What are my options here? DS very unhappy in Y6

[LittleSeasideCottage]

DS is in year 6 at a local state primary school. He is very unhappy and pretty miserable to tell the truth. He doesn't have anyone he considers to be a friend or feels a connection to (although others consider him to be a good friend). He is a very bright boy and is bored and unchallenged. The teacher appears to be going through the motions and if honest is struggling to control the class effectively.

DS is going to a local independent school from Y7 up to the end of 6th form. He is very excited and looking forward to it, and hopefully should be starting transition days soon.

The problem is we are on the verge of him refusing to go to his current school and he regularly comes home in tears. He feels bullied and isolated and is just so miserable. He has anxiety at night time about going in the next day and his shoulders sag as he walks in, it's heartbreaking.

I've spoken to his teacher and the head master but nothing changes. They just seem to be unable to actually help in any meaningful way.

I've always believed in finishing things off as a useful lesson in life, especially as DS knows where he is going next. I guess its the 'See it through to the end' mentality; however, DS has yet again come out in tears due to the bad behaviour of others in his class. I'm sick of seeing him so unhappy.

So I need to know what are my options here for the last six months after Xmas until he finishes in July?

What could I reasonably do?

I don't give a stuff about SATs as they're irrelevant to how he will be streamed in the next school.

What would you do?

Looking for advice or ideas from other. Thanks in advance ☺️

Luckily the school and parents are much more open minded and welcoming. So no problem there.

Maths is where he excels so I think that's part of the problem. He's just bored and not being stimulated by what they're teaching. A maths tutor is a really good idea 👍🏻

If you do homeschool it might be best to concentrate on his weaker subjects as he will presumably thrive at the STEM subjects anyway.

It sounds like, although very smart, he could be a little behind the other children when he starts secondary due to the failures of his current school. An English tutor could bridge any gaps.

Really glad it worked out for him and he's happier now. Sounds like it was the right move.

I completely agree.

You say you're open to challenging your thinking yet dismissing some obvious solutions like moving schools.
Both my DC had children join their Yr6 classes in the January. I was really surprised when it happened to DC1 as, like you, I wasn't sure why someone would move their child with just two terms to go unless for a major reason like job relocation etc. In both cases, it worked really well.
I think now can actually be quite a good time to move schools as you'll find there are a number of people who are outgrowing friendship groups made when they were younger and others are forming different loyalties depending on which secondary they are going to so there may be more people looking for new friends than you might expect. Plus, it means that they get a chance to get fully involved in class life before all the post SATS fun like school trips, a production etc is too finely planned.
DC1 is now in Yr10 and the girl who joined in Jan of Yr6 remains one of her closest friends from primary even though they went to different secondaries. The boy who joined in Yr6 in DC2's class is a core part of their get togethers 2yrs later.

I think flexi schooling is a good fit, it will mean that school takes up a lot less space in his head but that it also gives you a chance to help him process the situation.

If he feels fragile and takes things very personally that aren't meant that way, he'll be off to a worse start in high school than if he can clearly differentiate between a "them problem," and "him problem," and can tell when things are not intentionally mean.

My DS sounds similar to yours in terms of friendships at this age - he was desperate for the kind of soulmate/BFF that he saw some of the girls having with each other (he also has a female friends he is this close to outside school). However, most of the boys are just kicking a ball about with whoever, they aren't more unfriendly to him than anyone else. I found it has really helped him to talk through the reality and not to take everything so personally, to put himself in their shoes and ask "who does have movie sleepovers every weekend," so he can see it is none of the boys. I also build up his sense of self by focusing on a couple of hobbies he could feel he was good at and his ability to make friends easily at these things, away from school.

I think you know this, hence the "feels bullied," rather than "is bullied." You are giving him more control, showing he is listened to and in the flexi time you can focus on the things he likes increasing his confidence.

You ask what your options are, but it’s clear you are dismissing 2 of them without explaining why.

1. leave him where he is
2. pull him out and homeschool
3. move him to the school he’ll be at for year 7
4. move him to a different school

It seems the only one you’re considering is number 2, so I’m not sure why you’ve asked what the options are!

Unless the year 7 school is miles away and you’re planning on moving before September, I can’t think of a reason why you wouldn’t think that the best option is to start him there now.

The danger with homeschooling is he’ll be very anxious come September about starting a new school, after 8 months at home.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

We'll have a think and talk to both schools and DS after Christmas and come up with a plan.

Interestingly, DS isn't desperate for a BFF, he's invited to parties and social events, he's just not interested. He got a Xmas card from one lad saying you're my best friend, which I though was wonderful. DS just shrugged it off. I think he wants friends that he enjoys and finds interesting rather than just having friends for the sake of it. I keep telling him he just hasn't found his friendship group yet.

He's a very bright lad who has sporting potential as well, who when not stressed out is confident and well liked. I think he'll really fly at his new school. We've just got to get him there.

I really don't understand people promoting flexi schooling. He hates the school, its genuinely making him miserable. He already feels socially isolated from his peers and flexi schooling will only increase this.

He has given it a good shot but it is not working for him. Its a good lesson to learn that you have choices in life. He is leaving to something positive, that is home schooling and then a new school. That is not 'quitting', that is making a sensible positive choice to a better fit.

None of the adults on this thread saying ' flexi school so that he learns you cannot quit in life' would, if they were in a job that made them miserable, find a new job, but only do it part-time so that they could continue in part-time in their misery making job, just to keep the principle of ' not being a quitter'. None of them would do that as that is clearly insane. So why promote this insane option for a ten to eleven year?!

I've always believed in finishing things off as a useful lesson in life - a belief that needs a rethink! The other important lesson is to adapt to the unexpected and change direction.

Throwing in the towel too soon is not a good idea, but he is clearly unhappy.

It is only 2 terms - I am sure you can sort something out - lots of suggestions above.

My GS spent his last primary year in a different school because he was not happy. All worked out fine and he is now happily in secondary.

I’d pull him out. In year 6 state schools are completely focused on reducing the poverty related attainment gap, so bright kids who have already met all the targets can be completely ignored by the teachers. There’s nothing to be gained by making him go at this point, and a lot to be lost in terms of his confidence and happiness.

There are lots of home education groups, a group local to you might have some interesting stuff he can join in with until September.

I de-registered my son due to continuing bullying at school from yr 5 and started using resources online from Oak Learning. We also found a fantastic tutor online who did lessons with him 1:1 for two hours 3 days a week. I work from home so it was easy for me to check in on him and ensure he was doing the work. He was a changed boy within a matter of weeks and it was most definitely the best decision I ever made. He moved onto secondary education with no issues and has found his people in his new school. My only regret is I didn't do it sooner! If your child is constantly coming out of school so miserable you really need to consider removing him, HE is not so scary and can be a very flexible schedule.

Did he shrug it off to the kid who sees your DS as his best friend? It sounds like he has lots of kids who like him an lot and see him as a friend. Does he really not want to be friends with any of them?

Unless the year 7 school is miles away and you’re planning on moving before September, I can’t think of a reason why you wouldn’t think that the best option is to start him there now.

Tbf there are quite a few reasons why this might not be an option and I expect the OP doesn't want the thread derailed into talking about that. Off the top of my head:

Relying on a funded, subsidised or staff place that the school or LA will not honour until year 7. Relying on a trust/family fund that can only be accessed for secondary education. No space on the school minibus until September. Parent has other work/life commitments that end before September. Child has a disability and the school are not able to accommodate this disability at short notice.

Or simply that the parent has asked and the school do not have space!

Is it possible he has some issues himself, social related? If so then a period of homeschooling may be a temporary relief for him but would also mask the issue until he gets to senior school and could potentially exacerbate the problem as he will be “out of practice” socially. Apologies if this is a red herring.

I cannot understand why you wouldn’t send him to the y6 of the independent. I assume they have space as you’d have said if not, and they likely wouldn’t offer transition days if very full. I know you don’t want to explain but that’s quite frustrating as it seems the very obvious solution.

Are you able to have him at home?

I think this is what I would do for 2 terms. He's not going to learn much more now during the rest of year 6.

Anything he does between now and start of year 7, like reading, science projects, maths practice will be beneficial.
He could set his own curriculum really.
Reward him with a "field trip" in the summer if he stays motivated!

If I had known that DD1 would not be offered any suitable state secondary and we would end up at independent- I’d have pulled her out and home schooled for the last two terms of year six. She was bored to death and due to ND was very lonely and unhappy. I only kept her in because we would have needed her to have SAT results to ensure she was appropriately set at state.

The only things she enjoyed for 6 months were the year 6 residential and the school play. That was all.

So if I were you and you can do it - take him out, travel, visit museums and live life a bit differently for a while.

How do I actually deregister him from the school and switch to home Schooling? is it simply an email to the school saying we no longer need his place?

Nearly. You do need to include the reason for taking him off the register, namely that he is now being home educated. By law, a child who is of "Compulsory School Age" can only be removed from the register if one of a specific list of reasons applies (now being home educated, has moved away from the area, now registered at another school, etc). So it isn't enough to simply say the place isn't required; you have to say why. You can find example letters here: https://www.educationotherwise.org/resources/

For children in England and Wales who are attending a mainstream school, you do not have to request consent to deregister. Just send the letter to the school and you're sorted.