Working mums .. do you sometimes feel a little out of the loop with school?

[sarahsandii]

I work 4 days a week. DD has just started reception and she attends wraparound those 4 days that I work. The other day I drop her off and pick her up at normal school times which I really enjoy.

I know a few of the mums from nursery so I always have someone to chat to etc, and my DD's best friend's dad is on the PTFA so I don't feel totally out of the loop.

But today is my non working day and when I dropped DD off, I just felt a bit out of the loop, and uninvolved and I guess I felt a bit guilty and maybe a little bit awkward as well. Like the other parents I saw seem to know each other better.

Anyway, I just wondered if others feel like this and does it get better as the year goes on? Is there always guilt whatever you do?

My two are in after school club 5 days a week, so yes I do feel a bit out of the loop. I do the drop offs, but rarely do pick ups. Ds is in year 2 now and dd is in reception, and through birthday parties and school events and stuff I have now started to make some friends, it's just taken time.

Realistically the mums who are there for every drop off and pick up will get to know each other a little better yes.

But that doesn’t mean you are unwelcome when you are there, don’t overthink it! In fact you may be a welcome change 😆

And there will be plenty of mums who are not there at any drop off or pick up, and loads who just do a few like you, don’t focus just on the ones who are always there.

I never do drop off’s or pick ups.

some parents I know from parties etc. lots I couldn’t pick out of a line up.

All I know about school is what the boys tell me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes I do. I worked round this by actively asking people for a coffee on my day off. Spent a year doing this so I built up a little network.

Honestly there will be other mums in the same boat.

Thanks all, good advice here and I'm feeling better already!

I guess I've been thinking in terms of concern that my DD will miss out BECAUSE I'm not as involved as others. But thinking back to my childhood, my mum was at every drop off and pick up and every school holiday, but being the shyest woman ever I wasn't even that involved so I'm sure there's a lot of variations no matter what's everyone's circumstances!

I'm not sure there is a 'loop' to feel left out of at my daughter's school. I'm not sure I'd want to be in it there was 😄

I never pick up (after school club) and only do one drop off. I think most parents are in the same boat, cobbling together childcare and paid work. I get the impression there are very few SAHPs in the class. I actually feel pretty lucky that the parents at school seem like relatively down to earth, nice people, getting on with their lives. There is no clique as far as I can tell.

I was never there at pick up. Drop off was a kiss at the gate, and off you go, no hanging around. I would chat to other parents at birthday parties and the odd fete, but that was it. Always smiling, always polite. I never felt left out and if there were cliques or whatever, I was totally unaware. . DC at secondary now, and none of the last 8 years matter! I will say hello if I pass those parents in the street, perhaps have a chat about how the kids are getting on, but it it isn`t very in-depth, just a politeness.
DH feels exactly the same

You're not alone so I wouldn't stress about it. At DDs school there is definitely a group of mums who see each other daily and mums like me who are just there on a Friday. I don't mind it really. I have a few friendly faces to talk to and there's a WhatsApp group for everyone. This is where having WhatsApp groups (or FB) come into their own. DS is at an independent school where he buses in each day so I have no contact at all in real life with mums but there's an active WhatsApp group for everyone to feel engaged and included

I’m never there and yes, DS1 did miss out (still cross with the woman who cheerfully told a friend that DS1 was one of her DD’s best friends but not invited to DD’s 7th birthday party (despite having come to his) because the Mum didn’t know me).

DS2 hasn’t missed out. There’s been a change in the demographic locally and nearly all the Mum’s in his year work FT or nearly FT and very few of them grew up locally (DS1 my best guess is 3/4 of the parents grew up in the village…so already had friends long before their DC started school).

But now we’re at secondary it’s irrelevant.

I think this far into Reception i'd be surprised if there's that much of a 'loop' yet. Once the party invites start coming you'll get to know people a bit more. Later in DC1 's Reception year the class mums started to go out for a meal together once in a while. Now I have 2 DC at the school and feel pretty involved even though I don't do may dropoffs and pickups.

Have you got a class Whatsapp group? I know they can be a mixed bag, but they can also be lovely and are great for keeping on top of what's going on with the class etc.

I wouldn't be surprised if those parents you’re seeing have older children at the school and knew each other before this school year. That was my experience at least! It takes time to feel more in the loop.

As someone who was in the playground pretty much every drop off and pick up you are not missing out on much. Most parents are working at least part time and lots of children are being picked up by childminders. I agree that some of us have children in older years and know each other through that and hang around the younger child's door and the older child either meets up with us there or outside the playground, it depends on what they are allowed to do.

To be blunt, just because you have a child and someone else does too does not mean you have anything in common. At least in a workplace you have something in common. The main thing is keeping on top of what days they need to bring stuff in etc so always check their bag, the website and their newsletter.

If my child loved your child and wanted a playdate I would make an effort to find you or give a note to the teacher to put in your child's bag. Then at secondary you never see anyone ever anyway

When mine were in primary I did two drop offs and two pick ups a week. The drop offs I literally chucked them in and to run for the train. Pick ups were in the majority grandparents / other family / childminders etc. about half the class were in wrap around anyway. I don't think there was a loop to be in. Dts' best friends mum worked opposite days to me so we never saw each other.

SAHM true confession- the school run is over-rated. I am sick of inane conversations revolving around the weather/laundry/absolute nonsense about school non-issues/absolute nonsense about children’s petty arguments/trying to stop younger siblings running off/conversations with absolutely anyone being interrupted by children/other parents feeding your kids constant snacks/parents moaning about the ice cream van outside/sending your child back to find their forgotten water bottle/coat/reading diary 😂 I am relieved to have met another Mum to discuss and swap decent fiction books with TBH 😂

Please do not feel guilty. I always make time to speak with my Mum friends who can only do the school run 1 or 2 days, some of my faves who I really look forward to seeing on their days. Both my son’s best friend’s Mums work, and we’ve found days that mutually work for play dates and message a fair bit. People will love to get to know you when you are there, and value bringing some different topics of conversation for sure! 😊

Sorry in answer to your question, it does get better in the sense of getting better through the Reception Year, my son is now the end of Year 1, so there have been more play dates/parties this year. It will definitely all fall into place with time, please try not to worry and sending you my best wishes x

There’s a loop? No one told me. 😂

seriously though - unless you need more friends I wouldn’t worry