things accurately. I also know most of the girls have been having friendship issues this year, they're all 12+, there's been a lot of drama and exclusion, DD has been bullied by one particular girl who's thankfully left the school now. From what I gather from the teachers it's not unusual for all this to be going on for girls around this age, maybe your DD has faced similar friendship dramas and doesn't really know how to deal with it. The different things the teacher is saying about your DD I'd be looking to book a time and have a in-depth talk about what's going on. Tell them your DD is having school refusal, ask how they can help, how they can support your DD to feel confident about going back to school. There's a SN board on here and FB groups for school refusal, they could be good places to go to get some targeted advice and support.

With the wait for a diagnosis look up right to chose NHS, I don't know at what stage of the process you can exercise this but it may help her be seen sooner.

‘I am very sorry but I am not taking part in group activities anymore’ 🤣

She’s 11. She doesn’t get to decide what she does and doesn’t want to do at school, end of. Frankly OP she sounds very overbearing and immature for her age. She needs to learn proper boundaries around both teachers and other pupils. Not everything will always go her way in life - you’re reinforcing this entitlement by allowing her to refuse school over this. Group projects are all about learning how to communicate and make compromises with others, even if they don’t agree with you. It’s a lesson that she obviously needs to learn.

She sounds like my autistic daughter at 11, bossy, opinionated and rigid in thinking. I’m also autistic (so is my son) and these are common behaviours. Unfortunately, with or without a diagnosis, your DD needs more support. I’d suggest speaking to the school senco about support for her and being very careful on picking a secondary school - SEN support is not consistent and you need to find the right school.

Good luck 💐

Did you miss the bit about her having signs of ASD? All the behaviour sounds very linked so this child needs some support not judgment.
OP, sounds like the school are likely trying their best but have little awareness of how to support someone ND, try speaking to the SENCO even without a diagnosis they should still be looking to support embed based on what she is displaying already.
sorry you’re both going through this tough time, it seems to be heartbreakingly common for kids with additional needs being let down in schools

Hmm.
I think you're hearing one side.

She's reminding me of a friend's dc. Lovely lovely girl. Very bright and full of ideas, and my dc got on fantastically with her. She also had ASD.
But she hated school and felt everyone was against her because how she tended to act. Her Mum said she could exactly see the problem.

What would happen in group work was she'd give her idea very enthusiastically. It would probably be a good idea because, as I said she was bright and interested.
And she'd finish talking and go straight to do it. Then one of the others would say something along the lines of "can we talk a bit more?"
She'd then tell them there was nothing to talk about and they needed to get on and do it.
So the other children would then start giving ideas, which she would rubbish throughout. By then the rest of the group was normally getting a bit sick of her insisting on her ideas and back the other ideas.
She'd sulk and refuse to help, or just continue with her idea even if it impeded the final result.
She'd go home and say it wasn't fair because her idea was the best and the teacher was doing favourites because she hadn't said the group had to do what she wanted.

The thing was she could see that her idea was good, so felt that it should be done and because she had ASD she saw it as black and white.. This is clearly the best way therefore doing it another way is wrong.

It wasn't always what she said, so much as how she said it.
I remember one time one of mine saying they needed the toilet when we were out, and I said "okay, let's go this way."
She said. "That's not the way. It's this way."
Now that sounds not too bad. But she said it in a way that was saying, "you're stupid. I'm right." She was sort of right - in that both ways got there, and I'd chosen the other way for a reason I hadn't said. And I knew her well enough to react well enough. But her own peers would potentially have flared off, walked the other way (and she'd have gone her way) and then she'd have been upset because hey "abandoned her".

She went off for a gap year and came back after 2 weeks because she'd fallen out with everyone, even her cousin who she'd always got on well with before. When Mum talked to the group leader he said roughly what was said above.

If you just sympathise with her and say she'd wrongly treated, then she won't learn.
Roll play with her. Get her to express herself in a different way.
"Let's go this way to the toilet."
"I think this way is quicker."
"I want to go this way."
"Okay, we'll go your way. Maybe we can go back my way."

Compromise, expressing opinions in a way that allows discussion and doesn't shut it down are things that can be learnt but are hard if it doesn't come naturally.