Moving from private to state school when child doesn’t want to leave…

[Marchpane123]

Does anyone have any experience of this or thoughts of how we can manage the transition? DS is 14 and about to start yr 9 (we are in Australia so school year starts in Jan). He has been attending a private school since year 3, managed in a very average way until the last two years when he joined middle school and his behaviour and academic performance have declined steeply. In the last year he was diagnosed with ADHD and given medication which has helped somewhat, but he is very disengaged with anything to do with school and we recently got the results of his end of year exams which are mainly Es and ungraded. The school has resources to support him (counsellors etc) but he won’t see them as to his mind nothing is wrong.
During the year he has been very difficult to get up for school and we have major issues getting him to go every day. He says he hates school etc. As a result, we have been looking at other schools (local government school and other private schools which are less academic) and he has expressed interest in the government school. This seemed like a much better option all around - it is closer to us, has a later start time, has vocational offerings which he might be a better fit for him and it would be a fresh start. However over the last couple of weeks he has changed his mind and says he wants to stay at his current school, he will work really hard etc etc. he can’t explain why he wants to change and I think it is simply to stay with his friends and a fear of change. While his school hasn’t asked him to leave and has been supportive in the transition to senior school, I feel it’s unlikely he can really fulfil the very academic requirements of the school, do homework for 1.5 hours a night as expected etc. He is now saying that if we move him to the local school he will just refuse to go. I am really worried that if we move him (and I think we have to - he clearly isn’t succeeding where he is) he will go completely off the rails (he has a history of making very bad decisions and has even been in trouble with the police) He has a sister who is doing very well at her private school, is very happy and taking part in co-curricular activities so I think he’ll feel this is unfair. But he is making no use at all of any of the opportunities offered at his school…

Does the household revolve around your son and what he wants? Is there any discipline for when he acts up?

You say he's been in trouble with the police and he can't be bothered to go to school. You now seem to be desperate to find ways to appease him.

Whatever you're doing isn't working.

This is a complicated situation.
It sounds like you are trying to make a good decision for your son. Since, until recently, he's been borderline refusing and says he hates his (private) school, then moving him to a different school seems sensible.
If it helps, you could tell him that you've given notice to the private school and signed the contract with the state school. Having an external, practical reason might give everyone a focus. (In reality, I'm sure if you offered to keep paying the fees, the private school would take him and there's no 'contract' for state schools but he probably doesn't realise this)

It sounds like part of the problem was his attitude and he's now saying he's willing to address that. If you take him at his word and give him another chance, you'd presumably still have the option to move schools at a later date if it came to it? But I'd only do it against his will as a last resort - if he's willing to work with you on this, start by taking him up on that.

How does your exam system work? Is a move in Y10 if Y9 doesn’t work out a possibility? Is the medication working optimally and does it last long enough to facilitate evening homework? We’ve just started to trial an additional dose of short acting meds in the evening on top of a slow release one in the morning for my son (Y10 diagnosed a year ago). I think it’s important that he doesn’t feel like being moved is a punishment. We have the same issues with getting up and getting to school - the time blindness is a big issue. Put whatever help in place you can - his self esteem will have taken a battering from struggling - ADHD kids are around a third delayed in maturity/executive function compared to NT peers and if he feels be can’t do the work and keep up it’s not surprising he has disengaged.
The government school and investing what you save in fees in tutoring/executive function support might be the best outcome but he needs to be on board. Is there a course there not offered by his current school that might swing it? Does he have something he is good at outside of school? We have tried and dropped so many things but my son has finally found the thing he loves and is good at - he gets lots of positive feedback from instructors and it’s done wonders for his self esteem.

You have good reasons for changing schools and it sounds as if the conversation has been had with him. He isn't actually buckling down and working, just saying he will, so it's meaningless really. You are the adult here, you know his results are awful and he's not thriving or growing up as he needs to be. It isn't about wants, whims and false promises from him

It sounds as if learning there are consequences to his actions (failing at school, not engaging) will actually do him the world of good. What are the consequences of him being late each day, or is it all on you?

Reassure him he can stay in touch with his friends but emphasise that his current school is not working for him