What would happen here?

[lindaandrews]

I’m just curious but if an adopted child in full time education under the age of 18 is being encouraged by their adoptive parents to make contact with their birth parents (who abused them and who they want nothing to do with), what would a school do about it?

What if the student told their teachers they don’t want to go home to meet their birth parents?

Would the school protect the child or report the parents?

It would depend on circumstances. Presumably if contact is an option, the courts have deemed this safe enough.

The voice of children and young people should be listened to and respected. So if the young person said they don't want to meet birth parents and feel like their adopted parents are pushing the issue, the school should pass this information on to the child's social worker, if there is one, or should arrange to meet with the adopted parents directly to discuss the issue and share what the young person has disclosed. The school would have no direct way to "protect the child," or to "report the parents," unless they felt like they were at risk of harm, in which case a referral to social services may be made by the school.

Is this happening now? Because I thought you were resitting A levels so I would expect you to be over 18?

I am assuming no legal contact order forcing direct contact?

I'd frankly be surprised that adoptive parents were able to set up a meeting with birth parents at all (we personally don't have contact details for birth parents, we go via social services).

I'd hopefully expect the school safeguarding lead to contact the local adoption support social workers to provide guidance, or for an older teen, to encourage the teen to advocate for themselves via the emergency social work team.

I don't think an adopted child should be forced to meet with birth parents without their consent, unless I guess there is a legal contact order in place.

No, this is happening now.

Im not sure of the details but apparently when I was under 18 my birth parents kept trying to make contact but my adoptive parents said no since I was under 18. I’m not sure if there was a legal obligation or not but my birth parents don’t seem the sort to listen to requests so it must have been a legal order.

Im 18 now (yes I’m resitting my A-levels) but now my adoptive parents have invited my birth parents over to meet us. This is because my older sister who is the root cause of us being adopted since she was apparently abused was so desperate to make contact. I wasn’t because I don’t know or care about them and so do not want to meet them regardless.

They are coming to meet us in a few days and I will refuse to meet them.

I was just wondering if I was at school still if they could have told my adoptive parents to stop making contact as I didn’t want to.

Or, I was also wondering if my birth parents were legally barred from meeting me under 18 if my school could have done anything’s as apparently they have been stalking me to make contact by turning up at our house and school repeatedly.

You are 18 now. You don't need to meet them.
If they turn up and you are at home then go out the back door or whatever.

I am in a similar situation with 2 ADs. One may well want contact before the other. It isn't fair to prevent one having contact just because the other doesn't want it. On the other hand, neither should be forced to be included if they don't want. We also would encourage social worker involvement before any direct contact, and a discussion of the 'ground rules', especially if one wanted contact and the other didn't.

Why don't you contact your local authority post adoption support team and ask to speak to the duty social worker and chat it through with them?

How do your birth parents even know where you were at school?

Does this not fall under the jurisdiction of whoever arranged the adoption (SS?) and the courts? If there was a no contact order that would apply. Many birth parents are allowed annual updates by letter but that may not apply if abuse was involved. The school itself would only have a Safeguarding responsibility to report.

My adoptive parents are from a culture where they think you have to “reconcile” with people and are literally emotionally manipulating me into meeting them saying things like “how’d you feel if they died without you meeting them?”

They fail to appreciate that I’m not angry at these people - I just don’t know them or care since I was adopted as a baby.

My birth parents also happen to have two other children that I’ve never met and they are all coming to our house and apparently since it’s such a long journey by car they will stay at the house for the night.

My birth parents have already met my older sister since she went to visit them a few weeks ago and I deliberately didn’t so although their visit is because of her obsession with meeting them; they will likely insist on meeting me.

Omg this is so interesting.

A few years ago, I was rummaging through my adoptive father’s work to find something of my own since it was in the same area and I came across a letter addressed to my birth parents. I have always known I was adopted by the way.

And in that letter my adoptive father was detailing me and my siblings’ lives and giving updates. But he was also writing things like how I supposedly was very happy at the birth of my younger sibling who I’ve never met (even though I said no such things). He was writing loads of things that I’d never said especially since before turning 18 we never even discussed me being adopted although I always knew (it was like a dirty secret).

This sounds very difficult.
I don't think that at 18 you should be forced to meet your BPs (or at any age).
Having them stay overnight in your home sounds very unwise from your adoptive parents.
Is there a friend or some extended family you could stay with while they are staying?

The more you write the more concerning it is.
Adoption is not a dirty little secret, and in the time frame for you, social workers would have been recommending an open dialogue with you regarding adoption. You should have a life story book etc.
We did contact letters but always informed our DC and let them give input as they wished.

@lindaandrews

I would suggest getting in touch with Social Services to speak confidentially to one of the Social Workers, OP.

Do you know where the relevant Social Services department to you is?

So my birth parents are here and I have refused to meet them, staying in my room.

But now I have overheard my adoptive parents literally talking about me, telling them all my private business like the fact I’m resitting my A-Levels; my medical issues; what I plan to do in the future etc?

Why are they doing this? They have no right to tell people my personal business.

You don't have to engage and after hopefully gaining entry to university, I would consider if you still want to be part of adoptive family if they cannot follow your wishes regarding your birth parents. It is an option. If you choose this route - get your A Levels and university sorted along with considering how to financially support yourself through your degree before cutting ties. I think the Small Piece trust works with adoptive children to support University education.

Also speak to your school - they may be able to direct you to more help and advice.