Concerns about DS behaviour in school

[user4857281]

DS (4) started school in September.
For background he has been in nursery since the age of one and we have never had any issues. He is a very confident boy who will happily speak to anyone. Me, DH and DD are all fairly quiet so not sure where he gets it from.

Nursery have always been really positive about him and his confidence saying how ready he was for school. His reports were always great and no behaviour issues. Initially I thought he was doing great at school as he happily went in and came home and nothing was really said. However we had our first parents evening which wasn't bad but they mentioned that he wasn't always paying attention at carpet time.

Since then his teacher has regularly told me at pick up time that he has been disruptive in class.

We have obviously spoke to DS on each occasion this happens. His reasons are he was either bored or trying to ask questions. Each time we explain the importance of good listening etc. Tonight I have told him there will be consequences if he does this again. Not sure what yet but possibly hiding one of his favourite toys for a few days.

Probably going to get flamed for this but something doesn't sit right. I love his confidence and I somehow feel like he is getting suddenly told off by us and his teachers for it. I probably feel like this as I was exceptional shy at school and so is my DD. We were the 'good girls' which in the long run isn't a great thing.

At home he is fine he just happily plays with his toys, enjoys sitting down to read with me and whilst does have a lots of questions can have a really good conversation.

Would appreciate any advice on how to handle/if anyone else has similar do they just grow out of it/get use to sitting /listening better?

He sounds like a confident lad adjusting to a new routine. Nursery has less routine and structure, with lots of independent and child-led play. Have you asked the school about their strategies in class for children who are adjusting to new rules and settling in? They've only been there a term and a half so far, so it's still early days.

Thank you @comedycentral that's a good way of looking at it and I will put this to them. I have just been abit taken back and not really know what to say as I didn't want to look like I was disagreeing with them. So always just say I will speak to DS.

It's a partnership, really. They have to come up with the strategies in the classroom, and you need to back them up and reinforce what they're saying so DS knows everyone is on the same page. I think he'll settle in soon; he's still so little.

What does "disruptive in class" mean in Reception/Foundation at his school?

How does 'not paying attention' at carpet time manifest itself?

From the limited examples being abit distracted not sitting still /looking at other things.

Another day he was apparently in the middle of building something when it was carpet time. He did not want to stop what he was doing and join in.

"He did not want to stop what he was doing and join in"

The being a bit distracted, not sitting still whilst on the carpet, may still be him learning to settle himself, especially when there are lots of other children around him. Is he able to sit at a table to eat a meal?

The bit I quoted though is something that is more important as he needs to follow that instruction from the adult. Does he follow instructions well at home?

My DS was like this and it got worse before it got better. He is still a confident person

I wouldn't personally make consequences at home for this. School will hopefully have addressed this with him at the time. By all means have a chat about it with him at home, but I wouldn't be hiding any toys as punishment. Home is a different scenario.

The trouble is teachers often are too polite when feeding back to parents for fear of upsetting them. Try and get more detail about how he is disrupting the other children’s learning. Dealing with so many children can mean it’s hard for teachers to remember in great detail but if you arrange a meeting the teachers can make a mental note of the behaviours.
Is it possible OP that for fear of your child being shy like yourself, you have encouraged any antisocial behaviour? Is he considerate of others (in an age appropriate way?) Is he respectful of adults?
I would support teacher’s expectations by talking about them at home but I wouldn’t take any toys away. Teachers will have given consequences for disruptive behaviour at the time so you won’t need to do that at home too but I think it’s important to keep reinforcing eg “Remember DS, Miss X needs everyone to come and sit on the carpet/tidy up/turn and listen/stop talking etc so that everyone can learn. You need to do those things when Miss X asks.” Keep reinforcing her authority and the need to follow her instructions.

Yes he sits down for lunch fine at home and in school I believe.

The following instruction one he does most of the time at home. Although thinking about it unless we are in a rush to go somewhere I very rarely tell him to stop doing something immediately. Normally for example if I can see he is in the middle of something I give him afew minutes warning. For example finish that colouring now as your dinner will be ready in 5/10 minutes.

Yes good idea I will ask for a meeting if the issue persists.

I really don't think I raised him any different to DD who is 2 years older than him. If anything he was a lockdown baby who had very limited interaction with others for the first year of his life. His personality has always been just confident/happy to talk to random people.have full conversations from a young age. Up until school I haven't had any real issues with his behaviour,

Agree with everyone saying consequences at home are not needed. I suppose I feel like I should be trying to do something.

I eyerolled when I saw ‘carpet time’

I even got complaints about dd1 on the carpet and she is was a highly compliant child and turned into an exemplary student in time. Dd2 lots of complaints and her behaviours fine at school too.

I have no idea why they spend 3 years training kids to sit on a carpet, then at the start of year 3 they take it away.

They take away carpet time but the expectation is that they will then be able to sit still on a chair at a desk. Carpet time is a low key pre cursor to sitting at a desk so it's important.

OP - if the teacher is saying he's disruptive then he's not following the instructions like the others. It's so common that school behaviour and home behaviour are different. School is highly structured and much more time sensitive. They will give warnings but there isn't much flexibility in timings so he wouldn't be able to have an extra five minutes to finish a project like you can do at home.

Backing up the expectation in school is important but you shouldn't need to punish him at home.

It isn’t a low key pre curser though is it? The kids are in far closer proximity to each other than they are sitting at tables. Interestingly the ones who struggled with it were usually put on a chair instead.

I had this with DS2 but the very experienced Y1 teacher told me that she was dealing with it and there should be no punishment at home, just reminders of what was expected at school before I dropped him off. He got there, and he wasn’t the only one. Trying to get him to stop doing LEGO to sit on a carpet was not easy.