Reception DS struggling a lot

[worriedmumnov2024]

Hi all, my DS started reception in September. He is October born so just turned 5. He is struggling so much with behaviour, almost everyday at pickup I am told he has been naughty - from pushing/biting other children (although this seems to have settled a bit), to screaming out/making noises in assembly, to now running out of the classroom and climbing the fence at play time.
All of these behaviours are new, he has transitioned from a fairly small nursery class (8-10) in his room, to a one form entry primary school. At nursery we were always told he had had good days/played nicely/never really had any problems.
For context he lives half the time with me and half the time with his other parent/their new partner/kids. We coparent fairly well, get along enough to communicate frequently about him. We are also both teachers, but of secondary age. We are aware that this could be related to SEND and open to that but so far there don't appear to be any triggers. We have had one meeting with the school who had implemented a reward system which working for a fortnight but now seems not to have any impact.
Any and all thoughts and suggestions gratefully received!

Do you suspect send or bad behaviour- what’s his response when punished

I had had no concerns about SEND previously but have worked enough with children to think behaviour is communication. I think he is unhappy. But punishment or reward seem to make little difference to him.

My eldest pulled out a whole range of new behaviours in Reception that he'd never done at nursery, including running out of the classroom and jumping off the furniture. In our case we already knew there was SEND involved, but he had managed at nursery with very little additional support.

OP if it's stuff that he is not doing at home, then the school will just have to try different approaches to get him to settle down. In our case it took pretty much the whole of Reception but then year 1 was hugely better.

Thanks @SatinHeart that's good to know. Was there anything in particular your school tried which had an impact?

You think he's unhappy so that's what you need to tackle.

Is he struggling living between two homes? Are there issues with the new step parent and family? Is there stuff going on in your lives that you think he'd hardly understand but actually he's picked up on? Is he being bullied? Has he made friends here? How punitive are the punishments? Obviously no need to give me a reply to those but you need to work out why he's sad.

Thanks @SleepingStandingUp, you're absolutely right I think. I'm not sure if he remembers not living in two houses & not sure what I'd do about that really even if it was that. At both houses he seems happy, calm & in fact just lovely to be around. It is only in school that these behaviours are seen which leads me to think it might be that. Good suggestions about details of punishments/consequences, will definitely ask about that!

Ok so perhaps some issues with separation? How easily does he do hand over of a morning and between parents? My twins are the same age, one of them is DEFINITELY going through a clingy stage so whilst he's fine at handovers, if I'm around he's practically attached to me.

It's easy to focus on the behaviours but I'd focus on the roots. There's lots of books out there about feelings for this age, stuff like "Rhino gets Angry" and "Crocodile feels Sad" (not exact titles!!)

Drop offs are fine, although he does say he doesn't want to get dressed to go to school. Between parent swaps no problem at all, he is always excited to see the other!
When we've asked him he does say he wants to come home, that's why he was climbing the fence etc. I'm wondering if he needs something from home to take to school like a transition object.
Thanks for your thoughts @SleepingStandingUp , much appreciated

Could there be an issue with him and another child? Someone not being kind to him for example? Or could he be struggling with the learning? I know it's still a lot of play in reception but I assume he's learning phonics etc.

I'm not sure that there is one particular child not being kind but I don't think he's really made any friends particularly when he always had one/two close friends at nursery. Learning-wise school say he's doing well.

Ah bless him, it's hard for you as well so hope you're okay.

Have the school been back in touch beyond saying at the end of the day what he's done and the 2 week reward system that doesn't seem to be working anymore? I've been teaching for a fair few years now and it's not that uncommon; it's a huge transition for some children, and although it sounds like he's dealing well with living between homes and that you're doing an amazing job in regard to this, it can be a lot.

Does he get picked up by the same parent the same day every week- ie Mondays always you, Tuesdays always dad or whatever? It's great he can articulate it's because he wants to go home, it's a good starting point as upsetting as it can be to hear.

There won't necessarily be triggers that the school could identify. It could be more of a pressure cooker situation where at some point he is "full" and feel that flight fight and freeze response kick in so reacts, which is what the school see.

So I'd be suggesting you all work on emotional regulation approaches to practice in all settings and help reduce that build up of pressure. Also try to give him language he can use and a toy or place to help him express what is going on and to seek comfort from. If he's physical then I'd give him something physical to use etc.

Thanks @Sugarflub you've been very kind
We asked for a meeting with school just before half term to see how we could support him more but at that stage the rewards were working & we had hoped to have turned a corner. They have asked us to come in for a meeting on Monday which we will do, of course. Just want to go with a few suggestions if I can!!
He gets picked up by the same parent on consistent days but I wonder if it's worth making him a visual of this to go in his book bag so he can remind himself! Thank you again

@worriedmumnov2024 maybe that's the issue then. Especially if he's seeing other close friendships being made, it'd make him feel sad and he'd act out. I'd pull on that thread abit and see where it gets you.

I was going to say just this, I have taught a few little ones who have different parents pick them up (to be clear I'm not suggesting this is problematic at all because it isnt) but a visual has definitely helped some- not quite sure why but having tried lots of things it seems to be a common one. One just had a laminated days of the week piece of paper with the parent picking up and they'd excitedly tell me, another had a card for both and would carry the right one out with him for pick up. Every child is of course different, but starting school can be so overwhelming and emotionally and physically tiring for little ones that sometimes prompts and reminders help them feel more in control I guess.

That's good you have another meeting with the school, some other things off of the top of my head that have worked:

Love heart sewn into the inner sleeve of jumpers etc so they can look at it and rub it when they miss home

Class pebble that if a child is feeling overwhelmed and feels unable to articulate it they can pick it up and we can then support

Agreement for a quiet area or same seating every assembly etc to try and cope with the more chaotic parts of the day

Agree with a PP friendships can become quickly more complex than they were in nursery- the teacher will have no doubt noticed if an issue but might be worth asking them as there are ways we can ensure the class mixes more