GCSES - teen boy vs worried parents

[JM88Jen]

Awful parents evening recently - DS has started spending time with a bad bunch of boys, they all disrupt lessons and he is not applying himself like he did last year.
Was expected A, B and C's for GCSES but only performing at D and Es at the moment.

Anyone else struggling to encourage their child to focus and revise?
As parents we just want him to pass these exams but at the moment it seems he quite simply can't be arsed 🙈

Does he know what he needs for next steps and what the alternatives are?
In particular resitting maths & English is a pain.

Are you not in UK to be getting letter grades? Mine are same age, Y11.

We had a meeting at school the other day - parents and kids - where they emphasised the importance of having the right friends.

I think all you can do is:

• keep emphasising the importance of doing your best and not having regrets later
• study times every day (our school say 4 x 25 min chunks with 10 min break between - no phone as they're then thinking about it!).
• boundaries regarding going out/ being on phone until exams are over (and consequences for breaking those boundaries).
• What good friends really are - supportive, hardworking, ambitious, kind

If his new found friends say his parents are too strict and he's too boring then all the better. Even if he kicks back, some of what you say will go in. Even if he messes up it's not the end of the world but you can try your best to ensure it doesn't happen, so your conscience is clear. At 16 they are young adults but they are NOT adults and still need rules/ guidance and plenty of encouragement.

@PrincessOfPreschool Wales still has letters.

Does he know what he wants to do after GCSE's? And/or what he might like to do as a career? If you can get him thinking about his future and what he needs to get there it might help a bit. Also perhaps a talk about how worried you are that he's throwing away his future for friends who in a few years time will probably have moved on and he won't even see any more.

Yes we live in Wales.

He does have a career in mind and will need to go on to A levels and Uni to achieve this but at the moment it seems he's totally unbothered.

We know to just pass them would be ideal so no resits etc to do.

We ask for his location or for him to say who he is going out with etc but he has been saying recently how we are too strict/fussy and why are we the only parents like that 🙄

I find it difficult to navigate this stage... My friends have little ones so no where near the teen ages.

Going to enjoy this half term and get him to sit down with us to make a revision timetable to fit in the week.

It's almost as if he is trying too hard to act cool that he can't ask for help if he is truly struggling with school work.

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We ask for his location or for him to say who he is going out with etc but he has been saying recently how we are too strict/fussy and why are we the only parents like that 🙄

Mine say that about their chores. They always have the worst parents! I can sympathise as my DS was similar in Y9 but the message has got through during Y10 and especially now. He did moan that we were strict but now has new friends. I'm friends with some of the parents of old group and they just moan that their child will fail. So, they did have hopes for their child but they didn't do much, excited a 15yo to take control of their own future!

You can agree some rules but I would take a bit of control and say that until GCSEs are over, these are the rules. He's still learning self control and this is to help him. His exam grades are of zero benefit to you. Focus on how well he has done in the past and how well he could do if he puts some effort in. Seek positivity.

Some possible rules for next few months:

No going out on weeknights (apart from Friday).
Weekends he should use location or he can't go out the next time.
There should still be a couple of hours work scheduled on weekend so if he wants to go out 4-10pm then do the work before.
No coming home later than 10.30pm.

You may need to come down hard. Removal of phone or grounding for persistently ignoring or breaking the rules. He should get the message that you're taking it seriously.

He is at a crossroads and I don't think these friends will help him make the right choices.

Go and see head of year and ask if they have any advice, they will be use to this issue. They may be able to split them up in school.

At home - boundaries / consequences need to be consistent. Plan his revision and make him stick to it. He should be making a revision plan, but given the circumstances it's not going to happen - so you set it out. I also think this 25min revision time block schools are advising is rubbish, if anything like the teenagers I know - they take 15 minutes just to set up, then procrastinate - go toilet, get snack. So we do 45 minutes with a 10 minute break - this also helps with stamina in exams which are 1-2hrs.

I'm also removing phone, laptop and pc cable from my teenager as they seem to have a complete lack of control with tech when bedtime.

Our school has mocks after half term - so double check your son hasn't, may need to revise over half term like us.

My ds is GCSE year. He's on half term now and has to do 4 hours revision a day (broken up with 30 minute breaks). I set that rule and he negotiated two days off to go out with friends, we shook hands on the deal!

You need to take much more control, but allow negotiations (be savvy about how to get what you think is right though!) The trick is to let him think he's getting a good deal.

Keep in close contact with school, ask for their advice and support - and take it. Link pocket money to following rules (and good reports ftom school), and have a strategy of carrot and stick. Maybe hint at spec rewards for sustained effort.

Honestly you cannot make him revise. You can encourage and set boundaries about being out but at this age it is very hard. I would have honest conversation with him about what he will do if he gets low grades, have a plan B. Keep encouraging him.

@JM88Jen You aren’t the only one! My DN was a nuisance in school. Got suspensions for being cheeky. Work ethic dropped off and didn’t do homework. To give this some context he had got a 6 in Sats maths. A few years ago now but he’s bright! GCSEs were 7 max and A levels took 3 years and not good enough for uni. He had no career aspirations at all. Unfortunately his parents never took any action at all. If he wanted to make some effort great, but if he didn’t, they didn’t really care. It was up to him. The problem is that teens need guidance. They are not in a position to make rational and sensible decisions. His parents didn’t support the school and actually thought his smart Alec attitude was funny. You won’t fall into this trap I’m sure! The advice above is great and don’t let him rule the roost.

I also think this 25min revision time block schools are advising is rubbish, if anything like the teenagers I know - they take 15 minutes just to set up, then procrastinate - go toilet, get snack.

Any of that has to be before the 25min block. And no music! I was a bit surprised about that. My first child revised completely differently - 45mins/1hr and a longer break but he did it in a less intense way and didn't do as well as my twins are predicted (different school). I bow to this school's superior knowledge. They are pretty 'on it'. They had a meeting the other day for all high achievers and parents outlining what each of us can do to help the kids achieve their best. It was so positive, high expectations but also practical.

Thank you all.
Fingers crossed 🤞🏼

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